RING 3X
GK: Hello?
SS: Hello, Duane -- it's your mother. Happy Fourth of July!
GK: Thank you.
SS: So what are you doing for the holiday then? You got big plans? People coming over for a party? You going out to see the fireworks?
GK: No big plans, Mom.
SS: What happened with you and that Priscilla you were head over heels about?
GK: Pamela. She's a friend, Mom.
SS: She's a friend....
GK: Yes.
SS: A friend. Two months you talked about her like she was the cure for cancer.
GK: She's a good friend.
SS: So you're not----
GK: No, we're not.
SS: So you never-----
GK: No. Never.
SS: Okay, and what about the girl I gave you her phone number whose aunt is a friend of the woman who does my hair? Did you give her a call?
GK: I did, Mom.
SS: And? Lightning didn't strike? The room didn't revolve? No bright colored lights?
GK: Mom, she's very nice. But she's very serious. I mean, she went to Macalester.
SS: Oh. I didn't know that.
GK: Yeah. So she talked a lot about---- you know-----
SS: Things she's involved in.
GK: Right. Working with refugees.
SS: Uh huh.
GK: Literacy. Gender issues.
SS: Oh? What issues?
GK: Gender theory.
SS: Hers or other people's?
GK: Theory. Plus alternative energy. Sustainable agriculture. Triathlon. Non-GMO pet food.
SS: Huh. When does she sleep?
GK: She's going to spend next year in Madagascar, rock climbing and learning Madagasque.
SS: Why?
GK: She's a learner, Mom. Learning as a lifetime process.
SS: But she's 46 years old.....
GK: Forty-five. But she's a Macalester grad.
SS: So she could learn about you. Did she ask you anything at all about yourself?
GK: She did and I felt I had to explain why I've done so little with my life and I told her a bunch of lies.
SS: You told her you had that Guilt-Bahrain syndrome?
GK: No.
SS: That you were married?
GK: No.
SS: That you were gay and married?
GK: No. I told her that I was still grieving for my parents who died in a car crash and I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life.
SS: Uh huh. (PAUSE) How bad a car crash? (PAUSE) A flaming car crash? (PAUSE) Did we go off a cliff?
GK: I'm sorry. It was the only thing I could think of.
SS: All you could think of was the violent death of your parents?
GK: I had to come up with a story, why I am accomplishing nothing ---- so I thought ----- you know----- the shock of losing you------
SS: So did she pour out her sympathy on you.
GK: No. She started talking about auto safety standards and how common seatbelt malfunctions are. And she's writing a book about grief.
SS: What about it?
GK: Her cats died.
SS: Okay. Well, anyway, we're both alive, thank goodness, and we're going to have a nice Fourth of July picnic if you care to come over.
GK: Well, let me see what I'm up to.
SS: Your dad is grilling hot dogs and hamburgers and he bought a six-pack of that beer you like. What is it? Angry beer? Moody?
GK: Well, let me see if I can.
SS: I invited someone I thought you'd like to meet.
GK: I was afraid of that.
SS: She graduated from Macalester but she was on the women's rugby team.
GK: Oh?
SS: She's from North Dakota. She majored in Caucasian Studies.
GK: I don't know, Mom. I'm sort of taking a vacation from romance. Is Dad there?
SS: You want to talk to your father?
GK: Please.
SS: (CALLING) Hank! It's Duane and believe it or not he wants to talk to you. (TR MUMBLES)
TR: Hello?
GK: Hi, Dad.
TR: Hi . . . son.
GK: So how's it going?
TR: Oh, fine. You?
GK: Not bad.
TR: . . .Nice day, huh?
GK: Yeah. What you up to?
TR: Not much.
GK: Yeah.
TR: Nice weather. Or did I already mention that?
GK: You did.
TR: Sorry.
GK: No problem. It is.
TR: Is what?
GK: Nice day
TR: Yeah. Well, I imagine you're busy. I should let you go.
GK: Okay.
TR: Well, good talking to you . . . .
GK: You too, dad.
SS: (OFF) Already? (TR MUMBLE) Duane? You still there?
GK: I'm here, Mom.
SS: Okay. So anyway---- I get it. I get it that you don't want to meet this Sharon. Who is, by the way, a beautiful person. But you don't seem to be attracted to that type ----- you like the needy ones who blame you for not loving them just because they're angry ----- that's your type, Duane. The punitive girlfriend. And I get it. So I am going to put this hamburger patty back in the freezer that I was saving for you, and I will simply not think about the idea of grandchildren any longer ---- I will adopt one of those little South American children you see in the ads ---- $50 a month and they write to you and everything ---- I'll pay that child $100 a month to write "Dear Grandma" ---- (WEEPY) That's all I want, Duane. I just want someone to call me Grandma. Did you know I have a doll at home? You pull a string, it says "I wov you, Nana." That's what it says. (SOBS)
GK: OKAY, Mom. I'll be there on Saturday. Okay? I'll be there and I'll eat that hamburger and I'll be nice to Rashelle.
SS: Sharon. Her name is Sharon.
GK: I'll be nice and we'll have a good time.
SS: She really likes fireworks, Duane.
GK: I'll bring some fireworks.
SS: She loves rockets. She told me.
GK: Okay, I'll bring rockets.
SS: Let her light your rocket, Duane.
GK: We'll see, Mom. We'll see.
SS: Okay. Thanks. See you Saturday.
GK: See you.
SS: Bye now.
GK: Alright, Mom.
SS: Ok, Dwyane honey love you!
GK: Bye.
SS: Bye, now!