SS (ANNC): The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Gaucho Gloss. The lip gloss made for the man on the trail. And now: The Lives of the Cowboys.
(CATTLE, GUITAR PICKING)
TR: Care for some beans? (SPLORT) Just fixed a whole mess of 'em. Whole potful.
GK: I'm working on a song, Dusty.
(STRUMS)
GK (SINGS):
I wake up alone on the cold frozen prairie So stiff that I hardly can stand Just one more day in February Out on this desolate--
TR: Hey. It's not February.
GK: It's what?
TR: It's not February. It's March.
GK: So what? It's a song.
TR: Might as well be accurate.
GK: Do you mind? I'm trying to write a song.
TR: Just pointing out a mistake. If you can't stand criticism, just say so. I'll shut my mouth.
(PAUSE)
(STRUMS)
GK (SINGS):
I wake up alone on the cold frozen prairie So stiff that I hardly can stand It's March, the month that follows February Out on this desolate land. Then I saw your face as pale as a flower Like a vision of a brighter day
TR: Hey. That doesn't make sense.
GK: What?
TR: You can't say the land is desolate and then in the next line you see her face--
GK: I don't know what you're talking about.
TR: It's a desolate land but she's there, pale as a flower?
GK: It's a vision.
TR: I mean, she's a flower, so where's the desolation?
GK: It's in his mind.
TR: What?
GK: The vision of her.
TR: Oh, so she's not there?
GK: Just in his mind.
TR: Oh, well that wasn't clear.
GK: Since when did you start listening to my songs?
TR: I'm just trying to be helpful.
GK: Yeah, well, thanks for trying.
(HORSE APPROACHES)
TR: Who's this coming?
GK: Looks like Ralph Nader. Who else would be wearing a seatbelt in the saddle? (HORSE SLOWS, DISMOUNT, FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL)
TR (NADER): Howdy. You looked like you could use a third party.
GK: What you doing out here on the godforsaken prairie, Mr. Nader?
TR (NADER): Looking for supporters. I'm running for president again.
GK: Oh really. Why?
TR (NADER): You want to know why? Because it irritates people. And that's what I do, is irritate people. I'm a gadfly. That's how you get change in this world. By causing irritation.
GK: Well, then I ought to think more highly of chiggers. Don't get yourself worked up, you're going to spook the cows.
TR (NADER): That's why I came. Hey, you cows! You trust these guys?? You know where they're taking you? (COW MURMURS) Meat market. You're all ground chuck. You're going to be Happy Meals.
(ALARMED COWS)
GK: Stop riling up the cattle--
TR (NADER): Let me tell you what to do!!!! Lie down and don't get up. Pretend you can't walk. If you can't walk, they can't kill you for food.
GK: Just get down off your cloud, Mr. Nader.
TR (NADER): Lie down! (COWS) Lie down and roll over and close your eyes. There is nothing they can do about it.
GK: You're getting the cows excited, sir. They're giving you a standing ovation. (PLOPS OF FLOP) Showing their appreciation the way cows so often do.
TR (NADER): Talk it over. Organize! Lie down for yourselves, (COWS)
GK: You know a little while ago I was feeling kind of lonely-kinda starting to miss that feeling right about now.
TR (NADER): Let's talk about tax structures. How come your partner is sitting there just staring at me? And why is he holding that gun across his lap?
GK: Not a gun. It's a rifle. --You know you're not the easiest person to be with.
TR (NADER): What are you talking about?
GK: You ever just sit down and do nothing?
TR (NADER): What, you mean just sit here?
GK: Just sit here.
TR (NADER): And not talk?
GK: Yep.
TR (NADER): I can't.
GK: Sure you can. It's easy. Just sit there and do nothing.
TR (NADER): Can't do it.
GK: Doing nothing is what being a cowboy is about, more or less. Look at Dusty, sitting there, rifle across his lap. Hasn't said a word.
TR (NADER): People need me to talk. Country needs me.
GK: Maybe not as much as you think. Just look at my horse over there. His tail swishing back and forth. Just keep your eye on his tail. See it?
TR (NADER): Okay, I'm watching your horse's tail.
GK: Swinging back and forth.
TR (NADER): Back and forth. (IN TRANCE) Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.
GK: Keep your eyes on the tail. Back and forth.
TR (NADER, BLURTS): Mobile home safety!
GK: Back and forth. Back and forth.
TR (NADER): Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.
GK: Keep watching the tail. Back and forth.
TR (NADER): Back and forth. Back and forth. (HE MURMURS)
GK: Well, Dusty. I think we got ourselves a guest. Mr. Nader has come to a point of inner peace.
TR: Well, let's buckle him into his saddle and send him off--
GK: That'd be irresponsible, Dusty. Shouldn't send a man out alone in a hypnotic trance--
TR: He's been in one for the past ten years, what's different now? (HORSES HOOVES OFF)
GK: Wait a minute.
TR: Who's this? (HOOVES APPROACH, LADIES HELLOS)
GK: Why it's a couple of floozies from the dance hall-- Ladies? What you doing out here?
SS: Just came to see if you wanted to attend the big party at the saloon. We're gonna dance all night and drink and then we're going to run around naked and whoop and yell and do embarrassing things and then start all over again. What do you say? Want to come?
SS: Who's this guy? And how come he's looking at the rear end of that horse?
GK: He's thinking.
SS: Thinking about what?
GK: He's trying to remember how to get on.
TR: How about you ladies take him to town and introduce him to the art of the dance.
GK: I don't believe Big Ralph has been dancing for awhile. Here you go, Big Ralph. (TR MURMURS) Up you go. Off to the dance.
TR (NADER, TRANCE): Off to the dance. Time to dance.
GK: Up in the saddle. Don't forget to buckle up.
TR (NADER, TRANCE): Buckle up for safety, buckle up.
GK: Off you go. Stay with the ladies.
TR (NADER, TRANCE): Stay with the ladies. Back and forth. Stay with the ladies.
GK: Off you go. (HOLLERS, LADIES GIDDYUP, WHINNIES, HORSES HOOVES GALLOPING OFF)
TR: When you think he might regain consciousness?
GK: Depends on what you mean by "consciousness," Dusty. Anyway, I think those floozies might be good for him.
(STRUMS)
TR: Oh boy.
GK: Just feel a song coming on. (HE SINGS)
GK (SINGS):
I wake up alone on the cold frozen prairie Feeling lonesome and anxious and nervous Out on the prairie where I hope they don't bury Me, cause who would come to my funeral service.
Then I saw your face so pale and so gaunt And I heard your voice like an old maiden aunt And I realized that lonely is just what I want Ralph Nader, get away from me. (HE YODELS)
TR: (TO COWS) Okay, I want to say a word to you cows who are still reclining. In about five minutes I am going to come down there and start twisting tails. Now I don't know how many of you have had your tails twisted by me, but let me tell you -- it's something you'll remember for a long long time. And let me tell you something else-- it's a long way to the nearest ACLU so -- consider your options. (COWS)
(THEME)
SS (ANNC): The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Steak Sauce Cereal. The only cereal meant to be eaten with steak sauce instead of milk. (SPLORT SPLORT SPLORT, CRUNCHING). You get the crunch, and it tastes like lunch-that's Steak Sauce Cereal. The only cereal that reminds you of meat.