(THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS......brought to you by Trailblazer table mats and napkins for gracious dining in the great outdoors. They're soaked in alcohol to kill off ants and chiggers. (FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL)
GK: Yellow Gulch is pretty quiet today, Dusty. Sort of an ominous silence on Main Street.
TR: Well, if I lived in a town like this, I'd be pretty quiet too.
Let's head for the saloon and elevate our mood. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS) Huh. Nobody here. Just Sally behind the bar.
SS: Howdy boys. What brings you into Yellow Gulch?
GK: Just heading down the dusty godforsaken trail and wanted to look at something other than each other. How come the town's so dead today?
SS: It's on account of Big Messer is running for sheriff.
TR: What?? Messer? Ha!!!!!!
GK: He's the biggest crook in town.
SS: I think he might get elected.
TR: How can people be that stupid?
SS: "How can people be that stupid?" You're asking me? A bartender?
TR: Oh. Right. Well, I withdraw the question. Gimme a glass of whiskey.
GK: Give me a sarsaparilla, Sally. Where's your piano player?
SS: He called in sick. Said he was in a bad mood. Want me to put a record on the Victrola?
GK: Okay.
(CRANKING OF VICTROLA, HISS & SCRATCHES OF NEEDLE)
DR & GW (SING):
Two cowboys rode to town one windy winter day
Two lonesome cowboys hoping to chase the blues away
Little did they know they would encounter tragedy
Yodel adi yodel adi tee
(GUITAR CONTINUES UNDER.....)
GK: How about something more cheerful, Sally?
TR: Shhhhh. I like sad songs.
DR & GW (SING):
They walked into a barroom and sat down at the bar
Hoping they would soon be jolly har-de-har-de-har
But all their worst fears were about to become true
Yodel adi yodel adi hoo
(GUITAR UNDER.....)
GK: Turn that thing off, Sally.
TR: I want to hear the rest....
GK: I don't.
TR: Hey, take your hands off that----
(BIG SCRATCH OF NEEDLE SLIDING ACROSS DISC, GUITAR STOPS)
GK: Sorry. Didn't mean to scratch your record.
TR: Put the needle back on.
(POP, THEN GUITAR CONTINUES, W HISS AND ALSO THE CLICKS OF THE SCRATCH)
DR & GW (SING):
One ordered sasparilla and one a glass of rye
And never saw the dark clouds gathering in the sky
Dark clouds of evil, all twisted round and curled,
I been all around this world.
(POP, STOP)
GK: So what's this about Big Messer running for sheriff?
SS: Messer is supposed to be giving a speech out on Main Street about now.
GK: Well, hold my sarsaparilla, I'm going out and see what's going on.
TR: I'm gonna wait here.
GK: Back in a minute. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CROWD)
FN (MESSER): Friends, I know what you are thinking- ---- how can I, with my history of cheating and lying and bullying and outright meanness ---- how can I serve the cause of law and order? I'll tell you why. Because with heinous criminals like the Ices on the loose, you need someone mean in the sheriff's office.ACLU liberals cannot protect you. These Ices are sneaking in over the Canadian border, they put their icy fingers around your neck and you are done for. You need somebody who'll shoot first and ask questions later. And that's me.
SS (TO GK): Someone's got to stand up to this jerk.
GK: Don't look at me, Sally.
SS (TO GK): He's the worst candidate for sheriff I can think of.
GK: I'm not from here. I'm just passing through.
FN (MESSER): You need me, folks. Because I am meaner than mean. I was spawned by the devil in a den full of rattlesnakes, every bone in my body is full of meanness, I would as soon stomp on you as look at you, and I can deal with those Ices whenever they should come to town---- me!
SS (TO GK): Are you afraid of him?
GK: I am not.
SS (TO GK): Then why don't you say something?
GK: I'm just passing through, that's why.
FN (MESSER): Hey you! ---- You with the hat!
GK: Me?
