(THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....... Brought to you by Big Butte jeans, the full-figure jeans with room in the seat. And by Jim's Used Shoes. If you like pre-faded jeans, you'll love used shoes. And now today's exciting western adventure......
(HORSES WALKING, WHINNY)
GK: Well, here we are, back in Yellow Gulch. Looks about the same as ever. Unfortunately.
TR: You used to have a radio show here, as I recall.
GK: I did. The Bunkhouse Buddies. Man, I miss that show something bad. Remember the theme song?
TR: Afraid I do.
GK (SINGS):
O I am sad here on the prairie
Going through life all alone
I can't wait til I am buried
Underneath a big white stone.
I have lost the one I loved
Cause I had intimacy issues
Now the shoes beneath her bed
Are not mine but his shoes.
So bury me beneath the snowbanks
With the other lonely men.
Resurrection? I say, No thanks.
Why go through it all again?
Wish I still had that show. Why did it end?
TR: It ended because you never smiled.
GK: It was radio!
TR: People can tell. And your voice was depressing.
So you had to have a woman singing with you lest your listeners go eat a cup of toilet bowl cleanser and after a couple weeks of singing with you, the women were done with it. That's what happened.
(BRIDGE)
GK: He was right. I remembered them so well. I loved them all. One by one, they handed in their resignation. Like Sarah Tonin. We sounded good, I thought. She was tall and she wore chaps with rhinestones and she and I had a big hit together.
HM/GK:
All day I faced the barren waste a-hoping for a furlough
And a glass of Merlot.
Me and my hoss rode across the range feeling hot and wobbly
Looking for some Chablis.
Keep a-movin', Dan, til we find a popstand
That will sell us a can
From his big wooden tank of Sauvignon Blanc
Dan can you see that winery
Where they bottle Burgundy
That beautiful Cote de Nuit
GK: I always felt so close to Miss Tonin until one day-----
HM: I've got something I've got to say to you, Lefty.
GK: What's that?
HM: Don't take this personally or anything.
GK: Oh oh.
HM: I'm leaving you. I got an offer to sing with the Wailin Jennies-----
GK: You're leaving me???
HM: Sorry.
GK: But why?
HM: They're Canadian, Lefty, so they're really really nice people. And none of them chews tobacco.
GK: I could give up the tobacco.
HM: Plus which, they pay me.
GK: Oh. That.
HM: Yes. That.
GK: There was a lovely singer named Rhoda Dendron. She was from Boston. Very good social skills. Good ear. Also a very lovely neck and her hair was very nice to look at.
AO/GK:
You, who are on a horse, must ride of course, across the prairie
With guys, with shifty eyes, you hope your daughters do not marry
Teach, your children they, should try to stay, up on the saddle,
And not, to drink the water, that is downstream, from the cattle.
Tell them always wear a grin, and don't spit into the wind
And try to stay away from gin, and stick with whiskey.
AO: Lefty?
GK: Rhoda?
AO: I like singing with you and everything, but when we go out and do our personal appearances and we take a bow as the audience is giving us a standing ovation?
GK: Yes?
AO: Would you mind not holding my hand?
GK: You don't want to hold hands?
AO: It sends the wrong message.
GK: Oh. Okay.
AO: People think we're an item. Anyway, it doesn't matter cause I'm going off with a new group called Brooklyn Rider. It's a cowboy quartet in Brooklyn.
GK: Okay. Good luck. Sorry.
AO: It's actually a big step up for me. They're paying me. Money.
GK: Oh. Good. Well, I'm going to miss you.
AO: I know.
(BRIDGE)
GK: Barbara Seville was my next partner and she was great. Wore a gardenia in her hair and she played castanets and she seemed to be just what the doctor ordered.
SJ:
I wanna be a cowboy's sweetheart
I wanna learn to rope and ride
I wanna ride through the plains and the desert
Out west of the Great Divide
GK:
I'm a cowboy who needs a sweetheart
I will teach you to ride and rope
SJ:
I want to be a cowboy's sweetheart
But one who uses shampoo and soap.
YODEL DUET
GK: I wanna be your cowboy, sweetheart
And live a life that's free
SJ: Or is it to get in on my health care
You want to move in with me?
GK: If you would be my duet partner
I would be overjoyed.
SJ: I want to sing duets with a cowboy
But not one who's unemployed.
YODEL DUET
SJ/GK:
We'll be employed in broadcasting
Singing in close harmony
Sponsored by laxative makers,
And the A.A.R.P.
I will tell tall tales of the cowboys
And we will sing sweet duets
And you will put a fresh gardenia in your hair
And play your castanets.
CASTANET SOLO
GK: That's wonderful castanet playing, darling.
SJ: I've got to tell you, Lefty. I'm putting out a solo album. I'm going out on my own.
GK: I could be your backup singer.
SJ: How far back?
GK: Huh?
SJ: You can't stand beside me. You'd have to be in back. And play bass.
GK: Oh. Okay. Nice knowing you, Barbara. Good luck with your music.
