GK: This weekend is Father's Day and on behalf of American dads, I just want to say this. We don't need a gift from you kids, just having you is gift enough for us. (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC BUILDS) Mother's Day is the big day, and that's as it should be. Mom was the one who gave you life. She was always there for you. Dad was the old embarrassing guy you didn't want your friends to meet. The guy who worked hard at a job he hated to put food on the table and send you to summer camp and pay for your braces so that when you bit him, it made a nice even half-circle in his skin. The guy who's loved you all these years without ever being able to say it. The guy who gets teary-eyed just thinking about you. We don't need a gift for Father's Day. We just need ---- someone to care about us.
SS: How about a billfold? Yours is all ripped where the dog chewed it.
GK: Don't need a new one.
SS: How about a new cologne? Yours smells like the air freshener they spray in gas station toilets.
GK: Don't need a new cologne.
SS: How about a turntable for your LPs? You never got the hang of digital and I'll bet you'd enjoy listening to your Simon and Garfunkel records.
GK: Don't need it.
SS: How about a nice shirt? Yours have a lot of food stains on them. They have shops that cater to guys your size.
GK: No, thanks.
SS: Well, actually, I got you a present already. I know you won't like it, but I got it anyway because ---- well, because I love you. Here. Happy Father's Day.
GK: It's a book.
(TEARING OF WRAPPING PAPER)
GK: Aha. Gender Consciousness in Women's Struggle Against Paternalist Hegemony. Interesting.
SS: It's a book that changed my life. If you want to get me, you have to read that book.
GK: I'll put it on the bedside table, read it tonight when I get home from work.
SS: You're working today? It's Father's Day weekend.
GK: I took an extra job as an oarsman on a galley ship. It's good exercise. And it pays.
SS: You always liked being part of a team, didn't you. And do they chain you to the oars?
GK: They do.
SS: That's probably good for someone like you with ADHD.
GK: It gives me a sense of security.
SS: And does the overseer yell at you and whip you?
GK: It's a soft whip. It doesn't really sting.
SS: It probably helps you focus.
GK: It does.
SS: Well, good talking to you, Dad. I'm going away for the weekend. Where's Mom?
GK: She's going water-skiing.
SS: But we don't have a boat.
GK: She and her friends are renting the boat I'm working as an oarsman on.
SS: Oh. Cool. Okay. Bye.