SS (MOM): Hello, it's me. Thank you so much for calling. Leave a message and remember----- (SHE SINGS) All you need is love. All you need is love. All you need is love, Love is all you need. (BEEP)

GK: Hi, Mom, it's Duane. Just calling to check in. Haven't talked to you in a while, so I thought I'd ---- (CLICK)

SS (MOM): Duane???? Hello?

GK: Hello.

SS: Sorry, I was in the biffy and it took me a minute to pull my pants up.

GK: I'll call you back, Mom.

SS: No, no, no, no, no----- I'm so glad you called. How are you? I haven't heard from you in so long. Thirty-seven days, Duane. Thirty-seven.

GK: I know. I'm sorry.

SS: Thirty-seven days I've been staring at the phone. I couldn't go outdoors. I slept on the couch so I could get to it quickly if it rang. It didn't ring.

GK: Mom, I gave you a cordless phone. Remember?

SS: Anyway. Anyway. Anyway. How are you?

GK: I'm fine.

SS: "I'm fine"??? After thirty-seven days, that's all I get???? "I'm fine"?

GK: Well, I am.

SS: Tell me more.

GK: Nothing more.

SS: Were you travelling with somebody?

GK: No.

SS: You were home the whole time?

GK: Pretty much.

SS: I drove by your house and your car wasn't there.

GK: Well, I was working.

SS: Working at what?

GK: At the Fair.

SS: Which Fair?

GK: State Fair.

SS: For thirty-seven days?

GK: Well, I was doing maintenance.

SS: You're a janitor now? My son the author is washing floors?

GK: Some of that. Hosing out barns.

SS: Oh. Livestock barns.

GK: Yeah.

SS: Why?

GK: It's a job.

SS: Are you depressed?

GK: No.

SS: You don't sound happy.

GK: I'm fine.

SS: I met a wonderful young woman at my hairdresser's who I thought would be perfect for you. I have her phone number.

GK: Well, actually I have a girlfriend.

SS: Since when?

GK: Met her at work.

SS: She works in barns?

GK: She raises pigs.

SS: I see.

GK: She's very nice.

SS: Older heavy-set woman with thunder thighs? Chain-smoker?

GK: No.

SS: Listen. I have to take some deep breaths. Talk to your dad. Here he is. Hank!!! Come get the phone! It's Duane. Where are your pants? (MUMBLES) Well you had them on this morning. Oh for cripes sake.


TR: Hello.

GK: Hi Dad.

TR: How's it going then?

GK: Okay. What's up?

TR: Oh, not much.

GK: Okay.


TR: Went out to eat at a Spanish restaurant.

GK: Uh huh. How'd you like it?

TR: It was different.

GK: How so?

TR: Oh, you know. Spanish.

GK: Food was good.

TR: Kind of pricey. But it wasn't bad.

GK: Well, okay, Dad. Sounds good.

TR: Yep.. Okay, here's your mother. (OFF) Here you talk to him.

SS: Duane are you there?

GK: Right here, Mom.

SS: You know, all I want is good things for you, Duane. And I don't mean to judge this friend of yours, but if you're hooked up with a pig farmer, Duane, you are opening the door to a world of pain. And I can't bear to see you go there, Duane. So I'll just get me a one-way ticket on a cruise ship somewhere and late one night I'll go out on the deck and I'll put all the shuffleboard discs into a duffel bag and I'll hang it around my neck and--- I'll climb up on the rail-----

GK: Mom---- please.

SS: And you won't have to worry about the expense of a funeral. (SHE WEEPS) Buried at sea, where I belong. (WEEPING) Let the sharks feast on me. (SOBBING)

GK: Mom? ---- Mom?

SS: What?

GK: Shoshana is right here if you want to talk to her.

SS: I don't think so, Duane.

CD: Hello? Is this Duane's mom? Hello? It's Shoshana.

SS: Hello.

CD: Duane has told me so much about you.

SS: He has?

CD: Are you really his mother? You sound so young.

SS: (PAUSE) Oh sweetheart.

CD: Did you know he's working on a novel and you're in it?

SS: I am?

CD: I love your character---- she is so funny----

SS: Funny in what way?

CD: Witty. So warm and wise and witty.

SS: Oh.

CD: I love the scene where you say, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."

SS: I said that?

CD: Yes. And a minute later you said, "I was not an attractive girl but I was memorable." I hope I get to meet you one of these days.

SS: So you raise pigs huh?

CD: Free-range hybrid pigs. Very lean. Did you know that pigs now have 30% less fat than they did twenty years ago?

SS: I wasn't aware of that, sweetheart.

CD: Well, it's true. And they're very intelligent. They can count, and they understand that actions have consequences.

SS: I've been trying to teach Duane that for years.

CD: Speaking of Duane, here he is----- see you soon, I hope!

GK: Hello?

SS: I've got one question, Duane. Have you set a date for the wedding?

GK: Listen. I've got to run, Mom. My coffee break is over. Okay? Sorry.

SS: Okay. Call me----

GK: Okay mom, see you soon.

SS: Okay honey, what's her name? Shoshana?

GK: Yes, mom.

SS: How are her ovaries? Have you asked?

GK: Love you mom, bye.