GK: So you've arrived in New York City (TRAFFIC), and you walk aroundTimes Square and it's exciting, being among many Japanese tourists (JAPANESE) and a few Brits (COCKNEY VOWELS) but mostly Japanese (JAPANESE) and now you are in thousands of videos that will be cherished for years in Osaka and Tokyo, but you didn't come here for that.

TR: Jennifer--

GK: You came to see Jennifer.

TR: Jennifer.

GK: A mysterious woman. You met her at a party in Minneapolis in January. She was beautiful.

SS: Hey, look me up if you ever come to New York.

GK: And she gave you her address and her name.

TR: Jennifer.

GK: So you head down to the subway to go meet her. (FOOTSTEPS DESCENDING STAIRS) And you're nervous about that-- (

TR: What if she doesn't remember me?) and you're nervous about the turnstiles and swiping the Metrocard because you have people behind you. (LOW GROWLING) Just remember the rule of New York. Whatever you do, do not stop.

TR: Do not stop, do not stop.

GK: And you swipe your metrocard. (BLIP, BING) Go.


GK: And you go through the turnstile and here are some musical acts for your entertainment. A steel drum (SFX) and a banjo (SFX) and a Chilean flute band (EL CONDOR PASA) and now here comes the train (TRAIN ARRIVES, BING BONG, DOORS OPEN) But it's the weekend, and there are some service changes.


GK: And because it's the subway, you can't understand the announcements. So you ask the lady in the glass booth.

SS (MUFFLED): Down the stairs, up to the other side of the platform, and then back down the stairs for the uptown train, which is running downtown nights and weekends plus tomorrow.

TR: I don't understand.

FN: HEY, don't just stand there, move move move!

GK: So you get on the train, just as the subway doors are closing- (BING BONG) And you ride along for awhile and the street names aren't familiar to you (FN PA: Next stop. Lindstrom Avenue.) (TRAIN RUMBLES), so you turn to the woman next to you.

TR: Hey, do you know where we're going?

SS (FLAT): Nope.

TR: Is it going uptown or downtown?

SS (FLAT): Don't know.

FN (P.A.): This is. 349th street. The next stop. Is. 450th street.

TR: Oh my gosh. Off. Off. Get off. (HEARTBEAT, PANTING)

GK: You get off and you go through the turnstile (CLICKING) and you ask the station agent for help.

SS (MEAN): What you want?

TR: How do I get back downtown?

SS (MEAN): What do I look like, a dictionary?


TR: Should I take this train?

SS (MEAN): If you want.

TR: Yes or no?

SS (MEAN): I'm not your mother.

GK: And you leap onboard just as the doors are closing (BING BONG).

FN (ROBOT): This is a downtown train to Times Square--

TR: Yes!!!!


GK: But then you realize your pants are caught in the door! You struggle to break free and suddenly you're standing there in your DVDs! The good news is: it's New York. Nobody notices. The bad news is half your pants are still on the platform. Along with your wallet!

TR: No!!!

GK: Your wallet is gone along with your cash, your credit cards, and the address of Jennifer.

TR: Jennifer!!!


GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

Just one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.