(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets,
but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was June and summer had come to the frozen tundra and my landlady Doris accosted me one morning as I left for work---
SS: Hey, Noir. You told me once that you wish you could move to a higher-class apartment, right?
GK: Yeah.
SS: Well, now you don't have to. 'Cause I'm raising your rent.
(BRIDGE)
GK: Fifty bucks more per month. So when the call came from Atlanta offering me a job, I was inclined to say yes. (PHONE RING, PICK UP) ---- Yeah, Noir here.
FN: (SOUTHERN) Mr. Noir, this is Buddy Patterson down in Atlanta, and I'm calling about a tragedy that is taking place in our city and I refer to the Atlanta (SING) BRAVES.
GK: I see that the Braves got off to a slow start this season.
FN: Sir, I did not call you to get your insights on our team's performance this spring.
GK: I'm sorry----
FN: This is something we do not discuss outside of the Braves family.
GK: I was just stating a fact, sir.
FN: I am well aware of our team's won-lost record, sir.
GK: I'm sure you are.
FN: I am not an ignoramus.
GK: Did not mean to suggest that you are.
FN: You don't live in Atlanta, sir. You have no idea what our team is up against.
GK: I apologize, sir.
FN: You live in Minnesota. The Minnesota Twins, as I recall, are not burning up the American League this year.
GK: No, sir.
FN: Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
GK: I withdraw what I said.
FN: The reason for the Braves lousy season so far is what I've called you about, Mr. Noir. This season is the team's last season in its beloved Turner Field, one of the most beautiful ballparks in the history of baseball. Next spring, unless the good people of Georgia come to their senses, the team will leave its home in a great American city, a city with a history, a culture, and go to an ugly new field in the midst of miles of shopping malls and office parks. Cobb County. The northern suburbs of Atlanta. No public transportation to speak of, just freeways that turn into parking lots. You've got to help us. (BRIDGE)
GK: The next day, a call from the Save The Braves Committee. Same story.
SS: Turner Field is a beautiful field. Built for the 1996 Olympics as a track and field stadium,then converted to baseball. Very economical.
TR: And now the Republicans of Cobb County, these fiscal conservatives who pay public schoolteachers in paper clips, have ponied up half a billion dollars ---- half a billion dollars ---- so the Braves can leave a fine old ballpark and move a few miles north.
SS: It's a scandal.
TR: It's a horror.
SS: A tragedy.
TR: Blasphemy.
SS: We must stop it. Now. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I got on a Delta flight to Atlanta and took my seat and a minute later-----
SS: Thank you for flying Delta, sir, and for sharing your journey with us, and would you mind taking a brief survey on your feelings about this flight, it'll only take a minute----
GK: I just got on the plane.
SS: I'm aware of that. But do you have any trepidations, any phobias, any sensitivities that we could address----?
GK: Well, I'm hoping this man in front of me won't recline and break my kneecaps.
SS: Let me take care of that. ---- Sir?
TR: (GRUNT)
SS: DON'T RECLINE YOUR SEAT!!! HEAR ME??
TR (GRUNT)
SS: You recline that seat, I'm gonna bust your head, you hear?
TR (GRUNT)
GK: She left and moments later the pilot came back-----
FN: Evening, sir, I am your pilot, Randy Anderson. I want to thank you for sharing your journey with us and if there's anything I can do to make your flight more pleasant, please let me know.
GK: Just go back in the cockpit and look at your flight plan.
FN: Yes, sir, I already looked-----
GK: Do it now. Don't walk around glad-handing the customers--
FN: I just wanted you to feel that-----
GK: Well, don't. We want you up in the cockpit, looking at the instrument panel. Go. Now.
FN: Yes, sir, I just wanted to make sure you-----
GK: Go up there and close the door. Now.
FN: Okay, I just wanted-----
GK: Well, don't. Fly the plane. That's your job. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY) (BRIDGE)
GK: It took me an hour to get into the city. The taxi driver's GPS got confused by all the Peachtree Streets, and I wound up out in Cobb County where I saw the enormous stadium under construction. Stop here, Driver. (TR EGYPTIAN) Just pull over by the hole in the fence. I'll be right back. (TR EGYPTIAN) (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS) I walked out on the field. There appeared to be no security. There were a number of earthmovers parked out there and a lot of stakes marking the field. It was easy to pull them up and move them (HAMMERING) and change the configuration. I bet that they'd hired immigrant labor to save money and the immigrants came from non-baseball cultures. The field I redesigned was more for lawn bowling or quoits.
