TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye ---


GK: It was November and the heat had been turned off in my office due to a misunderstanding about the rent so I went downstairs to the Brew HaHa coffeeshop to warm up my hands-----(ESPRESSO)

FN: Yeah, what can I get you?

GK: Cup of coffee.

FN: What you want---- latte, parfait, cappuccino, Mendocino,

latino, san marino, Felicia, espresso, principessa, regina, verbena, cafe au lait, cabriolet, or Ishtar.

GK: Just coffee.

FN: What kind?

GK: Coffee.

FN: You want me to repeat the menu?

GK: No. Black coffee.

FN: It's all black coffee. Coffee is black. Okay. What you want? I don't have all day.

GK: An ordinary cup of black coffee.

FN: We don't make ordinary coffee. You want ordinary coffee, go to a vending machine.

GK: I may do that. Listen, I want a cup of black coffee. Drip coffee. You pour the water in, it runs down through the coffee grounds, and it drips into a carafe.

FN: How about principessa? You want that?

GK: How much is it?

FN: Three-fifty.

GK: For a cup??

FN: Right. For a large cup, four ninety-five.

GK: For drip coffee?

FN: It's from Peru. Or how about the malaguena?

GK: Okay, give me that then.

FN: You want the *** or the ***?

GK: No.

FN: it's a choice: *** or ***?

GK: What does it mean?

FN: It's Basque. Large or small.

GK: Small.

FN: You mean ***.

GK: Yes.

FN: Then say it: ***.

GK: I don't speak Basque.

FN: ***. It's easy.

GK: ***.

FN: Pardon? What?

GK: ***. Small.

FN: Oh. You mean ***?

GK: Yes.


GK: Oh boy. (FOOTSTEPS) I swear, I don't know what is happening in this country. I used to feel like I belonged here and now---- everything is stranger and stranger. (SCRAPE OF CHAIR) Excuse me. You saving this chair for someone?

TR: No.

GK: You mind if I sit down?

TR: Well----- you're not one of those gun control people, are you?

GK: Mister, I don't want to get into it.

TR: I just don't want to sit next to someone who favors stripping away the means of defense and rendering law-abiding citizens helpless to the predations of crazy people, that's all.

GK: Well, let me ask you---- are you carrying a weapon right now?

TR: I've got a howitzer. Right here. Under the table.

GK: Oh my gosh. Is it loaded?

TR: Of course it's loaded!! What would I be doing with an unloaded howitzer???? That's just stupid.

GK: Is that all you got?

TR: No, I got a .38 pistol on a .45 frame and I got six sharpened sticks with poison on the tips.

GK: And that's it?

TR: And a hand grenade.

GK: And that's it.

TR: And an anti-tank explosive device.

GK: You see a tank around here? Do you?

TR: By the time you see it, it's too late.

GK: You think a tank is going to roll up to the Acme Building

and start blasting away?? Do you?

TR: If he does, he isn't going to be blasting away very long. I'll toss this under his treads and WHAMMO. He's gone. And you'll be talking out of a different side of your mouth then.

GK: You know---- I don't think I'm going to sit down next to you. Thanks. Bye.



FN: HEY, you ordered the cafe au lait, right?

GK: Whatever you have is fine.

FN: We're out of cafe au lait.

GK: Then I'll have something else.

FN: What you want? We got latte, parfait, cappuccino,

Mendocino, latino, san marino, Felicia, espresso----

GK: Any of those be fine.

FN: Okay. You want the *** or the ***?

GK: ***.

FN: I thought you ordered a *** before....

GK: I'll just have a ***.

FN: It's no problem making a ***.

GK: ***. Thanks.


SS: Excuse me. Could you help me?

GK: I certainly hope so. (STING) She was tall and blond and the aroma of her perfume seemed to say that she'd been places and seen things she could never explain. A woman of experiences that would make it nearly impossible for her to live in Bemidji, though she was wearing a sweatshirt that said, "Bemidji, First City on the Mississippi".

SS: It's this crossword. Forty-seven across. Sumac.

GK: Yma Sumac. Y-m-a.

SS: Yma?

GK: Famous soprano. Peruvian. Recorded a song called "Bo Mambo".

SS: Wow. Thanks. And Fifty-two down, "Giant". Three letters.

GK: Ott. O-t-t. Mel Ott. New York Giants. Great hitter in the Thirties and Forties.

SS: Wow. If you and I lived together, we'd finish crosswords in no time at all. (BRIDGE)

GK: I let that thought dangle for a moment. ---- So---- Bemidji.

SS: I grew up there. My name is Norma Nordstrom. I changed it to Ava LaVie.

GK: LaVie----- as in-----


Quand il me prend dans ses bras

Il me parle tout bas,

Je vois la vie en rose.

GK: I thought so.

SS: You may recognize me from billboards. For years I was the leading women's underwear model in America. Calvin Klein, Maidenform, Victoria's Secret, I did them all. And then last week they told me I have a tiny crease on my midriff. I don't! Look.

GK: Look? Oh---

SS: Look. Do I have a crease on my midriff?

GK: I don't see one.

SS: And how about there?

GK: Where ?

SS: There.

GK: Oh. There. No.

SS: It was a lie. I'm suing for one-point-five million. And meanwhile I'm going back to Bemidji.

GK: You know people back there?

SS: No, but I'm going to campaign against the hunting of deer.

GK: In Bemidji?

SS: It's barbaric. It must stop.

GK: How are you going to----

SS: I'm going to run through the woods in my underwear, waving a huge white flag, singing (SHE SINGS)




GK: You know there's a man sitting over there with a howitzer and if I were you.....oh oh.....here he comes----(FOOTSTEPS)



SS: Wendy??


TR: Norma?


SS: I never imagined I'd run into you again.

TR: Nor did I.

SS: How are you?

TR: Pretty good.

SS: Wendy is my old boyfriend. He's from Bemidji.

TR: On my way back now.

SS: Really---

TR: Bought a cabin in the woods.

SS: I always dreamed of living in the woods.

TR: Well?

SS: What are you saying?

TR: Let's go.

SS: Bye.

GK: Bye. Nice talking to you.


FN: Here's your san merino, mister. You ordered a a ***, right?

GK: No, a small.

FN: A ***? I'm sure you said a ***.

GK: No.

FN: No what?

GK: No what you said.

FN: Which was what?

GK: A ***.

FN: A what?

GK: Never mind.

FN: I didn't understand you.

GK: It's okay. I'm used to it.


TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building one man is still trying to find the answers to life's questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.