It started early Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve.
We were not sure that we believed. Alleluia. Alleluia.
MJ: You going to church?
GK: Are you?
MJ: If you want to.
GK: It's up to you.
MJ: Don't you?
GK: It's fine with me if you want to go, I'll come with you.
MJ: So you don't----
GK: I didn't say that.
MJ: I don't want to force you to go.
GK: Fine. Then don't.
MJ: Okay. Your parents would love it if we would-----
GK: No.
MJ: Why?
GK: No.
I got a sweater, bright green plaid. Bright green plaid.
A gift from Laura's mom and dad. Alleluia. Alleluia.
MJ: It's nice.
GK: This is a golf sweater. I'm not a golfer. I don't wear pastel greens.
MJ: Light green looks good on you.
GK: You see the label. Look at the label. Look. See?
MJ: Oh. ----- Well, she didn't know it was that.
GK: A Donald Trump sweater. I'm not going to wear this.
MJ: Nobody will see the label.
GK: You see the big golden T on the front? Laura, I'll be getting high fives from every bozo on the street. High-school dropouts are going to be my new best friends.
MJ: Just try it on. So I can tell my mother you tried it on.
GK: What if I put it on and I had a massive coronary and I was taken to the hospital in a Donald Trump sweater. Word would get around.
MJ: If you have a coronary, I'll rip it off you----
GK: Before you do CPR.
MJ: Before I do CPR.
We tried to plan our Christmas feast. Christmas feast.
Around our family's allergies. Alleluia. Alleluia.
MJ: Don't forget that Deirdre is lactose-intolerant and she does not eat ginger or nutmeg.
GK: Fine. I'll make the pumpkin pie with chicken broth and garlic.
MJ: And Bob is a vegetarian. But he eats fish. So he's a pesco-vegeterian. But no shellfish.
GK: Okay. A lentil loaf with walleye cheeks.
MJ: And Deirdre's oldest girl only eats things that are white.
GK: Well, that's easy. We'll just roast up some Republicans.
MJ: By the way, whose name did you draw?
GK: Your sister Deirdre.
MJ: What did you get her?
GK: Well, since she decided to join that pagan cult, I gave her a Yule log. It's out in the garage.
MJ: Well, what is she supposed to do with that?
GK: Burn it. I don't know. I'm not a pagan.
MJ: And don't say anything about Sarah.
GK: What about her?
MJ: Never mind.
GK: You mean that she was sentenced to 90 days for DWI?
MJ: Keep your voice down.
Her sister's pagan and her niece. And her niece.
Is out of jail on work release. ALLELUIA. Alleluia.
FN: HELLO!!!! IT'S ONLY ME!!!!!! YOUR BROTHER BOB!!!!!
MJ: Bob! Oh, I'm so glad to see you. (THEY HUG)
FN: How's my little sister?
MJ: (WEEPY) Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine. Just glad to see you.
FN: Oh hi, Carson.
GK: Hi.
FN: Nice sweater.
GK: Thanks.
FN: Green looks good on you.
GK: Good.
FN: Is that a family plaid?
GK: No. It's from your family.
FN: Oh. Looks nice. I'm kind of surprised you changed your mind about the wall along the Mexican border.
GK: Never mind.
FN: Whatcha got against Muslims?
We opened up a Cabernet. Cabernet.
And wished some folks would go away. Alleluia alleluia.
TR: What's that?
MJ: It's pumpkin soup. Pumpkin with chicken broth and garlic. It's not bad.
TR: Oh.
MJ: Want to taste it?
TR: Sure. (TASTES)
MJ: So?
TR: Well, it's different. Deirdre was going to make a lentil souffle. But then she discovered that Capricorn was on her 5th house cusp and so she had to work on the chakras.
SS: Did I hear my name?
TR: Just told your sister you were balancing your chakras.
SS: I hope you're not making fun of me because I happen to feel very vulnerable at Christmas when the energy fields are ---- well----- unbelievably negative. They're just trembling with hostility.
GK: Hi, Deirdre.
SS: Hi.
GK: How are you?
SS: I need to set my own boundaries and take ownership of my own values and not let the higher self be swept away in this tidal wave of ----- you know.
GK: Well, Merry Christmas to you.
SS: I mean, did you know that gold exploits
workers, frankincense is a pollutant, and myrrh harvesting contributes to deforestation? Do you care that turkeys are executed by piano wire?
We opened up a nice Chablis
And drank a glass. Then two and three. Alleluia, alleluia.
TR: Look at this. This Christmas card. Where'd this come from?
"We are two wholenesses,
and when my wholeness touches the border of your
wholeness, we are suddenly outside ourselves, we are each other."
FN: Oh boy. (LAUGHS) Who wrote it?
MJ: My sister.
GK: You?
SS: Yes. It's from my play, "The Journey".
GK: You wrote a play?
SS: It was performed at school last year. You were there.
GK: Oh.
MJ: Could we all just ---- take a deep breath and take a step back and ---- just be a family together? Could we? Could we just let go of all of our biases and animosities and value judgements and just ---- be together?
GK: What do you want? Are we going to have to hold hands and sing The gift to be simple is the gift to be free?
MJ: If it would help -----
TR: Hey---- what do you have against John McCain?
GK: Me? Nothing.
TR: He's a war hero. Your guy was 4F because he had an ingrown toenail.
GK: He's not my guy. This sweater was a gift.
TR: Oh right.
GK: I put it on because she made me put it on.
TR: Fascist.
GK: Oh please.
(SMOKE ALARM)
MJ: You were supposed to take the lentil loaf out---- I told you.
GK: It's her lentil loaf. Not mine.
SS: I cannot believe the vibrations in this room right now.....
MJ: Don't use the fire extinguisher!!!! Just take it out of the oven. (LONG EXTINGUISHER SPRAY)
FN: There. Got it. Everybody okay? What are you looking at me like that for? The oven was on fire.
TR: Let's order Chinese takeout. That way everyone can get what they want.
GK: Look. My sweater got scorched.
MJ: Oh dear.
GK: The T fell off. It was just glued on.
FN: I've always wanted Pad Thai for Christmas.
SS: Turkey Pad Thai.
MJ: I've got the number right here. Where do you want to eat?
TR: We're Americans. Let's eat right out of the little white cartons, standing over the sink.
(CHORUS OF AGREEMENT. All right. Great. Go for it.)
God rest ye merry gentlemen, Gentlemen.
Until the day comes round again. Alleluia alleluia.