(THEME)
TR (ANNC): And now. Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products brings you: The Story of Bob, a Young Artist.
(PLATES, FORKS, DOG PANTING)
SS: Have some more cheesy rollups, Bob. I made a double batch and you've hardly touched yours. I made those specially for you.
GK: No thanks, Berniece. I think I'd better stop.
TR (POPS): Don't worry. Rex'll finish em up, won't ya, Rex. (PANTING)
SS: You don't have a virus or something, do you, Bob?
GK: No, I'm under an incredible amount of stress, Berniece. I'm expecting a very important phone call from Mrs. DeWillers at the Arts Board about my sculpture. (DOG PANTING, THUMPING LEG, COLLAR JINGLING) You know if you'd give that dog a bath, he wouldn't smell so bad ----
TR (POPS): If you need fresh air, go stick your head out the window.
GK: All this dog dander in the air, I've gotta take antihistamines for my allergies, it's no wonder I can't think straight.
TR (POPS): You're an artist. Thinking straight is not your line of work.
SS: Now Bob, just settle down. You sure you don't want more cheesy rollups----- got chow mein fritters too------
GK: No, I had three and they made me very bloated and gassy.
SS: Well, then maybe you should stand so close to that candle.
GK: Okay. Thanks. I just hope Mrs. DeWillers is going to give me the commission to build this sculpture. It's two thousand dollars. Plus the prestige of it.
SS: And this is going to be for the county arts center?
GK: Well, it was going to be for the arts center but now its for the county jail.
TR: A work of art by you is what I call cruel and unusual punishment.
SS: Now, Pops----- So tell me about the sculpture.
GK: Well, it's a sound sculpture. As people walk around it and touch it, it makes sounds. It's interactive.
TR: I think the word is unattractive.
GK: It's participatory.
TR: You can piss in it too?
GK: I said "participatory". It encourages participation.
TR: What about constipation?
SS: Pops, you need to turn up your hearing aid.
TR: What about turnips?
SS: TURN UP YOUR HEARING AID.
TR: Oh. Why didn't you say so. (HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL)---- darn it.
SS: So what kind of sounds does it make, Bob?
GK: Well, like this. (RANDOM CHIMES, DINGS)
SS: Well, that's very nice.
GK: And when you step on the metal plates around it, it makes other sounds. (CLOWN HORN, LOW HORN, BUZZ, RASPBERRY, HIGH GIGGLES)
SS: Oh, that's lovely.
GK: And then if you walk around to the other side, these pigeons fly up with ankle bells on. (PIGEONS QUIET MURMURS)
SS: Oh they're lovely.
GK: And when you walk around the sculpture, ---- you ready?
SS: Ready.
GK: Okay. Go, guys. (WHOOP. PIGEON WING FLURRY, JINGLING OF BELLS, FAST STACCATO, THEN GLIDING DOWN TO REST) So what do you think?
SS: What's it called?
GK: "The Untrammeled Abyss"----
SS: I see. Interesting. Well, I don't see how the arts committee can turn down something like this. You've put so much time and effort into it.
GK: I know but I'm up against that jerk Larry Loizeaux ---- you know, the rusted steel beams and junk welded to it and the old truck tires. Anyway---- when Mrs. DeWillers calls, I don't want to hear a peep out of anybody. Okay?
TR (POPS): Rex already peed. Half an hour ago.
SS: Bob said, don't utter a peep......
TR (POPS): Won't have to tinkle for another fifteen minutes.
GK: How about we just change the subject, okay?
TR (POPS): He's got the same prostate problem I got.
GK: Let's not get going on that, okay?
TR (POPS): Not that easy to get going. Someday you'll find that out.
SS: Okay, let's quiet down, Pops.
(PHONE RING SEQUENCE)
GK: That's her. Could everybody please just be quiet-
TR (POPS): You're the one making the noise, wide ride.
SS: Now Pops, don't pick on Bob. This is a very important phone call.
TR (POPS): Then answer it, Mister Genius. (DOG BARKS) ----- now you're getting Rex upset. (DOG GAGGING)
GK: What's wrong with Rex?
TR: Donno. Easy boy. Spit it up.
GK: You're gonna let him throw up on the carpet?
TR: It's okay. He'll eat it right up.
GK: Could you take the dog outside, please? (DOG
GAGGING)
TR: Spit it up, Rex. Let go of it, boy. Cough it up.
GK: Berniece, could you step in here? (DOG BARKS)
TR: Okay. He's okay now.
GK: Just everybody be quiet, please! For just one second!!! (PICK UP PHONE) Good afternoon. This is Bob. How may I help? (LADY VOICE) Mrs. Dewillers, so good to hear from you. (VOICE) You're what? (VOICE) Oh, lovely. I'll be right there. (HANG UP). ------She's at the front door!!!
SS: Where?
GK: She's at our front door. Look at this mess!!! I had no idea she was coming over. Put those boxes in the closet. (RUMMAGE SFX, GLASS, BANGING, CLUTTER BEING CLEARED) What are these lawn chairs doing here? The golf clubs??? The plywood scraps!!! Put those away!!! What are these flower urns doing there----
SS: The closet's full-----
GK: Just throw the stuff down the basement stairs----- (BIG CLATTER OF STUFF GOING DOWN STAIRS) There---- and those boxes too. (DOWN STAIRS)
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
GK: We're coming! Oh boy. (FOOTSTEPS) Oh well, nothing to be done about it. (DOOR OPEN) Mrs. DeWillers! Good to see you.
FN (WOMAN): Bob----- so good to meet you. I've admired your work for so long.
GK: You have?
FN (WOMAN): May I come in?
GK: Yes, of course. You know Berniece? Pops? (DOG BARK) Hush. (DOG WHINE) The house suffered some damage in the tornado on Wednesday but we're getting it cleaned up.
SS: Care for some cheesy rollups?
FN (LADY): No, thanks.
TR (POPS): Have a seat over here, Mrs. Willikers-----
FN (LADY): It's DeWillers.
TR (POPS): This is the chair with the least dog hair on it.
(CLOWN HORN) Oh. Sorry. GK: I'm sorry. That's part of the sculpture I was working on.
FN (LADY): Oh yes. The Untrammeled Abyss. I came over because I wanted to tell you in person, Bob, that we decided to go with the Larry Loizeaux sculpture instead of yours. It was a very difficult decision but in the end we felt that his had a certain grandeur of expectations about it and we felt that yours was conflicted.
GK: Oh. Okay.
FN (LADY): But I really love your piece. And I do hope we get to work together sometime in the future.
GK: Yes.
FN (LADY): Maybe for the county incineration plant.
GK: Sure.
FN (LADY): And good luck to you, Bob.
GK: I appreciate that. Goodbye. (DOOR CLOSE) Conflicted? (CLOWN HORN) I don't get it. Conflicted. (RASPBERRY)
SS: Would anybody like more cheese rollups? I have a whole other pan full of them.
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): The story of Bob was brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil and the Family of Rainbow Automotive Products.