SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by Trailblazer Table Napkins....in brown, beige, bronze, tan, sandy, cinnamon, latte, ecru, chinchilla, or taupe --- to match the landscape around you. and now, here's today's exciting adventure.....


GK: Yellow Gulch, Dusty. A sight for sore eyes. Can't wait to get to the hotel and get a room and have me a bath, feel like a civilized human being again.

TR: Civilization was why we became cowboys ---- to get away from it.

GK: I may have myself a bubble bath.

TR: You want a bubble bath, you have to eat more beans. That's what makes the bubbles.

GK: And after the bath I'll put on clean clothes and go to the hotel dining room and maybe find some intelligent conversation.

TR: Conversation ---- ha! Bunch of chit-chat and yikkety- hak.

GK: I may meet a woman there and we'll sit and talk.And she'll say, So what do you do for a living, sir? And I will say I am a poet of the plains, and I will recite: How sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank! Here will we sit, and let the sounds of music Creep in our ears---

TR: You didn't write that!

GK: All right, then I will recite: Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet.

TR: You didn't write that. Did you?

GK: No, but she'll be touched that I wanted her to think I did.

TR: Well, good luck. I'm going in the saloon to form a temporary liaison with a woman whose judgment has been impaired by beverages.


GK: Ahhhhh. What pleasure. Took three tubs of water to soak all the dirt out of me but finally I feel human again. (RUNNING WATER) Ahhhhhh.


FN (OUTSIDE): Hey you!!!! Open up, you snake in the grass or I'm gonna blow the lock off this door ----- you hear me, Darrell ya pinhead? OPEN UP.

GK: Who are you???

FN: You know who I am, you crumb bum. Open up the door, and give me back the money you stole.

GK: Just a minute. (SPLOSH OF WATER) Just as I was getting all toasty warm.....(WET FOOTSTEPS) ---- (UNLOCKS DOOR, OPENS IT) What's the problem?

FN: Who are you?

GK: Well, I'm not Darrell.

FN: You a friend of Darrell's?

GK: Not that I know of.

FN: He isn't hiding in the closet, is he?

GK: Is no closet.

FN: Oh. Okay. Well, if he shows up, let me know. I'm downstairs in the saloon.

GK: Okay. You could say you're sorry for interrupting my bath. No?

FN: You haven't spent much time in the West, have you?

GK: Just pointing there is such a thing as common courtesy.

FN: This is Wyoming, mister. No apologies in Wyoming. Adios. (DOOR CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS, SPLOSH OF WATER)

GK: Bath's gotten lukewarm now. (WATER RUNNING) This is the thing I miss being out on the trail, the pleasure of sitting in steaming hot water. There is nothing so comforting as a hot bath.


SS: "WHO IS IT" ---- as if you didn't know, you two- timing dirty-dealing lowdown cheater! How could you do that to me??? After all I've done for you??? (DOG SNARLS)

GK: Do what to you?

SS: "DO WHAT TO YOU" ---- you know what you did. (DOG BARK)

GK: Give me a hint.

SS: I've got half a mind to come in there and set my dog on you and let him rip you to shreds. (DOG SNARL)

GK: Are you going on the assumption that I am Darrell? (PAUSE)

SS: You aren't Darrell?

GK: No.

SS: How can I be sure of that?



SS: Oh.

GK: There are a great many men in town who are not Darrell and I am one of them. One of the non-Darrells. (DOG GROWL)

SS: Hush, Dietrich. ----What's your name?

GK: Lefty.

SS: Then where's Darrell?

GK: I have no idea who you're talking about. Just arrived in town an hour ago with my pardner.

SS: What's his name?

GK: Dusty.

SS: His real name wouldn't happen to be Darrell----

GK: No.

SS: What is his real name?

GK: I have no idea.

SS: No idea.

GK: Nope. We've been pardners for twenty-some years and he never shared that information with me.

SS: Well, if a guttersnipe by the name of Darrell should happen in here, come let me know ----- I'm in the saloon downstairs.

GK: Will do.

SS: Sorry to interrupt your bath.

GK: Thank you. Appreciate that. (DOOR CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS. SLOSH OF WATER) Turning out to be quite an afternoon. Run some more hot water. (FAUCET) Put in some of that jasmine bath oil. (SQUORT) Ah, that is good. Feels like springtime. Ahhhhhh.


TR (REDNECK): Hey you sleazeball ---- thought you could sneak away, huh? Well,guess again, ya big stinker. (GUNSHOT)

GK: Hey, cut that out.

TR (REDNECK): I'm gonna cut you out. Cut you out of that dough you stole from me. (GUNSHOTS)

GK: Stop shooting. I am not Darrell.

