(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME)

GK: It was March, and I was starting to come apart at the seams. My desk was like a sinking ship, with a phone book propping up one corner where I had kicked the leg, and the clock had died at 5:30, and there was a big yellow stain on the ceiling tiles that I hadn't seen before -- misery fumes, maybe. The cactus that Sugar gave me when we broke up had died and I leaned over to pick it up and my back went out and I went down--and banged my knee on the empty fish tank, and lay there for a moment, and then the phone rang and I had to let it go to the answering machine:

SS (FLEXNER): Mr. Noir. It's Dr.Flexner, the psychiatrist on the 10th floor. I couldn't help but notice when I saw you on the elevator today, that you looked a little peaked. (BRIDGE)

GK: And ten minutes later I was in her office, telling her how rotten I felt.

SS (FLEXNER): Okay, I've got "feelings of worthlessness, like nothing you do will ever matter anyway so why bother --brooding, difficulty falling asleep, difficulty staying asleep, inability to wake up, sleepiness during the day--"

GK: That's me in a nutshell.

SS (FLEXNER): And approximately how long have you been this way?

GK: Uh. Who was the president before Reagan?

SS (FLEXNER): That long, huh? Depression comes from suppressed rage, Mr. Noir. What is it you're angry about?

GK: I'm not angry.

(WRITING)

SS (FLEXNER): Denial--

GK: I shouldn't have come here.

(WRITING)

SS (FLEXNER): Low frustration tolerance--

GK: Maybe I should try another therapist--

(WRITING)

SS (FLEXNER): Escapism, ultimately leading to loneliness and despair...

(FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SLAMS)

GK: So, I went to get a second opinion. Starflower Moonglow Wellness Center: Energy Healing, Aromatherapy, Tanning Beds.

SS (BREATHY): Are you comfortable, Mr. Noir?

GK: Fine. Thanks.

SS (BREATHY): What sort of ambience do you prefer?

GK: Ambience?

SS (BREATHY): We have Chilean flute (FLUTE) and we have rain forest (BIRDS) and we have surf (WAVES).

GK: How about silence?

SS (BREATHY): Beautiful. I love that. You have a beautiful soul. I'm reading your energy.

GK: I'm reading your energy too.

SS (BREATHY): Your heart chakra feels blocked to me.

GK: I've been trying to unblock that chakra for years.

SS (BREATHY): I want you to visualize success, Mr. Noir.

GK: I'm trying to, believe me.

SS (BREATHY): I want you to imagine positive outcomes, Mr. Noir. Believe and Achieve.

GK: Believe and achieve.

SS (BREATHY): Whatever you want, I want you to imagine yourself getting it.

GK: I'm trying to.

SS (BREATHY): Our dreams are our guides, Mr. Noir. They lead us to our heart's desire.

GK: And here I am.

TR (FABIO): Uh...Starflower. Hi. I'm all set, whenever you are.

SS (BREATHY): I'll be right there, Laser. --Oh. This is my boyfriend, Laser. Mr. Noir.

TR (FABIO): Hello. Man, I just felt your energy field turn like really dark, Mr. Noir. I don't think you're visualizing success--

GK: I'm sort of visualizing a toilet right now. And I'm a little piece of paper going around and around and around. (BRIDGE) But I went back to my office and I sat there watching the snow melt (DRIPPING) and I tried visualizing success. (REVERB, FANTASY MUSIC) Visualizing success. Visualizing success. Visualizing success. I sat back in my chair and I imagined sitting in a big auditorium and -- a lady in a very tight gold lame dress...

(ENVELOPE OPENING)

SS (MARILYN): And the winner for best detective in a crime drama is-Guy Noir! (HUGE APPLAUSE)- (SINGS) Congratulations, Guy Noir. Congratulations, Guy Noir. Congratulations, Guy Noir. Here's an award for you. (SHE FADES) Here's an award for you.

GK: And then she faded away. Success. Visualizing success. I can feel it. I can taste it. (PHONE RINGS) Yeah Noir here.

TR (ENERGETIC, ON PHONE): Mr. Guy Noyer?

GK: Noir, yes-

(FANFARE)

TR (ENERGETIC, ON PHONE): Wowza wowza wowza, Mr. Noir, you are the lucky winner of the 300 million dollar Powercube jackpot, yes you are--

GK: Me?!!?

TR (ENERGETIC, ON PHONE): Yes you, for sure you-You can have a lump sum of 300 million dollars right now, tax-free-

GK: Tax-free??

TR (ENERGETIC, ON PHONE): Or you can have 100 thousand dollars a week for the rest of your life--

GK: Listen. I didn't really win it, did I.

TR (ON PHONE): No, you didn't.

GK: I didn't think so.

TR (ON PHONE): It was only a visualization.

GK: I know. I doubt that I ever would win anything in a contest, don't you?

TR (ON PHONE): Honestly? I don't think you will.

GK: No. Probably not. Well, thanks.

TR (ON PHONE): You're welcome. (B RIDGE)

GK: Visualizing success. Why am I such a failure at it? Got to focus. Got to think harder. Close my eyes. Visualize. (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

GK: Yeah come in--

(DOOR OPENS, HEELS ENTER)

SS (LOW): Mr. Noir? Oh there you are.

(SEXY PIANO)

GK: She was tall, with flaxen blonde hair, and she moved with the stealth of a cougar. She wore white t-shirt with a bullseye over the heart, and her jeans were so tight I could count the change in her pocket. Fifty cents, and I'd never seen two George Washingtons look so happy.

SS (LOW): You dropped your wallet on the street, Mr. Noir. So I followed you up here.

GK: Oh. Thanks.

SS (LOW): You walked past me and I felt this electricity. Mind if I sit in your lap?

GK: Something tells me I don't have much choice in the matter-

SS (LOW): I was on my way to meet my boyfriend and I felt this magnetic force and it was you. Kiss me, Mr. Noir. Kiss me-

GK: You're not really going to kiss me, are you?

SS (LOW): Why do you ask?

GK: I just want to know.

SS: Visualize me kissing you-my full moist lips pressing against yours-pressing harder and harder-my tongue-

GK: You're not going to do it, are you?

SS: No. I guess not. I was going to but not now.

(KNOCKING)

GK: You mean you were sort of thinking of it?

SS: It was an option.

GK: Really?

TR (RICO): Hey. Open up. Exterminator. (DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS) Exterminator. Building's got bugs. Gotta shoot some pesticide. (FIRE EXTINGUISHER) Come out you little critters. Show your face.

GK (COUGHING): I was sort of doing something here.

TR (RICO): You were just sitting there alone- (FIRE EXTINGUISHER BLASTS) move--

(BRIDGE)

GK: I headed downstairs to the coffee shop (ESPRESSO) to get the taste of pesticide out of my mouth. I got a double latte and I sat down in the corner with the crossword puzzle. One Across was a six-letter word for disappointment-- I tried to visualize it.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

SS: Excuse me, is that your car out there?

GK: Yes, yes it is.

SS: Your headlights are on and the motor is running.

GK: Huh.

SS: The windshield wipers are going.

GK: I see that.

SS: But you left it in neutral.

GK: Oh no!

SS: The doors are locked and the keys are in the ignition.

GK: No-no no no--

SS: And it's rolling into the street-

GK: Ai yi yi-

SS: And by the way--one across is "fiasco"

(THEME)

TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building-one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir. Private Eye.