(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions....Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was May and I was in Washington D.C. working as a consultant to the National Geographic which was fighting a bill in Congress to name streets in Washington that only have letters, K Street, M Street, and so forth, and name them Churchill, Dirksen, Eastwood, Friedman, Goldwater, Hamilton, Irving, Kristol, Larry the Cable Guy, Machiavelli, Newt, and so forth.
FN: This is going to cost millions and millions of dollars, Mr. Noir. Street signs, maps, stationery, Google Earth.
GK: Will they have to shut down the Metro?
FN: No more than usual.
GK: I'll see what I can do, sir. (STING) And that night I had a very strange dream. Very strange and very real. (DREAM MUSIC)
TR (REAGAN) I cannot believe what has happened to my Republican party. This clown they're nominating couldn't even play a governor in a movie ---- you'd cast him as a banker or a burlesque comedian or a somebody's goofball brother-in-law. Not as President. But here we go again.
TR (NIXON): I couldn't agree more, Ronnie. This guy knows less about foreign policy than I know about the Kama Sutra.
TR (REAGAN): Who was she, Dick?
TR (NIXON): Never mind. This guy is a disaster. The Russkies are going to play with him like a monkey plays with a peanut.
TR (BUSH SR): Lots of energy there. Gotta say it. Like a bull in a china shop. Too bad he's so light in the loafers. (BRIDGE)
GK: It was a parade of presidents, all of them upset.
TR (FDR): All we have to fear is fear ----- well, actually that's not true. This fellow is downright terrifying.
TR (JFK): Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do to defeat Donald Trump.
GK: Even George Washington weighed in.
TR (FALSE TEETH): This man has chopped down every cherry tree for miles around and lied about all of them. (BRIDGE)
GK: And then I woke up because the phone was ringing. (SFX) (FUMBLE WITH PHONE)---- Yeah. Noir here.
TR (CLINTON): Mr. Noir, it's Bill Clinton.
GK: Is this a joke?
TR (CLINTON): I'm not laughing, Mr. Noir.
GK: Neither am I, Mr. President.
TR (CLINTON): Call me Bill. Listen,I'm calling because we need you over here. Hillary just got hit again on this whole email thing.
GK: The classified emails----
TR (CLINTON): In the State Department, sir, they classify jokes.
GK: Classify them as what?
TR (CLINTON): They leave out the punch line. The papers are writing about it as if she passed nuclear secrets. Which, by the way, there aren't any anymore.
GK: Okay, I'll come over but on one condition.
TR (CLINTON): What's that?
GK: Could she use a little more inflexion in her voice?
TR )CLINTON): What do you mean by that?
GK: A little more expressiveness. She sounds sort of flat.
TR (CLINTON): What do you mean? She has a beautiful voice.
GK: Well, it's good to know you're in love, sir. See you later. (BRIDGE) I took a taxi to the Clintons' house in Georgetown and the meeting got going right away.
SS (HILLARY): I'll get right to the point. We have a problem in Houston, Mr. Noir.
GK: What's that, ma'am?
SS (HILLARY): We hear that George W. Bush is about to endorse my opponent.
GK: The presumptuous nominee.
SS (HILLARY): He's going to come out and say that (BLAT) is qualified to be President.
GK: Not the most ringing endorsement you ever heard.
SS (HILLARY): And he's going to appear with (BLAT) at a campaign rally.
GK: President Bush is going to appear with (BLAT)?
SS (HILLARY): We've got an undercover guy in the (BLAT) campaign.
GK: Why would President Bush endorse (BLAT)?
TR (BILL): Cause it makes him look smart. You put Bush alongside (BLAT) and suddenly Bush looks pretty intelligent. If (BLAT) is elected, Bush will move up in the list, ahead of Warren Harding and just behind Calvin Coolidge.
SS (HILLARY): So we need you to go talk to him. Tell him to stand tall and hold his ground. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I got President Bush on the phone and he was very
gracious, of course.
TR (BUSH): Good to hear from you, Mr. Noir. You still on the radio?
GK: I am, yes.
TR (BUSH): I tell you, retirement was the best move I ever made.
GK: Couldn't agree more, sir.
TR (BUSH): Yesh, I used to listen to your show back in the Texas Air National Guard.
GK: Long time ago. You ever learn to fly?
TR (BUSH): I thought I did but nobody wanted to fly with me so I never got certified.
GK: What was the problem?
