GK: Once upon a time, on Christmas Eve, Ebenezer Scrooge sat in his office, counting his money, when a lady was shown in who was collecting for the poor.

SS: It's our annual collection for the poor and destitute, sir. To buy them food and fuel. How much would you like to donate?

TR (TRUMP): Excuse me? You know, I have said it before, I'll say it again: deport them. OK? Every last one. They're losers. Total losers. Send them back where they come from.

SS: But there are eleven million of them, Mr. Scrooge.

TR (TRUMP): I don't care. Round em up and send them south. OK? And build a wall to keep the others out. You gotta be tough.


GK: That night as Scrooge sat in his rooms, eating his supper, he heard someone (CHAINS, MOANING) coming up the stairs and into the room, dragging chains behind him.

FN (GHOST): Ebenezer Scrooge-------- it is I, your old partner, Jacob Marley, condemned to walk the earth, carrying the chains I forged in life.

TR (TRUMP): Excuse me, but I got no idea what you're talking about.

FN (GHOST): Beware, Ebenezer, lest you meet the same fate.

TR (TRUMP): You're a loser, you know that? You're disgusting. You're a dope. OK? A very low-energy dope.

FN (GHOST): You will be visited by a spirit tonight, at the stroke of twelve.

TR (TRUMP): Oh what do you know-----



TR (TRUMP): Hello? Hey. Excuse me. Who're you?

SS (HILLARY): I am the Spirit whose coming was foretold

to you. The Ghost of Christmas Past.

TR (TRUMP): Oh boy. Is this going to take long? I've got a whole list of appointments. Gotta see the dermatologist. Talk to the guys who count my money. Gotta fly down to Florida. OK?

SS (HILLARY): Look. Here's who you were ten years ago. You supported universal health care, a ban on assault weapons, legalization of marijuana, you were pro-choice, you were opposed to us going to war unless there was a direct threat to the country, and you proposed a one-time 14% surtax on wealth. You were to the left of Bernie Sanders, Ebenezer. What happened?

TR (TRUMP): Who are you? Are you from the Washington Post? Huh? You're a disaster. OK? You're the worst ghost I ever saw in my life. Get out of here. Security!!!! (BRIDGE)


TR (TRUMP): Oh boy. Another one. Whaddaya want? Huh? Who are you?

ELLIS: I am the Ghost of Christmas Present.

TR (TRUMP): You have a Christmas present for me?

ELLIS: I am here to show you the humble condo of your assistant vice-president Bob Cratchit.

TR (TRUMP): Oh boy. I shoulda fired him a long time ago.

ELLIS: See where he and his little family gather for their Christmas goose. ----

SS (COCKNEY, HUMMING "DECK THE HALLS, THEN....): Well, here we are----- children, come!!!! It's our Christmas pudding. Tapioca. Wish it could be more, but anyway----- children!!!!

FN (COCKNEY): And a very handsome tapioca pudding it is, my love.

SS: No thanks to Ebenezer Scrooge!!!

FN: Now, now.....

SS: You, an assistant vice-president, earning thirty-five thou a year. Lousy benefits. Ugly offices. Your boss always in your face, demanding, harassing people. And now he's running for president. What an embarrassment.

FN: Now, now, it's Christmas, my love.

TR (TRUMP): Geeze, that's not much of a dinner, Spirit. Are they gonna order takeout? And who's the kid sitting in the corner?

ELLIS: That is their little boy. Tiny Tim.

TR (TRUMP): Wow. How'd he get to be so tiny? He looks like he's about four inches tall.

ELLIS: Three and a half. He was shrunken by watching too much television. Reality television. His brain is the size of a dried lentil. And he is one of your biggest supporters. See his T-shirt?

TR (TRUMP): "Scrooge. Make America Great Again." Oh boy. What will happen to him?

ELLIS: The next Spirit will come tonight at the tolling of the bell. Farewell, Mr. Scrooge. (BRIDGE)


TR (TRUMP): So---- I take it you're the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come. What you got for me?

What is that man saying on the TV---- (FADE IN)

FN (NEWSCASTER): And meanwhile in New York, The Scrooge Organization filed for bankruptcy protection, following the loss of leases in its Manhattan .... (FADING)

TR (TRUMP): What is going on here? Hey you. You---- Narrator Guy.

GK: Me?

TR (TRUMP): Yeah, you. I don't like where this is going. You're gonna show me that tiny kid, aren't you. And then I'm supposed to burst into tears and promise to reform ---- am I right? Am I? What's this paper you're handing me---- these are my lines? you expect me to say that? "I am not the man I was. I promise to honor Christmas in my heart every day of the year." Get outta here. I have never apologized in my life and I'm not about to start now. If you think so, you're a bunch of dopes. Total losers. All of you. You want an inspirational story, find somebody else. I'm out of here. (FOOTSTEPS)


TR (TRUMP): Mom?

SS: Just say your lines. Nice and clear.

TR (TRUMP): Do I have to?

SS: Yes.

TR (TRUMP): , I will honour Christmas in my heart-----

SS: Look up when you say it. Look at me. Nice clear voice.

TR (TRUMP): I will honor Christmas....

SS: Diction!!!!

TR (TRUMP): I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. I shall forego pride, ill-will, hatred, envy, bigotry, and selfishness. I shall be as good a man as this good old city has ever known.

SS: That is very good.

TR (TRUMP): Can I go now?

SS: One more line, Benny.

TR (TRUMP): Awwww Ma....

SS: Say it. Loud and clear.

TR (TRUMP): God bless us, every one.

CHORUS: The ants go marching one by one.....