TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions....Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: It was December and I was in New York, hired by World Wide Walleye to get more of our fish on New York menus. So what I did was hire a very attractive young woman to go around and call on the buyers ----

HM: Hi. I'm Amber. Want to buy some fish?

GK: She had a master's in philosophy but she managed to hide that pretty well and she moved the product. Meanwhile, I hung out in the Tom Tom Room of the Oglallah Hotel and chatted up Trixie the waitress who I've known for years and years.

SS (SMOKY): It's all fading away, Guy. The old days. All the guys named Fats and Toots, they're all gone. And all the Shortys and the Tinys. Instead of them we got guys named Travis and Josh ----

GK: All the guys with the fedoras and the cigars.

SS: They're gone. I tell you, the no-smoking laws now----- it would've killed them. Smoke was their natural habitat.

FN (GANGSTER): Hey, Trixie, you got a smoke?

SS: Beat it, Duke. I toldja not to come around here.

GK: Hey. Your name is Duke?

FN: That's what they call me. And you?

GK: Guy Noir.

FN: Pleasure to meet you. Heard a lot about you. Some of it good.

Listen. A friend of mine sent me to ask you to get in touch. He needs some help.

GK: What kind of help?

FN: I'll let him tell you.

GK: Who is he?

FN: He's big. Very big. So this is strictly hush-hush.

GK: So where do I meet him?

FN: In the basement. He'll be here shortly.

GK: Okay.

FN: Just go and stand on that little round rug. You see the rug? Go stand on it and when he's ready to see you, we'll pull a lever and you drop straight down.

GK: There isn't an easier way to get down there?

FN: Let's just do it his way, okay?

GK: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS AND STOP) Okay, I'm standing on the rug.

FN: Good. Wait there. It'll just be a few minutes.


HM: Mr. Noir?

GK: Oh, hi, Amber.

HM: I sold all the fish and I have orders for two and a half more tons.

GK: That's a lot of walleye.

HM: I guess there's just a very big demand for walleye. But

I have one question.

GK: Right. ----

HM: How do I know this is real? I mean, everything we know, we know through our senses and through logic, but dreams can be very real too. Right?

GK: Well, you are real and at the same time you're a dream, so what's the problem?

HM: But how do we know we are who we think we are?

GK: You know, this is not a good time to talk. I am just about to disappear.

HM: But if we cannot know that the world is real, then there is no absolute truth, how do we make moral choices?----Or are we stuck in solipsism?

GK: You know, I used to know what solipsism means, and now----

HM: It means that a self can only know itself, it cannot know anything outside itself.

GK: Oh. I was hoping that you and I could get to know each other, at least that's what--------- (TRAP DOOR OPEN) Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee. (SOFT LANDING, ON WATERBED) Wow. That was sudden. ---- Hi. Are you who I think you are?

TR (TRUMP): Yes, indeed. Right here. Thanks for coming down.

GK: I had no choice. Gravity, you know.

TR (TRUMP): You okay?

GK: I am, thanks. Gosh, you look just like you do on TV.

TR (TRUMP): Thanks. Listen, Mr. Noir, you gotta help me . I'm desperate. I got your name from Mike Bloomberg, and he said, Call Noir, so I'm here.

GK: What you got, Mr. Trump?

TR (TRUMP): Listen. Long story short. A year ago I was in a bar talking to a guy I know and he says to me, he says, Don, you should run for President. I says, No way,. He says, Way. I says, Look at me, I'm a big pushy blowhard New York billionaire on my third marriage to a young blonde, I go around bragging, insulting people, trying to get my own way, giving people the finger, no way I could get elected. He says, I'll bet you a thousand bucks you could get the Republican nomination. I says, make it two million and you got you a bet. He says, Put her there. I put her there. So I figure I'm gonna have fun with this, you know?

GK: So you bet him that you'd lose.

TR (TRUMP): Right. I never bet against myself but this time I did. So I announce my campaign and I yell and I jump up and down and I say the stupidest things I can think of --- deport eleven million people, build a wall on the Mexican border, make them pay for it ---- register Muslims ---- I came out in favor of global warming -----I insulted people ----- on and on.

GK: And your popularity went up.

TR (TRUMP): I was loud, insulting, I said stupid stuff ----- people loved it.

GK: And now you're afraid you'll lose the bet.

TR (TRUMP): I'm afraid I'll be elected. My God. How could this happen? What has happened to this country that they'd vote for a guy like me?? I wouldn't vote for me.

GK: So who bet you that you could be elected?

TR (TRUMP): Bill Clinton.

GK: A million bucks.

TR (TRUMP): He's got it.

GK: And what do you want me to do?

TR (TRUMP): Get me out of this. I don't know anything about foreign policy. Government. I got no idea. I'm in real estate.

GK: Why not just announce that you're pulling out?

TR (TRUMP): And say what?

GK: Say the media is all against you.

TR (TRUMP): But they're not. They love me.

GK: Say you want to spend more time with your family.

TR (TRUMP): Ha!!!

GK: Say that you have a substance abuse problem and you're checking into the Betty Ford Clinic to quit.

TR (TRUMP): I don't have a substance abuse problem.

GK: You could get one in a day or two.

TR (TRUMP): I need some way to get out of this and still hold my head up.

GK: Well, you've tried being a jerk ---- why not try being a sensitive wimp? Put flowers in your hair and put on bell-bottoms and sing Joni Mitchell.

TR (TRUMP): I love Joni Mitchell.

GK: You do?

TR (TRUMP): I've always loved Joni Mitchell. Are you kidding. I'm a huuuuuuuge fan of hers.


And the campaigns they go round and round

And the opinion polls they go up and down

We're captive to the crazy things we say

We can't go back, we can only hope

That we don't go insane

And go round and round and round

In the long campaign (BRIDGE)


TR (CLINTON): Yeah hello??

GK: Mr. President, I'm calling for Mr. Trump. He wants out of the bet. This has gone on long enough.

TR (CLINTON): No way. This is the easiest money I ever earned.

GK: This guy could be elected President.

TR (CLINTON): Listen. The country in all its history has never elected an adolescent. You take one look at the guy, he's a dope with an ego the size of the moon. Put your mind at rest. We are going to clean his clock.

HM: Excuse me.

GK: Yes.

HM: How do you know that's really Bill Clinton? It could be an actor playing Bill Clinton. And how do you know it's Donald Trump?

GK: Donald Trump is an actor who plays himself.

HM: But--- are we really here right now? Did we choose to be here? And is this me talking now?

GK: No, it's me talking now and these are all persistent questions that we keep trying to answer, along with --- Is there a God?

SS (OFF): Hello!!! Up here!!!

GK: Who's that?

SS (OFF): Guess!!!

GK: And if there is a God, why does he allow evil to prosper?

SS (OFF): What do you mean, "he"?

GK: And is there a life after death?

SS (OFF): There is and its upstate, near Schenectady.


HM: Did you hear a voice just then?

GK: What makes you think you did?

HM: Are you a philosopher too?

GK: What else is there to be?


TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.