SJ: Same. (BRIDGE)
GK: The Bunkhouse Buddies show was sponsored by Campfire Coffee and I recorded the jingle with a lovely young woman named Angie O'Plasty. Irish girl.
CD/GK:
Out here on the Range, Why not make your coffee gourmet.
Where guys like Wyatt Earp
Ask for hazelnut syrup
In the grande size mocha latte.
O you'll flip your lid just like Billy the Kid
From Cheyenne to Santa Fe
On the Oregon Trail it is served by the pail
Try Campfire Coffee today.
GK: Boy, you sound great, kid.
CD: Thanks.
GK: Maybe you'd like to join the show as my duet partner.
CD: I don't sing cowboy songs.
GK: No?
CD: I'm from New York. Broadway. My idea of cowboys songs is (SINGS) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOklahoma where the wind comes sweepin down the plain. And the waving wheat can sure smell sweet when the wind comes right behind the rain.
CD/GK: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOklahoma every night my honey lamb and I sit alone and talk and watch the hawk making lazy circles in the sky.....
CD: Excuse me.
GK: What?
CD: I don't do this as a duet.
GK: Oh. Not the "honey lamb and I" part?
CD: Especially not that part.
GK: Okay. Sorry. Anything you'd like to sing with me?
CD: Do you mind if I ask a personal question?
GK: Oh oh.
CD: Do you brush?
GK: My teeth? I brush with baking soda.
CD: Ever think of using toothpaste? The kind that's nice and minty?
GK: I guess I could think about it.
CD: Let me know when you decide.
(BRIDGE)
(PIANO CAMPTOWN RACES)
TR: Well here we are in the Last Chance Saloon. Time for you to drown your regrets in a glass of rotgut whiskey.
GK: Say---- Piano Player----
RD: Yeah? You got a request?
GK: Yeah. Could you play something other than "Camptown Races"?
RD: Camptown Races???? I thought I was playing "Mood Indigo". Dang it.
GK: Play something else, okay?
RD: Okay. (QUIET JAZZ VERSION OF CAMPTOWN)
SS: SO---- what can I get you, boys?
TR: Couple glasses of rotgut whiskey, Myrtle.
SS: You want the single rot or the blend?
TR: Blended. No ice in mine.
SS: How about you?
GK: Ice.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH, STOP)
GK: What you want, Big Messer?
FN: Listen up, Poetry Man. There ain't room for two poets in this here town. Used to be two and now he's buried up there on Boot Hill.
GK: Well, I hope you gave him a nice funeral.
FN: It was a lovely funeral. Almost made me cry and I was the one who shot him.
GK: Why'd you do that, Big Messer?
FN: He plagiarized from me. He stole the word "alas" from me.
GK: I see.
FN: And now you stole the line "Bury me out on the lone prairie" from me. (TWIRLS CYLINDER) So say your prayers, plagiarizer. You are soon to meet your editor. (PULLS BACK HAMMER)
SW: Not yet, Messer.
FN: Who're you?
SW: I'm the one holding this Remington shotgun in the small of your back and that's why you're gonna set that peashooter of yours down on the bar nice and slow----- very nice and slow----otherwise I am going to cut you a new buttonhole in this nice silk shirt of yours ---- (CLUNK) Good. Just like that. And now push it away, nice and slow. (SLIDE) Good.
FN: Who're you, lady?
SW: I'm the editor of Poetry Magazine.
FN: YOU!!!! You're the one who's been sending me all those rejection letters.
SW: And there's a lot more where those came from.
GK: I owe you a big debt of gratitude, editor lady.
SW: You do.
GK: How about I buy you a glass of whiskey?
SW: You owe me a bigger debt than that, mister.
GK: What would you like?
SW: It's been my dream ever since I was a small child to sing duets with a cowboy on the radio. All through my years an editor, it was the only thing I ever wanted to do ---- was to wear a big white hat and shiny boots and stand next to a big handsome man and sing about life on the trail.
GK: Well, we happen to be looking for just such a person.
SW: I thought so. (SHE SINGS, VERY FLAT)
See them tumbling down
Pledging their love to the ground
Lonely but free I'll be found
Drifting along with the tumbling tumbleweeds
Cares of the past are behind
Nowhere to go but I'll find
Just where the trail will wind
Drifting along with the tumbling tumbleweeds
I know when night has gone
That a new world's born at dawn
GK: Thank you. We'll let you know.
SW: You don't want to hear more?
GK: That'll be fine.
SW: You'll let me know then?
GK: Let you know very soon. (BRIDGE)
TR: Well, I guess I'm just not attractive to young women anymore.
SS: I guess it depends on what you mean by young. I'm young enough to be interested and old enough to know what's what. How about we open up a bottle of red wine and have at it until our standards are reduced to a reasonable level, what you say?
GK: I think that you are lovely, dark and deep but we have promises to keep and miles to go before we sleep---
SS: Where is it that you're going to?
TR: We don't know but we'll recognize it when we get there.
SS: You're heading out without a plan? No destination in mind?
GK: We're cowboys. Let's go, Dusty. (WHOOPS)
(THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Big Butte jeans, the full-figure jeans with room in the seat. And by Jim's Used Shoes.