(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC UP)
GK: It was February and Valentine's Day was over and gone with all the false hopes that it raises and I was sitting in my office working the crossword (KNOCKS)---- Yeah, come in. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS)
TR: Mr Noir, my name is Kyle Tuborg ---- do you run background checks on people?
GK: All the time.
TR: There's this wonderful girl I've been seeing. I feel terrible doing this, but----
GK: It's perfectly normal.
TR: I love her and I hate to snoop around but I just need to know something----
GK: Nothing wrong with wanting to know.
TR: You see, she told me she was a bartender but I went to her business address and it's the First National Bank and I can understand someone being a little embarrassed about being a banker, wanting to wait until we get to know each other better, but----- you know?
GK: Maybe you went to the wrong address.
TR: No, I checked it twice. It's right here on 5th Street. And also I found a picture of her on Facebook that bothered me. She told me she's Episcopalian but in the picture she's praying with her forehead pressed to the ground. So she's Muslim. A Muslim banker.
GK: Wait. Is the address South 5th Street?
TR: Yeah.
GK: That's in Minneapolis. You're in St. Paul.
TR: Oh?
GK: Minneapolis has a South 5th Street. Here, it's an East Fifth Street. Look in Minneapolis.
TR: Okay. But the picture of the forehead to the ground?
GK: Does she wear contact lenses?
TR: Yes----
GK: There you are.
TR: Okay. Thanks. By the way--- 53 Down?
GK: Yeah?
TR: It's "genius".
GK: 53 Down.... "A prodigy, or master". Oh, right. (WRITING SFX) (DOOR CLOSE)
GK: That'll be fifty bucks. Where'd he go? Dang it. When did I become a non-profit? (KNOCKS) Come on in, the door's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS)
FN: Good morning, Guy.
GK: I know you, don't I.
FN: Yes, you do, Guy.
GK: I thought so.
FN: And--- you were right.
GK: Good. (PAUSE)
FN: Want a hint?
GK: I'm a professional detective, sir. Ascertaining the identity of the unknown is my stock in trade. And I can't help but notice particles of what appears to be tofu on your suit---- are you in the natural foods business?
FN: It's not tofu, it's flecks from my eraser. I'm your career counselor, Guy.
GK: Larry!
FN: Marvin..
GK: Marvin! Haven't seen you for a long time.
FN: Ever since I sent you the bill. Two months ago.
GK: You know, I was looking for that on my desk just the other day----
FN: Guy, I'm here to tell you: you're in the wrong line of work.
GK: People have told me that.
FN: Your aptitude test says it loud and clear. You're terrible at dealing with other people. You score very high as a lighthouse operator, very low as a detective.
GK: Well, truth-telling is a lonely profession, sir.
FN: Social skills ---- you're in the 14 percentile.
GK: You say that like it's a bad thing.
FN: You sit here alone, waiting for the phone to ring, working the crossword puzzle.
GK: Well, that's how life is sometimes.
FN: By the way, 21 Across should be: INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT.
GK: Which?
FN: 21 Across. Where you wrote: INTOTHEFOREST QUICKLY.
GK: Really---- Oh, you're right. (WRITING SFX)
FN: So----- whenever you find that bill I sent----
GK: You bet. I'll get that check right off to you.
FN: There's an ad in the paper here for a parking lot attendant.
GK: Thanks.
FN: Sit in a little office and you take people's payments as they leave.
GK: Right. I'm aware of that. (DOOR CLOSE) It was the Tuesday crossword which usually is a piece of cake. Every week I take a reading on my intelligence and sometimes I get to Thursday. Friday is hard. Saturday is not as hard. Sunday is a killer. Today I seemed to be stuck on Tuesday. (KNOCKS, DOOR OPEN, HIGH HEELS ENTER) She walked right in, tall and dark, a dead ringer for Ava Gardner, in a black pinstripe suit that put the voom in va-va-va-voom, the trousers so tight, I could see that in her front right pocket she had a chess piece, a bishop. ----
She was the one in the picture, with her forehead to the ground----Hello?
SS: Oh. Hi. Sorry to barge in---- the door was open.
GK: Barge in whenever you like. What can I do for you, Miss?
SS: Well, this is embarrassing, but I've been dating a guy
who I like but I don't know---- I'd like to know more. Could you do a background check?
GK: Would his name be Tuborg by any chance?
SS: Why yes!!! How did you know?
GK: You're the fourth woman who's come asking about him today. The guy preys on single women bankers, trying to get their passwords, he's wanted in four states.
SS: Wow. Thanks for warning me.
GK: You're welcome. --- You wouldn't happen to know a word for "Accomplished, capable," would you?
SS: You mean on the crossword?
GK: Sure. Lean down and have a look---53 Across.
SS: Blank blank F T blank blank.
GK: She leaned over my shoulder and I was overwhelmed by the nearness of her.
SS: "Gifted"---- G-i-f-t-e-d.
GK: The way she said it thrilled me more than I'd want anyone to know and luckily I recorded it on my cellphone.
SS: Gifted.
GK: And I've been listening to it all week.
SS: Gifted.
GK: Whenever I feel a little down about myself.
SS: Gifted. G-I-F-T-E-D. (THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC UP)