(WESTERN THEME)
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys, brought to you by Durango Brand Durable Drawers----- the sturdy underwear that holds up to the rigors of the trail. It never rips, never slips, never binds or leaves telltale lines. Durango Drawers. And now.....the Lives of the Cowboys.
(HORSE HOOVES, TROTTING)
TR: (DUSTY) Well, I wonder where Lefty went off to. Said he was going to meet me here in front of the Silver Slipper Saloon. Guess he musta got lost. ---- Hey, Old Timer----
FN (OLD): Yeah?
TR (DUSTY): You seen a cowboy wandering around here like he was lost? Tall fellow? Glasses? A look of confusion on his face?
FN (OLD): Haven't seen anyone fitting that description here in Rounded Corners, mister. You and me are the only men in this town at the present time.
TR (DUSTY): We were on our way to Yellow Gulch and we took a wrong turn and wound up here and ---- what you say the name of the town is?
FN (OLD): It's called Rounded Corners. Used to be called Hades Junction. Changed it when the womenfolk took over.
TR (DUSTY): Oh? What womenfolk?
FN (OLD): Two librarians and two Montessori schoolteachers.
TR (DUSTY): What does a town this size need all those librarians for?
FN (OLD): You notice how our streets are alphabetical now? All five of them? Alder, Birch, Coulee, Dogwood and Elm. And the three avenues---- First, Second, and Third. You notice how we don't have drunken people running around yelling hateful things and shooting their firearms?
TR (DUSTY): You musta had to raise taxes something fierce to pay four women to do that.
FN (OLD): Nope. They took over the saloon and they run it and it's a lot more pleasant place now that they ran the dirty cheatin' varmints outta town.
TR (DUSTY): How'd they do that?
FN (OLD): Go ahead and ask them. They're in there right now, all four of them. Mildred, Mavis, Myrna, and Helen. Four women with deep voices.
TR (DUSTY): Thanks for the information. (FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, THEN WOOD) Silver Slipper Saloon. Used to be called The Bucket of Blood, as I recall. And the piano player was banging out "Camptown Races" ---- (DOOR OPEN, CREAK. (FOOTSTEPS. AND STOP.) No more. (PIANO, BACH TWO-PART INVENTION) A vast improvement, I'd say.
SW (DEEP): Hey mister.
TR: Who? Me?
SW (DEEP): You're the only mister in here.
TR: I noticed that myself.
SJ (DEEP): Good. You see the glass jar on top of the piano with the dollar bills in it?
TR: Yeah.
SJ (DEEP): That's a tip jar.
TR: Okay.
AO (DEEP): And you see the box behind the piano? The one with the pistols in it?
TR: Yeah.
AO (DEEP): Drop your guns in there. Both of them.
TR: Okay. (CLUNK, CLUNK) So you women are running this town now, huh?
SW (DEEP): Yeah, that's right.
TR: How'd your voices get deep like that?
SS (DEEP): We used to be idealists. We were songwriters. Wrote songs about the beauty of nature and we were librarians and schoolteachers and our voices got deep from years of yelling at people. And now we're a band. Called I'm With Him.
TR: Who's the Him?
SS (DEEP): Johnny Cash. We are the first all-woman Johnny Cash cover band. You got a problem with that?
TR: No, ma'am.
SW (DEEP): We love the West and we decided the West can be wild without being stupid.
TR: So how'd you run the roughnecks out of town, if you don't mind my asking?
AO (DEEP): Some of them, we threatened with violence. Others, we embarrassed them by asking them questions they forgot the answers to.
SJ (DEEP): Like "What is Newton's First Law of Thermodynamics?"
TR: Uh huh.
SW (DEEP): A man knows that he is supposed to know that. Big Messer came in here with guns drawn and yelling and cursing and we asked him what was Newton's First Law and he just crumpled up in a heap. From the shame of it.
TR: So you sing Johnny Cash, huh?
AO (DEEP): Yeah. Our version of Johnny Cash. (MUSIC)
(SINGS)
I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I eat low-fat food most of the time
With an occasional glass of chilled white wine
And no dessert except yogurt.
SJ (SINGS):
I don't eat red meat like I used to do
And no transfats or processed foods
I eat nuts and berries, leaves and roots,
And my bedtime is half past nine.
SW (SINGS): I walk the line. And I feel fine.
TR: Hey. I like it.
SW (DEEP): I don't care if you like it or don't like it. It's not about you, mister.
AO: It used to be about you and it's not anymore. Get it?
SJ: This is a post-masculine town now. If you can't accept that, then you better head thataway.
(SHE SINGS) Round my door the leaves are falling
The wind blows clouds of dust
Couples walk by together
And I don't miss you much.
THREE (SING): O I quickly got over your blue eyes
Your fingers in my hair
Your hands that used to hold me
Frankly I don't care.
SW (SINGS): I don't wonder if you're happy
Or if you'll be in touch
It's been about a year now
And I don't miss you much.
THREE (SING): Oh I hated the smell of tobacco
The whiskey and the beer
The sounds you made while sleeping
I'm glad that you're not here.
TR: So you run the saloon now, huh?
SS: It's a saloon at night and a salon by day. We do hair and nails. Which you could use some of both, mister.
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
SW: Who's there???
FN (OFF): Who do you think is here? Me!!!!!! (CRUNCH OF WOOD) Big Messer here!!! I'm the man who rassled a grizzly to a draw and danced with a mountain lion and rode a tornado for fifty miles and didn't get nary a scratch. I live on a diet of tarantulas and fruit bats and vultures and I am the master of thermodynamics. Energy is constant in the universe. It can change form but it never goes away. And neither will I - what are those?
SS: Those are knitting needles, Big Messer.
FN: That's what I thought. What you going to do with them?
SS: Gonna teach you to knit a sweater.
FN: Me??? Knit??? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
SW: Either you learn to knit a sweater or we are going to plunge these knitting needles into your eyeballs and twang them until you're seeing quadruple.
FN: But I don't know how to knit.
SJ: You will when we're done with you.
FN: Could I have a glass of whiskey first?
AO: Whiskey and knitting don't go together, but we do have a Chardonnay with floral overtones of marigolds and saffron and a big bouquet and a long rustic finish.
FN: Okay.
SS: Here---- Take your ball of yarn like this and tie a slip knot and that's your first stitch. You just slip the loop around the needle and then you put this in through here, like this, and off you go.
FN: What you looking at?
TR: Never saw you with a ball of yarn before, Messer.
FN: Well, just look somewhere else. .......
SW: Knitting can give you a chance to make new friendships on some basis other than sheer force, Messer. And if you make a mistake ---- (SHE HAWKS AND SPITS) ---- just rip it out and start over. (DISTANT DING)
FN: Did she just spit and hit that bucket way over there in the corner?
TR: I believe she did.
SS: Don't stop knitting, Messer. Keep going. (MUSIC UNDER) And if you'll excuse us, gentlemen, we gotta show tonight, a benefit for our next tour ---- I'm With Him is heading to Mexico. Ladies-----
SW (SINGS):
I hear that train a coming
A coming round the bend
I hope it isn't stopping
To unload any more men.
SJ (SINGS):
We live in Rounded Corners
In perfect harmony
I hear the whistle blowing
And that's what bothers me.
AO (SINGS):
We own the Silver Slipper
We serve Pinot Noirs
Tossed salads and grilled salmon
And sing and play guitars
THREE (SING):
We want to earn some money
Cause winter's coming soon
And by the third week of November
We're moving to Cancun.
(THREE-PART YODEL)
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys...brought to you by Durango Drawers.