(THE GRAND SWEEP OF HISTORY THEME)
GK: And now we turn to our Listeners Mailbag for a question from E.Q. of Detroit----
TR: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ST. PAUL AND MINNEAPOLIS?
GK: Let's go back in time to Minnesota Territory, 1839. A Frenchman named Pierre (Pig's Eye) Parrant, establishes a trading post on the Mississippi River. (WHINNY. WHOA) (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPEN) (FOOTSTEPS)
TR: (FRENCH) Allo, allo, allo, allo, mon amis. (FRENCH) What can I do for you today, monsieur?
FN: Got some furs here. This is a trading post, ain't it?
TR: Oui monsieur.
FN: Want to trade these furs of mine for some whiskey.
TR: Oui, monsieur. Aha. Beaver, fox, deerskin, rabbit ---- what's this?
FN: That's badger.
TR: Oh, we don't take badger. Care for a taste of the whiskey? (POURING) There.
FN: You make this yourself?
TR: Oui, monsieur.
FN: Okay. Down the hatch. (SWALLOW, WHOOPS,
SHAKES CHEEKS, BIG EXHALE) That's what I call whiskey. Say, what happened that you lost your eye?
TR: A bird pooped in it.
FN: How can you lose an eye over that?
TR: Well, I reached up to wipe the poop out.
FN: Yeah?
TR: And I forgot that I had a fork in my hand. (BRIDGE)
GK: And so the settlement came to be called Pig's Eye. Because they were drunk and they didn't care. And a few years later Father Lucian Galtier arrived and decided that Pig's Eye was not appropriate for a town where he intended to build a chapel.
DR: The name Pig's Eye is as bad as the name of that town to the west, Mini-Strapless. ----I hereby christen this town, St. Paul. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen. (BELL DINGS)
GK: And that was the beginning of civilization. Soon there were laws against spitting and there were handicapped parking spaces and there was a chamber orchestra (VIOLIN CADENZA) and they opened a library (SHHHH) and theaters (SS: Come, gentle night; give me my lover; and, when he shall die, let me be acquitted.) and they got a better brand of whiskey.
TR: This is an 1842 whiskey, very complex nose and finish, very smoky, with accents of fruit and chocolate, and a long finish of mushrooms, wet wool, and dog dooky.
GK: Meanwhile, Mini-Strapless, to the west, grew faster due to the fact that people there couldn't read and didn't care about the arts and only wanted to work and they actually enjoyed milling flour (GRINDING, MACHINERY) and building the railroad (HAMMER ON STEEL, AGAIN, AGAIN, AGAIN) and running the banks (SLIPS OF BILLS, SS: Twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, one hundred. Twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, two hundred. Twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, three hundred. FADES) while St. Paul devoted itself to spiritual things ---- Catholics (TR CHANTING: Cantet nunc io chorus Angelorum cantet nunc aula caelestium:Venite adoremus, venite adoremus,venite adoremus. Dominum! and some Lutheran (TR: So.......just checkin in, Lord.......Thanks for all your blessings. Could be worse.) and Jews...
(RD: Thank you for getting Larry through medical school. And thanks for getting him off the kosher mishigoss. Now find him a nice wife. Like Debbie Schwartzman.) whereas over in Minneapolis you mainly had Unitarians (SS: O spirit of love that is out there in the cosmos somewhere, come fill us with warm feelings and a sense of certainty but without any specifics that we'd only wind up arguing about) and a whole lot of atheists (TR: Thank you for not existing, which means that we are free not to get all uptight about what you want, which, since you don't exist, is not a factor. Amen.)
Had we kept the name Pig's Eye, it's very doubtful that St. Paul would be the state capitol. We'd be a tiny disreputable village on swampy land and there'd be no zoning and none of you would want to come over here. Thank you, E.Q. for your question and we'll be sending you a pocket New Testament in the mail.
(BIG THEME)