(THEME)
GK: He's smooth and he's cool, and quick with a gun,
A master in the boudoir.
A guy in a trenchcoat who gets the job done,
That's me.....Guy Noir.
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was June and I was in Seattle working on some missing persons cases. Traffic in Seattle is sort of like Cairo and Mumbai combined and every month a couple dozen people simply abandon their vehicles on the freeway and leave and it was my job to track them down. I found one of them in eastern Oregon.
(SHEEP HERD)
TR: I was a vice-president at Starbucks and it took me an hour to drive four miles and one day I just walked away from it and I've been happy ever since.
GK: Up here herding sheep?
TR: I wrote a poem about it, called "Serenity".
GK: I don't want to hear it.
TR: It's not long.
GK: You owe the city of Seattle three hundred bucks for towing and storage.
TR: Tell them they can keep the car.
GK: Just sign right here, sir. (STING) I found another in a lighthouse on a small island about ten miles off the coast.
(SURF)
SS: I loved Seattle, everything about it, and then I couldn't afford the rent and I had to move up just north of (FOGHORN BLAST) such a godsend out here --- I love this island I can see whales and ships and the air is (FOGHORN BLAST) Walden by Henry Thoreau so I'm writing a lot and my cellphone ran out of power and you know? I don't care. I just don't need anything other than (FOGHORN BLAST) two thousand a month and free room and board and I don't know that I'll ever go back. Never.
GK: But what about the (FOGHORN BLAST) ----- bother you even more?
SS: What are you talking about?
GK: Talking about the foghorn.
SS: What about the (FOGHORN BLAST) (STING)
GK: And one refugee I found in a cave on Bainbridge Island.
DR: I went to work at Mastodon as the manager of -----.
GK: Mastodon?
DR: It's the online retail store.
GK: Like Amazon?
DR: Bigger. Much bigger.
GK: Why have I never heard of it?
DR: Because they don't want you to know.
GK: Oh. So they sell books, CDs?
DR: Sell everything. I was the manager of the mortuary division.
GK: Mastodon offers mortuary services online?
DR: You drag the body out to the curb, UPS picks it up and two days later you get an urn. I grew that division to where it was grossing a half-billion a year and then ---- one day I was riding my bike and I hit the curb and fell and hit my head and lay there and I was awakened by the roar of a furnace and I was on a conveyor belt, heading for it. A close call. So I came up here. (BRIDGE)
GK: Mastodon was booming, for sure. As was Amazon and Genghis Khan and other online retailers. People had no time to go shopping because they were too busy texting.
(TEXT PAD WRITING)
TR: Hey. What's up?
SS: Not much. You?
TR: Just sitting here.
SS: Where are you?
TR: Across the table from you.
SS: Oh. Right. Did you get a haircut?
TR: No.
SS: Oh. But you look different.
TR: Well, I dyed my hair blue.
SS: Oh. Okay.
TR: Where you going?
SS: To the bathroom.
TR: Okay. Later.
SS: Later. (BRIDGE)
GK: It was fun in Seattle. Sunny skies and people were upbeat. Rents were expensive so some people had to live on hillsides in refrigerator cartons, but on the other hand it was a beautiful time to be rich. At the Redmond Polo Club, high-tech execs (HORSES HOOVES, BRIT CRIES) played matches on weekends while their wives sipped cocktails on the veranda and knitted bed shawls for orphans (BRIT WOMEN MURMURS), and it was there that I met Kimberly Wazoo.
SS: Excuse me---- you're a private eye, aren't you.
GK: That's right. And you're an extremely wealthy woman.
SS: So you follow people around and find out bad stuff about them, right?
GK: Sometimes.
SS: Well, I've just done something very very bad and I need your help.
GK: It'd be my pleasure, ma'am. The name is Noir. Guy Noir.
SS: My name is Wazoo. Kimberly Wazoo. My husband is Upton Wazoo.
GK: The name is familiar.
SS: He's the CEO of Mastodon.
GK: The online retailer.
SS: Yes. The very one.
GK: So how can I help?
SS: Would you mind if we discussed this over lunch? (BRIDGE)
GK: So she took me to a little restaurant in Woodinville called Seattle Atelier where the decor was sort of frontier French and we sat in the back corner.....
FN: (SEATTLE, WAITER) Hey guys, I'm Brad. Welcome to Seattle Atelier. Would you like glacier water or snowcap water?
GK: Glacier.
SS: Snowcap.
FN: Excellent. And how about ambient sound ---- waterfall or white whales?
GK: How about silence?
FN: Hushed silence or snowflakes on pine boughs?
GK: Hushed.
FN: Very good. Our wine special today is a Chardon Hey-Okay.
And while you think about that, here's a fiddle head fern sorbet to clear the palate, ok? Enjoy. I'll be right back with your salmon flights.
(FOOTSTEPS)
GK: So ---- tell me about your problem, Mrs. Wazoo?
(WHALE SOUNDS)
SS: Oh, I'm afraid he didn't hear you. You asked for silence, and he thought you said whales.
GK: Anyway, tell me what I can do for you?
