SS: The Lives of the Cowboys....brought to you by Shoshone Shoeshine.....look sharp with a shimmering shine with Shoshone, not sold in shops.


GK: Well, I'm glad we made Yellow Gulch. I hope the hotel still has a couple of rooms available.

TR: Christmas lights sure don't do much for this town, do they. It's hard to camouflage squalor.

GK: Nice Christmas tree at the funeral parlor.

TR: You mind if I ask a question?

GK: What?

TR: Yer gonna give me a book agin for a Christmas gift, aint y'.

GK: Yes, I am.

TR: Y' do that ever year.

GK: Yes.

TR: Last year it was Walden by Thoreau.

GK: Yeah.

TR: I don't read books, Lefty.

GK: Uh huh.

TR: Why'dya allus gimme a book if I don't read em?

GK: So I can read em.

TR: Oh. ----

GK: Get it?

TR: Got it.

GK: Anyway, this is going to be a Christmas to remember.

TR: I should say. When does she arrive?

GK: Any minute, Dusty.

TR: And she's going to choose between the two of us----

GK: That's the deal.

TR: And you saw her in the Personals section of which magazine?

GK: Cowboy magazine.

TR: And she said she's how old?

GK: Dusty, I've read it to you a dozen times. She says: "Mature woman who is young of heart seeks her life's companion. Accomplished cook and Scrabble player, good sense of humor, in good health, and love to sing."

TR: Oh.

GK: Anyway, I wrote to her and said there are two of us to choose from and she said, Okey dokey.

TR: I like that. "Okey dokey."

GK: So the winner takes Miss Betty back to St. Paul and the loser gets to keep the horses, the skillet and the bedrolls.

TR: St. Paul? She's from St. Paul?

GK: You knew that. I told you that.

TR: Only women I knew from St. Paul were either hockey players or nuns.

GK: From the looks of her, I'd say neither.

TR: She sent a picture?

GK: Yep. Right there.

TR: Huh. Little wisp of a woman, I see. And look at those brown eyes. My, my, my. She can hang her coat in my closet any time she likes. Yes, sir. Well, I trust you'll come visit us in St. Paul anytime you feel up to it.

GK: Ha! That horse musta kicked you harder than I thought. The train from Minnesota should be here any minute.

TR: I must say, it feels odd to be meeting a woman through a Personals ad. I always reckoned that brains, good looks, and manly charm would be enough.

GK: Right. (HE SNIFFS) My gosh, what is that? some kind of disinfectant?

TR: That's my new cologne.

GK: It smells like you've undergone treatment for head lice.

TR: Well, I'll just let Miss Betty be the judge of that.

GK: Indeed. I wrote her a song.

(STRUMS, HE SINGS, to "Mother The Queen of My Heart")

Well, I ran away as a young man

To have me a wild old time

And soon I had taken up whiskey,

Loose women and gambling and crime.

Til one night I sat by the campfire,

Just me and my pinto named Steve,

And I thought of my home and loved ones

For that night was Christmas Eve.

The sparks as they leaped from the fire

How festive and merry they were

And I thought of my darling mother

How I had caused heartache to her.

There was no one who loved me like Mama,

No one so loving and warm.

And I leaped up and headed for church straightway

Determined my life to reform.

I married a good Christian woman

Who I met on Christmas day

And we moved to town and I got a job

And I threw my sixgun away.

That woman is my inspiration

She's my light, my song, she's a rock

And for Miss Betty, I'm willing and ready

To go out and shovel the walk.


TR: That is the worst song I ever heard in my life bar none.

GK: Don't care what you think, Dusty. (DISTANT CHUGGING) Oh my gosh, here it comes.

TR: Lemme spritz on some more cologne. (SFX SPRITZES)


FN: (OFF) If this ain't the mangiest town I ever seen and two miserable-looking cowboys to go with it ---- you sure you want to get off here, Ma'am? You know these fellas?

SS: (OFF) Are you two Dusty and Lefty? the ones I been corresponding with?

GK: That's us, ma'am. Welcome to Yellow Gulch.

TR: Howdy. (ASIDE) She don't look nothing like her picture. Nothing like it --- this is a big hefty woman. (FOOTSTEPS AS SS APPROACHES)

FN: Ma'am, you goin to stay here? or go on to Denver?

SS: Let me ask you a question: do you gentlemen like to rassle?

TR: We have occasionally engaged in fisticuffs, yes. As circumstances demanded.

SS: Well, I love to rassle. I have rassled ten, fifteen, twenty men in the past couple years, sometimes for money, otherwise not, and I have yet to be pinned or defeated. I can pick up a three-hundred-pounder and handle him like a monkey handles a peanut. I can twirl him around, work him like a puppet, hang him upside down by his ankles and jiggle him up and down until the snot comes out his nose. I can arm wrestle, leg wrestle, or head butt anybody ---- I am without fear. How about snoring?

GK: Snore? No, ma'am. I've never been aware of my snoring.

SS: And I snore so loud, it exterminates termites, cockroaches, rodents, snakes and lizards. And I also sing. Show tunes. (SHE SINGS, BRASSILY, ACAPELLA) Hey, look me over, give me an ear. Fresh out of clover, mortgaged up to here. I'm a little bit short of the elbow room but let me get me some, and look out, world, here I come.

GK: Well. You got a big voice.

SS: Singing is what makes me happy. It's what fulfills me.----- By the way, how come you only brought two horses?

TR: Yeah, Lefty---- how come we only brought two horses?

GK: Ma'am, if you'd like to take my horse, why, I'd be honored.

You go right ahead.

TR: (ASIDE) Trying to impress her with your manners, huh? Well, good luck. She don't look like the mannerly type.

SS: Well, thank you very much. Very kind of you.

GK: Let me help you up. Here. (GK EFFORT. WHINNY) Sorry, ma'am. I didn't have a good hold on your foot, one more time. (GK EFFORT, WHINNY) You know, I think one more time and we'll get it. One, two, three. (GK BIG EFFORT, WHINNY) There.

TR: You coming back to camp, pardner?

GK: I'll be along shortly. See you soon, Miss Betty.

SS: We'll have the fire blazing for you and a steak a-roasting and I'll be ready for some good rasslin' and I'll play you the entire Bolero by Ravel. Start to finish. (SHE LAUGHS) (SHE WHOOPS. HORSE WHINNY. BOTH HORSES GALLOP AWAY.

GK: You got room for one more on that train, mister?

FN: You got a ticket?

GK: How much?

FN: Twenty bucks'll get you to Denver.

GK: You ever trade a ticket for a song?

FN: Depends on the song.



Sittin by the fire tonight,

Feeling cold and blue

I'm just a lonely saddle bum

And I'm thinking, Mom, of you.

So loving and so patient

You hoped that I would be

A man of reputation

But I turned into me.

A rounder and a gambler,

A wastrel and roue

But I'm sending all my love to you

For it is Christmas Day.

FN: This an original song?

GK: Yes, it is.

FN: I thought so. And is there more?

GK: Fifteen more verses.

FN: How about you don't sing it and we'll take you to Denver?

GK:Okay. Sure.

FN: You're on. Board! (STEAM BURST)


TR: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS...... Shoshone Shoeshine.....look sharp with a shimmering shine with Shoshone, not sold in shops.