TR (REDNECK): Heck you aren't, you low down shyster. (GUNSHOTS) (WATER GUSHING)


TR (REDNECK): (MOCKING) "You just shot a hole in my bathtub." I'll shoot a hole in you if you don't come out right now. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN)

GK: I'm not Darrell. Okay? I'm not the man you're looking for.

TR (REDNECK): Then what are you doing in here?? GK: This is my room.

TR (REDNECK): The desk clerk said you were Darrell.

GK: Well, I'm not.

TR (REDNECK): You in cahoots with him?

GK: Never met the man in my life.

TR (REDNECK): Well, consider yourself lucky cause he's a weenie and a meatball.

GK: What'd he do to you?

TR (REDNECK): Don't get me started. Anyway, if he comes around----

GK: I'll come and tell you, you're down in the saloon. TR (REDNECK): Right. Sorry about the bathtub.

GK: You might want to leave some money to pay for the damages, don't you think, huh?

TR (REDNECK): Pay you money for what? A bathtub? GK: Well, it's just fair, isn't it.

TR (REDNECK): You're not from here, are you. ---- Have a nice day. (DOOR CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS)

GK: Maybe I can plug up this hole in the bathtub with a damp washcloth (SFX) and run the hot water again (WATER GUSHING) I might just find myself a job in town so I can do this every day. ---- (HE GETS INTO BATHTUB) Ahhhhhh. Bliss.


GK: Oh boy. Might as well just come in!!! The lock on the door got shot off!!! (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS)

DR: Hi there. I'm Darrell. How you doing? GK: Not good. What are you doing in here?

DR: This was my room and then I asked the room clerk to switch me to a room with a shower, so I went up to the third floor.

GK: Well, that explains a lot. For your information, you got a bunch of people on the warpath looking for you.

DR: Sore losers.

GK: Said you cheated em.

DR: I beat em in a game of high-stakes Scrabble. Came up with a big word at the end and they got all upset about it.

GK: How much you win?

DR: A whole bunch of cabbage. Twenty-three grand. GK: Wow. What was the word?

DR: Dazzle.

GK: D-a-z-z-l-e.

DR: Correct.

GK: Dazzle with two Zs.

DR: Of course.

GK: But there's only one Z in the letters that come with the Scrabble board.

DR: Oh really?

GK: Really. So you had an extra Z in your pocket.

DR: Come to think of it, yes, I think I did. But nobody said anything at the time. So---- losers, weepers.

GK: You don't feel like maybe you oughta refund the twenty-three grand you stole from them? No? (PAUSE)

DR: You must be new to the West. Gamblers don't give refunds. You snooze, you lose.

GK: Well, I'll take a thousand of that to pay for damages to this room, if you don't mind.

DR: I do mind.

GK: Otherwise I am going to yell your name as loud as I can and four people are going to come up the stairs with six-guns blazing.

DR: I don't mind at all. Here's a thousand right there. (QUICKLY COUNTS OUT TEN HUNDREDS)

GK: That last bill you gave me looks like somebody drew it freehand.

DR: I'll give you a good one then. There. (SLAP OF PAPER) Pleasure doing business with you.

GK: Likewise. Better go out the back, I'd say. DR: Good idea. Adios. (DOOR CLOSE)

GK: Ahhhhh. Good to get that settled. Now I just need to warm up this bath a little. (WATER RUNNING) (GENTLE KNOCK) Who's there?

SS (SOFT): Darrell, it's me---- Diana. Remember? We went to the dance last night. Can I come in? ---- Or should I say, "May I" come in?

GK: Let me just slip into my robe, darling, and turn the lights down low.

SS (SOFT): You sound different, Darrell.

GK: That's because I'm excited. Come in. (DOOR OPEN)

SS (SOFT): Oh, it's so dark in here.

GK: My eyes are sensitive. I'm a poet. Been writing poems today.

SS (SOFT): Oh? Poems about what?

GK: About you------ Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:

SS (SOFT): Oh, that is so beautiful. Do you mind if I lie down on your bed?

GK: Not at all. Make yourself at home.

SS (SOFT): I thought you were a gambler, Darrell. I didn't know you were a poet.

GK: Well, I am. Just looking for a sensitive woman who likes to talk about form.

SS (SOFT): I can talk about form.

GK: Good. Let's talk about form. Let's talk about your bare shoulder and your collarbone and the curvature of your neck.

SS (SOFT): Okay.


TR: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS......brought to you by Trailblazer Placemats for the Trail. Don't set your grub down in the dirt --- use one of these handsome place mats from Trailblazer. Your choice of six patterns: Old Faithful, Noted Authors, Igneous Rocks, Speakers of the House of Representatives, or Miss Gwendolyn Savage of Las Vegas, Nevada. (WHINNY) (MUSIC OUT)