(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME OUT)
GK: It was November, the week before Thanksgiving, and we'd gotten a good snowfall and I'd gotten my first missing persons case. An old lady named Karen.
FN (OLD): She went out for a walk, I can't find her.
GK: What was she wearing?
FN (OLD): White sweater, white slacks.
GK: And she has white hair?
FN (OLD): Yes----
GK: And her name is Karen?
FN (OLD): She's Norwegian.
GK: The problem is she's too white. And it's snowing. White people are supposed to wear some red when it snows.
FN (OLD): So what should I do? --- Oh, here she comes now. (OFF) Where you been? (BRIDGE)
GK: I wished I could disappear. I had to call my sister Georgina and tell her I couldn't come to her house for Thanksgiving. And I had to think up a reason.
SS: You can't come??? But I already ordered the turkey. I made your favorite dressing. I made a pumpkin pie and a peach pie because I know how much you love both of them. Danny will be heartbroken. He has self-esteem issues ---- this could be devastating to him. Can't you just come over for half an hour? For a few minutes? Just drop in? Please, Guy.
GK: I've got a case....it came up suddenly....it's very hush hush....it involves national security.
SS: But it's Thanksgiving----- (QUIET SOBBING)
GK: I couldn't tell her the real reason which is her husband Al who is very much into fantasy football and he can't help telling you about it. Twenty-two players and he is focused on each one of them in a way he never was on his own children, his job, his wife ---- he's discovered his passion in life. And he's cut down on his drinking so he doesn't pass out the way he used to. (STING, BRIDGE) I was about to make reservations at a cafe for Thanksgiving when there was a knock on the door. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) ---- Yeah, come in, the door's open. (DOOR OPEN)
TR (RICO): Hey, Guy.
GK: Hey Joey!
TR: Okay if I come in, Guy?
GK: Sure, of course. (FOOTSTEPS. DOOR CLOSE.) Have a seat. (HE SITS DOWN.)
TR: I come to see you about something.
GK: I figured.
TR: I'm here for Tony.
GK: Tony Rigatoni?
TR: Exactly.
GK: Well. This is an honor.
TR: He respects you very highly, Guy.
GK: That's nice.
TR: And he hopes that he has your respect.
GK: Of course. Please convey my respect to Tony.
TR: I will do that. In fact, he's here. In the hall. Mind if he comes in?
GK: Sure. (FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN)
TR: Come on in, Tony. (FOOTSTEPS) Tony, you remember Guy.
DR (PAUSE, SOFTLY): Yeah.
TR: Guy, you remember Tony.
GK: It's good to see ya, Tony. It's been awhile.
DR: Yeah.
TR: Tony's been in prison for eighteen years, Guy.
GK: I was going to say, it's been about eighteen years, hasn't it.
DR: Yeah.
TR: Tony got out in August.
GK: Well. Congratulations. I'm happy for you.
TR: And now Tony would like you to do a favor for him.
GK: I see.
TR: It's right over there. See? (TURKEY GOBBLE)
GK: The turkey.
TR: Yeah, we need you to kill the turkey.
GK: Why can't you?
TR: Tony raised this turkey himself. He got emotionally attached to it. So he needs you to kill it.
GK: Okay.
TR: But gently. Okay?
GK: Okay.
(TURKEY)
TR: Let's go, boss.
DR: Yeah. (PAUSE) Goodbye, Tommy. You know I don't want to do this. I'm really sorry. Forgive me. Okay?
TR: Come on, boss. (HE SNIFFLES) Goodbye, Tommy. We'll be back in an hour.
(FOOTSTEPS AWAY) (DOOR CLOSE)
(TURKEY)
GK: What you looking at me for? (TURKEY) I'm not your friend so don't get ideas. I don't care what happens to you. Makes no difference to me. You're going to die, you understand? (TURKEY PLEADING) I'll take you outdoors and sharpen an axe and cut off your head. You got that? ((TURKEY SINGS "A MIGHTY FORTRESS") I don't care if you are Lutheran. You're going to die. It's me or you. Tony went to prison for dumping a guy in the lake with his feet in a bucket of concrete. If I don't do you, he's going to do me. So ----- you want to talk to a grief counselor or anything? (TURKEY) ---- And then he made a dash for it. (SFX) And the window was open. (TURKEY FLAPPING WINGS) And they say turkeys can't fly but this one could glide. (TURKEY GOBBLE AWAY, FALLING) And he landed on a truckload of trash (SFX) and the truck went around the corner and he was gone. (STING, BRIDGE) When Tony and Joey came back, I'd bought a fresh turkey from the store and I'd put it in a plywood box with his name on it and his dates, 2015-2015, and a bouquet of flowers.
