SS: The Lives of the Cowboys.brought to you by Durango Brand Inflatable Doughnuts for the Saddle. And now, The Lives of the Cowboys.

(HORSES' HOOVES)

GK: Well, here we are in the town of Hazardous Pass, Dusty. I am feeling a little wary due to what happened the last time we came through.

TR: I remember it well.

GK: I'm sure you do.

TR: I think a lot of people who saw it figured you were drunk.

GK: Which I wasn't. Not even slightly. I fell asleep in the saddle.

TR: Never saw that happen to a cowboy before.

GK: Never happened to me before. Fell asleep and toppled off my horse.

TR: It sort of looked like a heart attack.

GK: One could only wish. All I remember is that I picked myself up off the dust and the manure and people were howling with laughter.

TR: Well, it was pretty funny.

GK: I guess I didn't see the humor.

TR: It was how you tried to pretend that nothing had happened. That's what they were laughing at.

GK: Well, nothing did happen. I just fell off my horse.

TR: Well, put it out of your mind and let's go in the saloon. There it is. The Belt Buckle Saloon. Whoa. Whoa. (HORSES WHINNY, STOP, CHUFFING) I tell you, there's nothing so welcoming as a friendly saloon. You walk in the door, you've got a dozen pals waiting for you. You can cuss and whoop and belch and scratch yourself with impunity.

GK: You like that word "impunity," don't you.

TR: Without fear of consequences. Impunity. Let's go in.

(DOOR OPEN) (FOOTSTEPS) (PIANO CAMPTOWN RACES) (CROWD MURMURS, GLASSWARE)

TR: There they are, all the old roughnecks and barflies. And Lulu and Sadie over in the corner. What can I get you, pardner?

GK: Sarsaparilla for me.

TR: Don't care for a shot of whiskey to open up the epiglottis?

GK: No, thanks. Say, piano man.

RD: Yeah?

GK: You know some other song other than "Camptown Races" --- every time I come in here, it's doo-dah, doo-dah ----

RD: Is that what I was playing?

GK: It's what you're always playing.

RD: I thought I was playing "Moon River".

GK: Play something else.

RD: Like what??

GK: Chopin.

RD: Okay. Chopin coming right up. (CHOPINESQUE CAMPTOWN RACES)

(FOOTSTEPS PROCEED AND STOP)

GK: Oh hi, Sheriff----

DR: Hi, Lefty. You okay?

GK: Yeah, of course I'm okay.

DR: Good. Glad to hear it.

GK: Why do you ask?

DR: Just asking. You don't have any more of those dizzy spells then?

GK: I don't know what you're talking about. Excuse me---- Hey Shorty.

FN: Hi there. Good to see you again. How you been?

GK: Fine. How's with you?

FN: Couldn't be better. (PAUSE) Somebody said you'd gone off to rehab or something.

GK: No. Where'd you hear that?

FN: Somebody said.

GK: Rehab?

FN: That's what they said. You sure you're okay? You look sort of peaked.

GK: You know, it gets so somebody hardly dares fall off his horse anymore. I had no idea it was going to become a crisis. Lulu-----

SS: Yeah?

GK: Give me a shot of rum with the sarsaparilla, okay?

SS: How're you doing, Lefty?

GK: I'm going fine. Why do you ask?

HM: Lefty, I'm Marilyn, I'm with the Hazardous Pass Department of Human Resources ----

GK: I didn't know there was one.

SS: Marilyn's the town social worker.

GK: Since when?

HM: I just need to ask a few questions so we can assess your needs, if you're all right with that. Are you experiencing frequent periods of sadness?

GK: Pretty much all the time and especially in the past couple of minutes.

HM: Do you ever feel lonely?

GK: Constantly. Especially right now.

SS: Are you currently on any medications, Lefty?

GK: A little beer now and then, otherwise no.

HM: Have you ever received counseling in the past?

GK: A good deal of it. That's why I leave town.

SS: Do you or have you ever had hallucinations?

GK: Having one right now.

SS: But do you hear voices or see things that others do not see?

GK: That, too.

SS: Have people close to you noticed a change in your behavior in the last 30 days?

GK: Hey Dusty---- have you noticed a change in my behavior in the last 30 days?

TR: You seem more cautious. Sort of wary---- and trepidatious today. In the past half-hour, I'd say. Almost kind of fearful.

HM: Do you frequently feel fearful?

TR: Fear is not in a cowboy's vocabulary, ma'am. Sometimes we experience sheer terror, but not fear.

HM: Do you use alcohol?

TR: "Do I use alcohol?" HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. (CHORTLES. CHOKES. COUGHS. LAUGHS WEAKLY)

HM: How many drinks, on average, does he consume per week?

GK: Every single one that's within reach.

HM: Do you use any illegal drugs?

GK: Out on the trail, ma'am, illegality is a pretty loose idea.

SS: Do you often feel angry or irritable?

TR: Pretty regularly, I'd say.

SS: Have you lost friends because of your anger problem?

TR: Shot a couple of them and that pretty much ended the friendship.

HM: Do you have trouble managing money?

TR: What money you talking about?

HM: Do you have trouble sleeping?

TR: You ever sleep on the ground?

HM: No.

TR: Yes.

SS: Do you plan to harm yourself or anyone else?

TR: That all depends. Ask me in an hour.

GK: How about the sarsaparilla I was asking about, Lulu?

SS: I'll get it in just a minute. Marilyn just has a few more questions for you.

GK: This is all on account of my falling off my horse last summer, isn't it.

HM: Is that what you feel this is about?

GK: Yes, that's what I just said.

HM: You feel that our concern is due to your falling off your horse?

GK: I honestly do.

HM: And how does that make you feel right now?

GK: Thirsty.

HM: Have you fallen off your horse since last summer?

GK: No.

HM: Have you felt that you were in danger of falling off your horse?

GK: Hey, Piano Man. That Chopin is sounding a lot like Camptown Races if you ask me.

RD: I thought I was playing "Moon River"----

GK: I don't think so. Lulu, give me a quarter, I want to play something on the jukebox.

HM: Do these questions make you uneasy, Lefty?

GK: They do.

HM: Why do you think you feel uneasy?

GK: I'm not a social worker. If I were, I'd know.

HM: What other feelings are you experiencing right now?

GK: Anticipation. (COIN IN JUKEBOX) B-14. (TWO CLUNKS OF BUTTONS) Ruth Etting. Great singer. (NEEDLE ON 78)

(MUSIC: PIANO, VIOLIN)

HM (ON RECORD):

Oh listen, sister

I love my mister man and I can't tell you why

Dere ain't no reason why I should love dat man

It must be sumpin' dat de angels done plan

Fish got to swim and birds got to fly

I got to love one man till I die

Can't help lovin' that man of mine

(FADES)

Tell me he's lazy

Tell me he's slow

Tell me I'm crazy, maybe, I know

Can't help lovin' that man of mine

DR: So you boys heading back out?

TR: Apparently so.

FN: You ever get tired of it?

GK: All the time.

DR: So why not settle down?

GK: Because he and I don't get along.

TR: Him and me, if we settled down, we'd just kill each other.

FN: So find someone else.

GK: Well, who?

FN: Let me think about it.

GK: You do that. (HORSE WHINNY) You take care now.

DR: Let me help you up on that horse----

GK: You touch me, Sheriff, and I'm going to hit you so hard it'll be Tuesday.

DR: Okay, okay. Never mind.

FN: You okay, Lefty?

GK: Never better. Let's ride.

(GIDDYUPS, WHINNY, HORSES TROT)

SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS brought to you by Santa Barbara Seat Belts for the saddle.