TR (BUSH): Weapons of class instruction.
GK: Oh?
TR (BUSH): They gave me D minuses.
GK: Okay. So------ you know what I'm calling about? You going to endorse (BLAT) for President?
TR (BUSH): I don't know. He asked me to. And he offered me a lifetime pass to all his hotels and golf clubs. Kind of tempted by that. He's got a nice one over in Scotland, you know.
GK: There are lots of nice golf courses in Scotland.
TR (BUSH): But at his, I can land in a helicopter right at the first tee. Plus, he promised to name an apartment building after me.
GK: You've already got an airport down in Houston.
TR (BUSH): That's dad's. Nobody would ever want to fly into an airport named for me. Tbey'd be worried half to death.
GK: Well, it's up to you, sir, but if you do endorse him, people are going to be asking you about this for the next ten years. If you stay silent, nobody's going to ask about silence.
TR (BUSH): That's a good point. I'll think about it.
(BRIDGE)
GK: I spoke to Senator Ted Cruz and he said that, likewise, he had no intention of supporting (BLAT).
TR (CRUZ): I'll tell you this. I've pledged if I'm elected Majority Leader of the U.S. Senate, on my very first day in office, I intend to introduce a bill to prohibit the use of the name (BLAT) on any official government document and to prosecute anyone who does .
GK: I see. You forgot to say "to the full extent of the law."
TR (CRUZ): To the full extent of the law. (BRIDGE)
GK: I ran into Bernie Sanders in the airport (AIRPORT P.A.) and I noticed he was standing in the First Class line.
TR (SANDERS): It's only so I have room to open a laptop and write my speech.
GK: You've been giving the same speech for more than a year.
TR (SANDERS): And I need to stretch my legs.
GK: Your legs are shorter than anybody's.
TR (SANDERS): It's so I can meet people who wouldn't ever come to my rallies.
GK: So are you ready to support Mrs. Clinton?
TR (SANDERS): We are still waiting for absentee ballots from Americans living in Sweden. We think there might be more than anyone thinks.
GK: Okay. (BRIDGE) So I spoke to President Bush and he's thinking it over. I don't think he will. .
SS (HILLARY): Very good.
GK: I must say, you're looking pretty snazzy, Mr. President.
TR (BILL): Oh, thanks. But when Hillary's elected, I'm not going to be Mr. President anymore. I'm going to be just plain Bill.
GK: Okay, whatever you say. You really look sharp though, I must say. I like the pale-blue jacket with the asymmetrical side vents and pleated trousers with empire waist and the slanted cuffs.
TR (BILL): It's by Wang Li Hu, my new favorite designer.
GK: Who?
TR (BILL): Exactly. Mauve stripes with rounded collar, magenta silk tie with the sequined pockets, and the asymmetrical cuffs.
GK: What would you wear to the Inauguration?
TR (BILL): I have Donna Karan working on that right now.
GK: Excellent. So---- Mrs. Clinton. May I be frank?
SS (HILLARY): Yes.
GK: Have you ever told a joke?
SS (HILLARY): In a speech?
GK: Or anyplace.
SS (HILLARY): I don't remember.
GK: If the answer is you don't remember, then probably
you haven't.
SS (HILLARY): Could be true.
GK: Why not?
SS (HILLARY): We never told them in our house. When I was a kid.
GK: You wanted to be taken seriously.
SS (HILLARY): Yes. Of course.
GK: Would you try telling one?
SS (HILLARY): Which one?
GK: This one.
SS (HILLARY): Yo mama is so dishonest, they ask for a photo I.D. when she pays cash.
GK: Okay. Try another one.
SS (HILLARY): Yo mama is so dishonest, she's half Lutheran, half Methodist, and half Unitarian
GK: Okay. You know what might improve your voice is if you try to sing.
SS (HILLARY): I don't sing.
GK: But privately. For practice. Voice training. Try it.
SS (HILLARY): You're not recording this are you.
GK: No. (SINGS)
There's nothing you can do that can't be done
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy
All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need
(BRIDGE)
GK: She worked on it. I could see progress. So I left her to work on it. The proposal to name the alphabet streets in downtown Washington was easily killed. I simply created a task force to study it, made up of 12 experts from all over the country, and they're starting to design a public opinion survey which should be ready to go in 2019. In other words, the idea is safely disposed of.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to hide its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions, Guy Noir, Private Eye.