SS: My husband, Mr. Noir, is a huge fan of the sculptor Alberto Giacometti. He's crazy about him. Talks about him all the time.
GK: The sculptor who made those extremely skinny figures.
SS: Right. So when I saw there was an art auction and a Giacometti was up, I called in and made a bid.
GK: I see.
(FOOTSTEPS)
FN: Hey guys, here's your salmon tastings ---- organized by river. First: alder-smoked salmon from the Lewis River which will have a nose of pear, bursting with a buttery abundance and a subtle upstream ferocity with fruit forward.
SS: Excellent.
FN: Next from the Icicle River, salmon with a smokey oak palate with shadows of amber and musk.
SS: Beautiful.
FN: And finally a White Wild King Salmon from the Cowlitz River caught by a fly fisherman so it has a bouquet of beer and a long finish of bourbon
SS: Just perfect.
GK: So the Giacometti----
SS: Right. I bid on the statue and the bidding went really really fast and I just kept saying yes because I knew how much Upton would love it and ---- anyway, I wound up high bidder.
GK: Congratulations.
SS: At $169 million dollars.
GK: Some sculpture.
SS: This sculpture right here. (BOINK)
GK: I'm not sure you should be walking around in public with a sculpture worth $169 million, ma'am.
SS: That's just it.
GK: What?
SS: It turns out it's not a Giacometti.
GK: Oh?
SS: It's from the Serengeti.
GK: Africa.
SS: It's by a farmer named Amos Mobutu.
GK: You've made him a very very happy man.
SS: And his wife. They're in the midst of a divorce.
GK: So they've cashed the check.
SS: Yes. It was a wire transfer and it went through and now the money's gone.
GK: And the sculpture?
SS: It's worth about $50.
GK: Well, your husband is a multi-billionaire.
SS: So I thought.
GK: You thought?
SS: The bank called.
GK: And?
SS: We are heaviy heavily leveraged, you might say.
GK: And?
SS: A hundred and sixty nine million has thrown us into the red zone.
GK: You can't borrow?
SS: No way.
GK: You can sell stock.
SS: It's all tied up as collateral.
GK: So what do you want me to do?
SS: I want you to tell my husband.
(FOOTSTEPS)
FN: So, guys----- how was the salmon flight? You ready for some caffeination?
GK: No, thanks. I've got to run.
FN: Ma'am?
SS: Yes.
FN: The credit card you gave me was declined. Might you have another?
SS: Mr. Noir?
GK: How much is it, sir?
FN: Six-hundred and forty-six and 79 cents.
GK: Okay. (BRIDGE)
GK: She gave me her cellphone with a GPS that could track Mr. Wazoo's car so I found him rather quickly. He was in a line of cars down by the waterfront waiting for the ferry to Bainbridge Island. (HONKS) He was the tenth in line and he was honking. (RAPPING ON WINDOW) Hey!!! You!!!
TR (MUFFLED): Yeah? What you want?
GK: Roll your window down.
TR: Go away. I don't give to panhandlers.
GK: What you honking for?
TR: Get your head out of my window------
GK: This isn't midtown Manhattan. This is Seattle.
TR: I honked----- what's the matter with that?
GK: There's a line here. The line isn't going to move any faster if you honk.
TR: What business is it of yours?
GK: These people are listening to public radio. KUOW. They're not interested in how loud your horn is.
TR: Who made you the politeness police???
GK: Stifle it. I have a message from Kimberley.
TR: What you talking about?
GK: You're broke, Mr. Wazoo. She bought a gift for you for $169 million and it's the straw that broke the camel's back. Your company is in receivership. You're bankrupt. Your plastic is cancelled. The gas and water have been turned off. And I see a man approaching who looks to me like he's from the bank.
DR: Wazoo?
TR: Yeah?
DR: Repo man. Hand over the keys to the car.
TR: What???? How am I going to get home?
DR: What home?
TR: Oh no. But my kids-----
DR: They're at your mother-in-law's.
TR: In Omaha?
DR: Right. Your father-in-law has a job waiting for you.
TR: In the butcher shop?
DR: You're gonna be making sausage, Wazoo.
TR: But I can't live in Omaha.
DR: It'll be a motivator for you. To pay off the three -hundred million you still owe us. Out of the car, Wazoo. I ain't got all day. (BRIDGE)
GK: One minute he was a kingpin and a job creator, and the next he was a sausage maker. Quite a comedown. I slipped him a fiver. Here, pal.And went and sat down by a fountain. (SFX, CHILDREN'S VOICES)
Little children splashing around, innocent kids, full of the joy of life, and I looked out at the Bay (GULLS, OFF) and I said to myself, I see trees of green, red roses too, I see them bloom for me and for you, and I think to myself, what a wonderful world, and I stood up and I guess one of the little children had tied my shoelaces together and I took a step and ----whoaaaaaaaaa (CRASH, CRY, GLASS BREAKAGE, CHILD SNICKERING). And landed on the sidewalk. There had been dogs around recently too. (SFX) It's a wonderful world but watch where you're going.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)