(BRIDGE)
TR: Thanks for coming, Mr. Noir. We'd almost given up on saving Turner Field and now your arrival----
GK: Well, I'm not a magician, sir.
TR: The other thing that has been causing the Braves to lose this season is worry that they may get parking tickets.
GK: Ballplayers getting parking tickets?
SS: The city of Atlanta has switched over to parking enforcement by robots. Called ParkAtlanta. Come outside. I'll show you. (BRIDGE)
GK: We walked outdoors (STREET TRAFFIC) just in time to see a drone fly over the parking lane (SFX) and hover over a car (SFX) and send a signal to a white van that came cruising along (SFX) and a mechanical arm emerged from the side (SFX) and printed a parking ticket (SFX)----
FN (ROBOT VOICE): You are parked two inches too far from the curb. Two hundred dollars.
GK: And stuck the ticket onto the windshield (SFX) and the van moved ahead to where the drone was hovering over another car (SFX) -----
SS: The city of Atlanta got rid of all their meter maids a few years ago and got this robot company.
TR: An inch one way or another, a few seconds too long, and you got yourself a hefty parking fine.
GK: The people of Atlanta must be infuriated-----
TR: They should be, but it gets hot here.
SS: People get passive in the heat.
TR: That's why the new stadium has very little opposition.
SS: People sit outside with a cold beer, it's 100 degrees----
TR: They think, Aww, what the heck. (STING)
GK: I thought to myself, if hot weather makes them lethargic, then what about cold......(STING) It was easy to bring in that drone (COMPUTER SLOWING, SHUTTING DOWN) and use that drone to bring in the other drones (FLOCK OF DRONES) and then I got the van to come (SFX) and I found a very bright 10-year-old who knew about programming....
TR (TEEN): Oh wow. Drones. Cool. (COMPUTER FRENZY)
GK: And he got them all reprogrammed to fly over Cobb County. Fourteen drones. And I found the freezer plant where they store Eskimo Pies and I bought thirteen tons of frost.
FN: Whatcha want frost for?
GK: An experiment. ---- So they scraped off the frost and the drones loaded up and (DRONES TAKING OFF) that night three-quarters of an inch of snow fell on Cobb County.
TR (TEEN): Wow. Awesome. Cool.
GK: But to the residents of Cobb County (SIREN IN DISTANCE) it was a natural disaster. Police cars cruised through the neithborhoods. (FN P.A.: STAY IN YOUR HOMES. DO NOT PANIC. STAY IN YOUR HOMES.) And people panicked (SCREAMS, HORNS HONKING) There was a run on the supermarkets. The governor declared a civil emergency. (FN: Tonight I am calling out the National Guard and closing the schools and government offices.) The snow melted but panic prevailed. (HELICOPTER)
Cars were abandoned in the middle of the streets. Drones flew in and ticketed them (SFX) and dropped more snow. Churches got involved. (TR EVANGELIST: It is the judgement of the Lord, calling down a plague upon his people ---- examine your conscience, O ye mighty----- the Almighty is not pleased.) And then they discovered that the new stadium would only be good for ultimate frisbee or monster truck jumping. And 75,000 seats for that seemed excessive so they tore out the seats and turned the stands into parking ramps and that same month the first monster truck rally took place (BIG TRUCK REVVING), a 2000-horsepower truck jumping over five schoolbuses and doing a double backward flip (SFX), and meanwhile the Braves renewed their lease on Turner Field and they picked up some fabulous young players with money gained from parking tickets issued by drone (SFX) out in Cobb County, a left-handed fastballer named Whitworth (FAST PITCH, SWING. "STEE-RIKE THREE") and a slugging first-baseman named Blount (SWING, HIT, CROWD OOHHHHHH), as the Braves edged up past Phillies, past the Mets, and it's no wonder Atlanta wanted to rename it Noir Field, but I said, No. Anonymity is crucial for a private eye. A simple thank you is enough.
SS (SULTRY): Thank you so much, Mr. Noir. Whatever can we do to show our gratitude.
GK: That's an awfully tiny outfit you're wearing, Miss Bravery.
SS (SULTRY): All the better to know you by.
GK: I'm worried about you catching cold in that. They say it may snow tonight.
SS (SULTRY): Just put your arms around me, big boy.
GK: Goodness gracious, you are giving off so much heat.
SS (SULTRY): Goodness had nothing to do with it, sweetheart.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets,
but one man is stilltrying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye.