(THEME)
GK (SINGS):
You gotta be brave as time goes by
And see things as they are,
And if you need help from an older guy
Call on me.......Guy Noir.
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was April, a touch of spring had come to the frozen tundra, baseball season had started, hope was still alive, and one afternoon, as I was removing the newspapers I'd stuffed into the cracks around the windows, (PHONE RING, PICKUP) Yeah, Noir here.
FN (ON PHONE): Noir, it's Danny.
GK: Danny. Long time, no hear.
FN: You still in the tiptoe business?
GK: Maybe. Depends on the simoleons, Danny. The green stuff. Mazuma.
FN: Lots of mazuma, Guy. And the job's in The Mega McIntosh. The Huge Haralson. The Fat Fuji. (BRIGHT STING)
GK: The Big Apple, huh. It'd been a long time since I'd seen Gotham. Thought about it a lot. The opera. Bryant Park. Broadway. The Strand bookstore. So I got me a new credit card and I flew east and that night (NEW YORK TRAFFIC AMBIENCE, OUTDOOR. FOOTSTEPS P.O.V.) I was hoofing it along West 44th Street. Past the Algonquin, the New York Yacht Club, the Harvard Club.
TR (RICH): Excuse me. A question, my good man?
GK: Yes?
TR (RICH): I'm Baxter Heffalump the Third. Harvard, '78. Do you notice something wrong with me? Something amiss? I am a world traveller, well-read, worth fifty million dollars, and people look at me and snicker? What is going on here?
GK: You have spinach in your front teeth.
TR (RICH): Spinach!!!!
GK: A big clump of it. Open wide. (POP) There. All gone.
TR (NORMAL): Oh my gosh. Why didn't anybody tell me? I've been going around with a handful of spinach sticking out of my teeth?
GK: You need better friends, sir. Two hundred bucks.
TR (NORMAL): Two hundred bucks to tell me I have spinach in my teeth??
GK: You want me to put it back?
TR (NORMAL): No. Here. Thanks. (STING)
GK: Just arrived in the city and already I was two hundred bucks to the good. And thinking maybe I should've charged more. It wasn't just the spinach. His breath was bad, too. That's the problem with being rich. Nobody wants to give em bad news.
SS: Excuse me, sir.
GK: Ma'am?
SS: Sorry to trouble you, but could I ask a question?
GK: Of course.
SS: Do I look like a man to you?
GK: No, you don't.
SS: You sure?
GK: Positive.
SS: The reason I ask is that my name is Chuck and I was born a male but I've always felt female and I'm going to North Carolina this week and I just am not sure what to do about that.
GK: I think you're going to be okay. You're very womanly. Except for the hair in your ears.
SS: You sure?
GK: I am. That's two hundred bucks.
SS: Okay. Thanks for the help. (BRIDGE)
GK: I was doing great, four hundred bucks in just one block. At this rate, I'd be sitting pretty when I got down to Soho which was what I'd come to New York for. What Danny called me about was very hush-hush and I was supposed to meet him at a private club in Soho. So I headed downtown----
TR (RICO): Hey. How come you was talking to my girl back there? I seen you making eyes at her.
GK: I wasn't talking to any girl back there. I was ---- oh, you mean Chuck? The one in the black dress and the pearls----
TR (RICO): Yeah. My girlfriend, Charlotte. She give you a big wad of money.
GK: Right. Well, she was asking me to put some money on the horses for her.
TR (RICO): Not so fast-----what horses?
GK: Pimlico.
TR (RICO): My girl don't play the horses. You're lying to me. What's the money for? Tell me or you're going to get a big knuckle sandwich -----
GK: Mister, I am a delicate older person. You hit me and you're going to have a great big mess on your hands.....
TR (RICO): Mister I am going to introduce you to a world of pain so bad, you are going to get a memoir out of this. You know what I mean?
GK: Oh my gosh. Right behind you. It's Hillary Clinton.
TR (RICO): Yeah, right. You expect me to fall for that? Hillary Clinton, my foot.
GK: Madame Secretary, good to see you----
SS (HILLARY): And very good to see you. How are we doing today?
