(BIG ROMANTIC PIANO THEME)

TR: And now----- Majestic Toenail Polish, the polish that contains diamond dust ---- brings you PRINCESS PERSONALS. Even when a woman appears to have everything a woman could want, still there is something missing. Something she cannot live without. (MUSIC FADES)

AO: I am a mermaid who is trying to deal with trans-specie issues and with society's revulsion at any person with scaly skin. Because I felt oppressed by mammal supremacy, I obtained a magic potion from a witch to turn my tail into two legs so I could walk on solid ground --- like a so-called "normal" person ---- and meet a prince but it didn't work out, it was terribly painful, and my heart was broken, but I still want a relationship. I have a lot to offer. I would like to meet someone who can accept me as I am and live near or in a large body of water.

[CONTINUED NEXT PAGE]

AO:

(SHE SINGS) It's very hard to be a mermaid

And live a life right out of storybooks.

And one day you see an elegant prince

And fall in love with his drop-dead good looks.

And the fine clothes and all those servants

To attend to your every wish.

And you want to dance the foxtrot with him

But you are not a fox, you are half-fish.

And even if he holds your hand,

It hurts a lot to walk on land.

Somewhere there must be someone for me

Who would like to live under the sea.

San Diego or the coast of Maine,

Where I won't feel this pain.

(PIANO BRIDGE)

SW: ME: Beautiful, passionate, adventurous, feeling trapped by two evil stepsisters who envy my beauty and have made me their scrubwoman and personal servant. YOU: handsome, wealthy prince looking for a princess who can dance and sing and also do household chores if necessary. Have fairy godmother and can travel but only for short period of time. Generous men with good taste in jewelry go to the front of the line.

(SHE SINGS) : I am looking for my prince

Don't care about age or religion.

I just want him to love me

And get me out of the kitchen.

My fairy godmother is prepared

To use her magical forces

And turn a pumpkin into a coach

And six rats into horses.

So here I am, I'm slim and tall,

And my glass slipper is Extra Small. (DING)

(PIANO BRIDGE)

SJ: I have lips red as blood and hair as black as ebony and skin as white as snow, and so my mother, who was a queen, called me Snow White, and then, alas, she died and Dad married an evil woman who envied my beauty and she banished me to the woods where I was taken in by seven very small men who adore me but were unable to protect me from her and that's how come I ate the poisoned apple so here I am lying in a glass coffin as if I were dead and I do emphasize the as if because, DUH, I am not, all I need is a good man to shake things up and I'll cough up the apple and marry you. Don't make me wait too long.

(SHE SINGS) I want to meet my prince

Which doesn't happen often,

To meet a man who's turned on

By a woman lying in a coffin.

I do have beautiful white skin

So perhaps his heart will soften

And I have all these allergies

And I'll start sneezing and coughing

And cough that poisoned apple core

And we'll live happily evermore.

TR: PRINCESS PERSONALS.....brought to you by Majestic Toenail Polish.....for women who have everything except the one thing they really really want.

ALL THREE (CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN)

I am a princess

That's what I know

Beautiful and charming

Pure as driven snow

I sit here hoping

He will appear

Kneel down before me

Whisper in my ear.

Admire my beauty

And my fine clothes

And as he grovels

Notice my toes.

And if he is boring

And has a low I.Q.

I still have great toenails

Sparkling like dew.

Yodeladi yodeladi

Hoo.