FN (MESSER): YES. YOU! What you whispering about back there when I'm giving a speech? What's the matter with you?
GK: The lady asked me a question.
FN (MESSER): What was that?
GK: She asked, Why don't I tell you that you're a jerk?
FN (MESSER): Well, I am a jerk. And that's why you ought to make me sheriff. Because I will stoop to anything that will rid us of the Ices.
GK: So where are these Ices?
FN (MESSER): North of here. Canada.
GK: I don't see any.
FN (MESSER): When we least expect it, they will be on us like a whirlwind with their icy fingers around our jugular veins.
GK: So exactly how are you going to defend us?
FN (MESSER): I am not going to discuss that here where they may be undercover Canadians---- like you, Mister? You with the drink in your hand.
TR: Me?? I just rode into town this afternoon.
FN (MESSER): You got a Canadian look about you. What you wearing on your foot?
TR: A boot.
FN (MESSER): A boot!!! Hear that folks??? He's Canadian. And that's what I am talking aboot. ----Folks, these two men just rode into town from goodness knows where for what purpose we have no idea---- I say, we detain them until we find out what it going on here. Grab em. Don't let em get away. (STRUGGLE, BRIDGE)
TR: Well, here's another fine mess you got me into.
GK: You wanted to stop in Yellow Gulch.
TR: I didn't want to stay overnight in jail.
GK: Well, that's where we are. Oh oh. We got visitors.
(FOOTSTEPS)
FN (MESSER): Okay, gentlemen. As acting sheriff of
Yellow Gulch, I want you to meet your defense attorney.
FN: Hi, I'll be representing you in court in the morning. And this here is the prosecutor.
FN: Hello. I'll do the prosecution. And here is the presiding judge.
FN: That'd be me. Trial is tomorrow morning, 8 a.m. And everything you've said up til now can and will be held against you.
GK: What are we charged with?
FN (MESSER): We have yet to decide that. We'll let you know tomorrow.
TR: I hear hammering and sawing outside as if someone is building some sort of framework or structure.
FN (MESSER): No comment on that. Here is your supper.
TR: Pork and beans, huh? Not much of a last meal.
FN (MESSER): You care for music with dinner?
GK: No. Don't turn that record player on. Please. (CRANK, HISS & SCRATCH)
DR & GW (SING):
The cowpokes who came to town with hearts so fancy-free
They ate their last supper in the penitentiary
Knowing they would never live to see the dawn
Da doo ron ron da doo ron ron doo ron
(GUITAR CONTINUE UNDER....)
GK: You know this song is not making me feel better.
TR: Don't turn it off, I gotta find out how it comes out.
GK: I would rather not know.
DR & GW (SING):
And then they heard a key unlocked the jail cell door
(SFX)
A lovely maiden stood there whom they'd met some years before
And she whispered,
HM (SINGS):
Boys, come follow me, I cannot let you hang.
DR & GW (SING):
Shang a lang a lang a lang shang a lang
(GUITAR UNDER.....)
HM: You remember me? When I was a child, you came riding by and saw me holding my dog and crying and you got down off your horse, sir, and asked what was the matter.
TR: I did?
HM: You did. And I told you he had a sandbur in his paw, and you pulled the sandbur out and I've remembered that act of kindness all my life.
TR: Well, I'll be darned.
HM: I brought your horses up to the back door. The guard is asleep. Here's a couple of tuna salad sandwiches. Good luck to you. Go. Quickly.
DR & GW (SING):
The cowboys mounted up and galloped out of town
Their kindness to the dog, it had come back around
Goodness triumphs in the end as all good children know
E I E I O
Cast your bread upon the waters and one day it'll come back to ya
(w HM)
Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah.
TR: Let's ride, Lefty!
GK: Let's go. (GIDDYUPS, WHOOPS, GALLOPING HOOVES AWAY)
(THEME)
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys.......brought to you by Trailblazer table napkins and placemats for fine dining in the out of doors.