SS:THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS. . .brought to you by Wild Bill Skin Moisturizer.....it helps hide ugly bruises from fistfights so you're still attractive to the gal you were fighting over ---- and now here's THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....


GK: Took us two weeks of hard riding to get to Cleveland, Dusty, and it was worth the trouble. First city I've seen that has string quartets playing in saloons.

TR: Probably means you pay an arm and a leg for the whiskey.

GK: Well, after weeks on the dusty godforsaken trail, it's amazing to have some elegance. Think of all the lowdown ugly cities in America and this is not one of them.

TR: You thinking of settling down then?

GK: Gotta have a reason to settle down. A reason other than the force of gravity and the law of inertia.

SS: What can I get you boys?

GK: You wouldn't happen to have white wine, would you? A dry white wine?

SS: Of course. How about this Pouilly-Fuisse?

GK: Wow. You even pronounced it right. I assume you did.

SS: Of course. This is Cleveland. It isn't Yellow Gulch.

TR: How come you know where we came from?

SS: I'm from there. I recognize the dust on your trousers.

GK: Huh. Well, what drew you out here?

SS: Elegance. Got tired of the dust and filth and the greasy food and the bullies and the pride of ignorance and came to Cleveland and I've been contented ever since. What can I get you, Mister?

TR: Well, as long as you put it that way, better bring me one of those wines too, but I'll take a (FRENCH NAME).

GK: I never heard you speak French before. Never heard you speak much English either.

TR: I happen to have a good ear, that's all. (PAUSE) That's why your singing has bothered me all these years.

FN (OLD-TIMER): Well, one thing I love about out west is the freedom. You don't have all these rules and regulations --------the deadlines and the evaluations -----the No Parking Tuesdays or Thursdays except between 9 a.m. and 4 p.m. and on National Holidays ---- that sort of thing.

SS: Well, it's true --- you come to a big city, there's going to be a little more regimentation.

CELLO: Ha!!! How about us?

GK: Who's that?

CELLO: This string quartet sitting back here by the toilets.

GK: Oh. There you are.

CELLO: You don't know what regimentation is until you've been the cellist in a string quartet. You have to watch every move the first violin makes and she gets all the good parts while you sit and play rhythm.

VIOLA: Oh yeah? How about viola? I don't think you guys even know I'm here. To you, I'm just a drone.

SS: Okay, okay, okay. Enough out of you. Take a break. Ten minutes. Go on.


TR (BUSH): Man, I sure know what you're talking about. Lack of freedom and all that. My family told me to get out of Texas and go shut my mouth and be invisible for awhile on account of my brother is in trouble and they don't want people to be reminded of me and the big mess I made.

GK: I didn't see you sitting back there in the shadows, sir. Can I buy you a drink?

TR (BUSH): Don't tempt me. I might say yes.

GK: And who's that there with you? Sir?

TR (DYLAN): Yeah?

GK: Are you who I think you are?

TR (DYLAN): Don't think twice, it's all right.

GK: What brings you to Cleveland?

TR (DYLAN): Looking for that girl from the north country

Where the wind blows heavy on the border line.

GK: Well, they say ev'rything can be replaced.

TR (DYLAN): Yeah, but they also say that ev'ry distance is not near. ---

GK: Never expected I'd see you like this. All alone. Like a complete unknown. How does it feel?


Ask me how it feels.

My dad saying I was not so brainy

And I got pushed around by Dick Cheney

With my brother starting to fail

On the campaign trail

Against that condo merchant

And the neurosurgeon

And they said, if its permissible

Could you go be invisible

So I'm out here all alone

With no direction home.

Like I'm a rolling stone.

GK: So what are you two doing together in a barroom in Cleveland?


We're both just one too many mornings

An' a thousand miles behind

And we've paid some dues getting through

Tangled up in blue

And we're stuck inside of Cleveland

With the Akron blues again.

GK: Hey, Piano Man, what are you doing?

RD: Play some piano while they take a break.

GK: Anything but Camptown Races, okay?

RD: I wasn't even thinking of Camptown Races.

GK: Okay, but it just seems like every bar I go in, they're playing Camptown Races.

RD: What do you want to hear in place of Camptown Races?

GK: Something by Gershwin.


CD: Hey, cowboy. What's the song? Sounds familiar.

GK: It's Gershwin.

There's someone I long to see, I hope she is gonna be, someone to watch over me-----

CD: And here I am, Cowboy.

GK: Wow. You from Cleveland?

CD: Came right straight out of your imagination, Dreamboat.

GK: What you like to drink, ma'am?

CD: How about a Cosmopolitan?

GK: Doris!

SS: Yeah, I heard. (GLASSWARE)

GK: So what part of Cleveland you from?

CD: Cleveland Heights. We're up above Chagrin Falls.

GK: I see.

CD: I'm with the string quartet. I'm their muscle. If a patron gets out of line, I smack em. But right now I'm looking for a napkin I wrote something on.

GK: What'd you write?

CD: A little advice to myself.

GK: Like what? Be true to yourself?

CD: No.

GK: Take time to smell the roses?

CD: No.

GK: Do unto others?

CD: No, not that.

GK: All you need is love?

CD: Nope.

GK: Well, it's all I need, darling. I wrote this for you.


If I could but win your love, Cleveland girl,

Then I would be happy for sure.

I'd tell John Kasich to stick to the basics

And there's only one girl and you're her.

I love your black suit and that big string of pearls,

And the marvelous grandeur of you

If I could but win your love, Cleveland girl,

I might run for president too.

CD: You want to know something, cowboy?

GK: What's that, ma'am?

CD: The day I fall in love with you, Cowboy---- (SHE SINGS) it's a hard, and it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard

And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

GK: Aha. I will take that under advisement.

SS: Here's your Cosmopolitan, miss.

FN (OLD TIMER): Hey, here comes the string quartet, back from break. You kids have a chance to try the buffet in the back room? Good, wasn't it. And what you maybe thought was beef tips was actually badger. Road kill. Pretty fresh.Yeah--- Ever so often you can get yourself a badger that's punky but this was a good un. Nice flavor.

GK: You string quartet people, you happen to know an old cowboy song called "Whoopi-ti-yi-yo git along little dogies"?


Why that is it.


I'm just an old cowboy, with dust in my hair

I'm half alligator and three-quarters bear

And sometimes a liar but let it be known

I never told one lie that was not my own


Whoopitiyiyo get along little dogies

You know your home is out in the west

Whoopitiyiyo there are no educators

Who will give you a dogie aptitude test.


I came to Cleveland and to Playhouse Square

With its elegant style which we don't have back there

What we have is dusty and lonesome and dreary

So this is a paradise here on Lake Erie.


Whoopitiyiyo get along little dogies

You know your home is out in the west

Whoopitiyiyo out there there is freedom

To spit and holler and spill on your vest.


I walked out in Cleveland, the sky was so blue

On beautiful beautiful Euclid Avenue

Theaters, cafes, and me in the midst

And it made me happy to be a humanist


Whoopitiyiyo we're all a bunch of cowboys

Riding the trail and eating the dust

Whoopitiyiyo O beautiful Cleveland

I hope we return, I believe that we must.


SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by Lazy Eight blue jeans, they're extra wide in the rear. (MUSIC OUT)