TR (ANNC): Once again, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products is pleased to present....The Story of Bob, A Young Artist....
(DISHES BEING CLEARED FROM THE TABLE)
SS: You care for more of these cheesy weiners, Bob? Go ahead and finish it up. Only about half a pound left. Shame to waste them.
GK: Don't care for it, Berniece.
SS: It's got lots of celery in it.
TR (POPS): Don't know why we couldn't have that hula meat loaf again. That's my favorite. Rex loves it. (DOG PANTING, WOOF)
SS: We had hula meat loaf yesterday, Pops.
TR: So? It's good.
GK: By the way, if someone calls from the Presbyterian church, tell them I'll call back later, okay? I don't want to talk to anybody.
SS: What's going on with you and the church, Bob?
TR: Cheesy wieners gives me gas something terrible.
GK: Oh, they're all in a lather about the Thanksgiving cantata I wrote.
TR: Took two bites and I got a bubble inside me the size of a football.
SS: The cantata they commissioned? The one they paid you for?
GK: Paid me a hundred bucks for, and now they want a rewrite. I don't have time for that.
TR: Where's the scissors around here??
SS: The what?
TR: The scissors! Can't find the goldarned scissors....
SS: They're in your hand!
TR: In the van?
SS: In your hand!
TR: What van? we don't even have a van.
SS: They're right there. See?
TR: Well, why didn't you say so?
GK: If they don't like it, they don't have to perform it. I just don't need the aggravation!
SS: But we already spent the hundred dollars, Bob----- on Thanksgiving dinner.
GK: What??? Oh my gosh.
SS: Spent the money. Sorry. You'll have to revise it-----
GK: Darn it. I wanted to work on my collages.
SS: We'd better have Melanie come over and help you.
GK: Would you mind doing that someplace else?
TR: What's the problem?? (SNIPPING)
GK: Trimming your nose hair at the table.
TR: You don't like it, look the other way. (SNIPPING)
GK: Berniece, could you speak to him? Please? Look at this.
TR: What do you want me to do with it? Comb it over my shoulders? (SNIPPING)
SS: I'll call Melanie right now.
GK: Do you mind? I am eating.
TR: Go right ahead and eat. (SNIPPING) It's no hair off my nose. (BRIDGE)
GK: Thanks for coming over, Melanie. I just need to hear the cantata so I can make some changes.
HM: I really like it, Bob. It's so different from anything I've ever sung in church before. It's going to be really exciting to sing it on Sunday.
GK: Well, some people on the committee think it's too exciting. Let me hear the first line, okay?
(PLUNK KEY ON PIANO)
HM (SINGS, CHANCE NOTES): Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, (SHE BARKS) Come before his presence with singing.
GK: Maybe that's the part they don't like. Try it like this----- (SINGS) Come before his presence with singing.
HM (SINGS): Come before his presence with singing.
GK: Or this. (SINGS) Come before his presence with singing.
HM (SINGS): Come before his presence with singing. (SPEAKS) And then do I set off the cherry bomb?
GK: No, that comes later. (SINGS) Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise. Yodeladi adi adi yodeladi.
HM: Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise. Yodeladi adi adi yodeladi.
GK: I don't know---- maybe I should change that. (SINGS) Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise. Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop ----- How does that sound?
HM: Well, I like it better with the yodel.
GK: Just try the whooping.
HM: I don't think whooping works as well.
GK: Try it. Please.
HM: (SINGS, CHANCE) Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise. Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop -----
GK: What do you think?
HM: I like the whooping.
GK: Okay. We'll go with that then. And then comes the end: (SINGS) Be thankful unto him, and bless his name.
HM: And that's the bomb, right?
HM: (SINGS) Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise. Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop ----- Be thankful unto him, and bless his name. (SFX CHERRY BOMB)
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
SS (OUTSIDE): Bob? You all right? Bob?
SS: So Melanie likes your cantata?
GK: That's what she said.
TR: Boy, that explosive you set off gave me constipation like I never had before. I sat on the pot long enough to read War and Peace.
SS: So are you happy with your cantata, Bob?
GK: An artist is never satisfied, Berniece. The work never completely measures up to the vision.
TR: (STRAINING) Oh for crying out loud. What do they put caps on medicine bottles a person can't even----(STRAINING)
SS: What are you doing with laxatives, Pops?
TR: Dang these childproof caps! (SHAKES PILL CONTAINER)
SS: Are you going to go to church to hear your cantata?
GK: I would but I don't like what happens afterward----- the obligatory standing ovation---- people coming up to you in coffee hour and telling you how brilliant you are.
SS: Well, they mean well.
GK: It's so insincere. They don't understand my work. This town doesn't get me. It's never gotten me.
SS: Pops, what are you doing! Not the hammer! Don't!
TR (MUTTERING, BRINGS HAMMER DOWN, SMASHES CONTAINER): There!
GK: Oh for pity's sake!
TR: Only way to get the dang thing open!
SS: You got pills all over the floor. (REX PANTING) And now Rex is eating them.
TR: Rex, don't. (REX WOLFING DOWN PILLS) Those are laxatives.
GK: You are repulsive, you know that?
TR: Well, when you're my age, you can be repulsive too. (DOG MISERY)
GK: What are you doing now?
TR: Gotta stick my finger down his throat and make Rex throw up, that's what. (DOG GAGGING) Let em go, Rex. Let em go. (DOG RETCHING)
GK: You know it's a wonder anybody can create any art in this house at all.
TR: Rex is just about to create a big work of art. Jackson Pollock all over the floor. (DOG GAGGING)
GK: I am at the end of my rope! I can't even hear myself think around here. I'm going up to my studio ----- call me when supper's ready.
TR (ANNC): THE STORY OF BOB, A YOUNG ARTIST....was brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of automotive products. (MUSIC UP AND OUT)