TR (RICO): My gosh---- it is----- (SWIFT KICK, TR GROANS, FALLS, GROANS) ----
SS (HILLARY): Oh my goodness, what happened to him? That poor man----
GK: He's an old friend. He gets these stomach spasms all the time. I'll take care of him.
SS (HILLARY): You sure?
GK: Good luck to you in the primary, ma'am----
SS (HILLARY): Thanks. Say hi to Bill.
TR (BILL): How we doing there?
GK: Great to see you. Looking good. (BRIDGE)
It's an exciting town, New York. You just never know who you're going to meet on the street. I got down to Soho and found the private club. It was so private, there was no sign on the door or anything. (KNOCKS)
FN: Yeah?
GK: It's me, Danny.
FN: What's the password?
GK: C'mon, Danny. It's me, Guy.
FN: I'm serious. I sent you a password.
GK:Well, I forgot it.
FN: Then make up a new one?
GK: How about "Persistent Questions"?
FN: You gotta have a number in it.
GK: Why?
FN: Because I said.
GK: Okay. Persistent Questions 1.
FN: Somebody's already using that.
GK: Persistent Questions 2.
FN: Any capital letters?
GK: It's spoken, for heaven's sake. How you gonna know if there's a capital letter in it?
FN: Inflection.
GK:The Q: is capitalized.
FN: Let me hear it.
GK: Persistent Questions....
FN: I don't hear it.
GK: Come on, Danny.
FN: Say it again.
GK: Persistent Questions 2. Can I come in now?
FN: Wait a minute. According to the computer, you're already in.
GK: I'm not. I'm out here.
FN: Computer says you're already in here.
GK: I'm right here. You know what I look like,
FN: What's your mother's maiden name?
GK: Caputo.
FN: Wrong.
GK: Gladys Caputo.
FN: Sorry. What was your first dog's name?
GK: Rocky.
FN: Rex.
GK: It was not Rex.
FN: One more----- on "Downton Abbey," the character Violet Crawley is the Dowager what?
GK: How'm I supposed to know that?
FN: It's right here. One of your security questions.
GK: You've got the wrong guy.
FN: Dowager Countess of Grantham.
GK: I never saw that show in my life.
FN: I can't let you in.
GK: What was the problem you wanted me to come out to New York and work on, Danny?
FN: Security. We got security problems.
GK: Yeah, you got too much of it.
FN: Anyway, I'm sorry. I'll call you next week.
GK: Better be sure you have a password when you do.
FN: What do you mean?
GK: A password, Danny. With a numeral and a capital letter.
FN: What is it?
GK: That's for me to know and you to find out. So long.
DOOR SLAMS SHUT. BRIDGE
GK: So I got a trip to New York out of it anyway. Sun was shining. I walked around town. In Times Square, there were all these people dressed up as Spider Man and Elmo and Superman offering to take pictures with you for a buck or two---- and one man dressed up as Donald Trump.
TR (TRUMP): Hey. Let's make American great. Want a picture with me.
GK: Get away.
TR (TRUMP): C'mon. I'm a very nice guy. Very presidential. Got a beautiful wife. How about a picture?
GK: I don't want a picture with you.
TR (TRUMP): I'm very smart about a whole lot of things. Very smart. Wrote a book. Art of the Deal. Terrific book.
GK: You know, he ought to sue you, dressing up as him.
TR (TRUMP): I am him. Look. Real hair.
GK: You're not him. Why would he be walking around Times Square taking pictures with people? He's got better things to do.
TR (TRUMP): Why would I be running for President?
GK: A lot of people want to know that.
TR (TRUMP): C'mon, let's take a picture. Twenty bucks.
GK: Twenty???? Other people are asking a dollar.
TR (TRUMP): Yeah but they're not me.
GK: You know, I think you are him.
TR (TRUMP): Smile. Look at the birdie. (CUCKOO, CLICK) Twenty bucks. Thanks. (STING)
GK: I'd earned four hundred already, so why not share. Quite a day in New York. Heckuva town. Bronx is up, the Battery down. My battery was running down too, so I went home, but I'll be back. I'll be back.
SS: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers...Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)