TR: Did he suffer much?
GK: No. It was quick.
TR: Thanks for doing it.
DR: How'd you kill him?
GK: I gave him a last meal and then a cigarette and I blindfolded him and I whacked him with an axe.
TR: Okay. Thanks a lot.
DR: Yeah. (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: So I picked up the phone to call the cafe and make a reservation and (KNOCKS) ---- Come on in, the door's open.
TR (MINN): Oh hi there. Remember us? We met you two years ago. Duluth.
SS (MINN): Oh he's probably forgotten, Earl.
TR (MINN): It was that model train convention. Remember? You were admiring my layout.
SS (MINN): Earl won the Grand Prize that year. Biggest model train set in the whole dang show.
TR (MINN): I did a scale model of Crookston, Minnesota. Whole dang town. Little sponges for trees, felt for the lawns.
SS (MINN): Took him eleven years to make it.
HM (DEEP): And I'm Earl's sister Earlene.
SS (MINN): She's a nutritionist.
TR (MINN): We thought maybe you'd like to come over for Thanksgiving.
HM (DEEP): I'm making the dinner and everything in it is made from kale. You know about kale? It's amazing. Great nutrients.
SS (MINN): She makes a kale turkey, kale dressing, kale potatoes, kale pumpkin pie ----
TR (MINN): It all tastes great and it's all made of kale.
HM (DEEP): Kale is very high in antioxidants including quercetin and kaempferol. Did you know that? No. They lower blood pressure and they're anti-depressants. One serving of my kale dinner and you've got sixteen months worth of Vitamin K. You know about Vitamin K. It's very important. People don't know. It's an anti-depressant.
SS (MINN): We sit around the table and the train brings us our food.
TR (MINN): I got automatic unloaders, dump the food right on your plate.
HM (DEEP): This is all green kale but I use some purple kale too but mostly it's the green kale. It's an anti-depressant.
(HM, SS, TR VOCAL CONTINUES UNINTELLIGIBLE, ALTERNATING LINES, AS IF PLAYING A TAPE AT SLOW SPEED)
GK: I could hear them talking and I was there but I wasn't there and they were smiling and there was a strange look in their eyes and time seemed to stop and we were in a strange new dimension and I seemed to lose the will to make a decision, they took possession of my very being, and I heard them say again -----
HM, SS, TR (SLOWLY IN UNISON MONOTONE): We thought maybe you'd like to come over for Thanksgiving. We thought maybe you'd like to come over for Thanksgiving.
GK: And I could hear the words come out of my own mouth----
FN (ROBOTIC): Sure. I'd love to.
GK: It wasn't me speaking, but the words came out of my mouth.
FN (ROBOTIC): Sure. I'd love to.
GK: In my heart I was screaming----- (FN: NO!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!! I CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!PLEASE NO!!!!!!!)
But the words came out of my mouth.
FN (ROBOTIC): Sure. I'd love to. (BRIDGE)
GK: And then they were gone. It was like a dream but on the odd chance that it was real and that they might come looking for me, I flew out to a city in Connecticut that a lot of people have used as a getaway. It's one of the last places in America anyone would ever look for you. The name begins with W. I checked into the Tuckahoe Hotel on the river and it's amazing who you meet at breakfast. Jimmy Hoffa.
TR (GRUFF): The waffles are good. I really recommend em.
GK: Amelia Earhart.
SS (HEPBURN): I don't miss aviation at all. It's become so technical. The romance is gone. Utterly.
GK: And this other guy. D.B. Cooper.
FN: I jumped out of that airliner out west with a parachute and two-hundred grand in my briefcase and they never found me. You know why I did it? I couldn't stand the thought of spending Thanksgiving with my family. I was desperate. I've been very happy in Waterbury ever since.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME OUT)