GK: Hi. Welcome to the Canandaigua Lakeside Cafe.
My name is Sid and I'll be your server today. Would you like bottled water or tap?
ND: Bottled. But you already asked us that.
GK: I did?
ND: You took our order twenty minutes ago,
GK: Oh.
ND: Salmon for me.
DD: Roast beef. Fries on the side.
CD: Salad nicoise.
GK: Sorry. This is my first day.
CD/ND (SING):
Hey waiter, hey waiter,
Where is my lunch,
You've disappeared,
I've got a hunch
Waiter, Waiter
I'm over here,
I ordered a bowl of soup.
DD/ND (SING):
Hey Waiter, Waiter,
Before I die
I'd like roast beef
Mustard on rye.
I have been waiting for several days
And please no mayonnaise.
DD:
Just roast beef,
Maybe with lettuce.
ND:
And maybe
Fries on the side.
DD/ND:
I wonder,
Why did you forget us
Would you notice if we had died?
THREE (SING):
Hey Waiter, Hey Waiter,
We're over here,
Looking for you,
Nursing a beer,
Are you around? Or maybe you've flown.
Should I call you,
On the phone
CD: I'm going to go find him. Wait here. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY, TABLE SFX & CONVERSATIONS IN PASSING....SS: How long have you been coming here....FADE. TR: Never been to Saratoga, what's it like FADE. FN (LADY): He's allergic to spruce trees, that's his problem. FADE. SS: The Prairie what? Never heard of it. FADE. TR: I hear the Pinot Grigio is a little on the dry side. ) (FOOTSTEPS)
CD: Hey. Sid.
GK: Yeah?
CD: You planning to come back or should we order take-out from Denny's?
GK: I'm still waiting to hear about the specials. They're kind of busy in the kitchen there.
CD: We ordered a roast beef sandwich, the broiled salmon, and the salad nicoise. Got that?
GK: Yeah.
CD: Go in and tell them you need it right away. Go. Now.
GK: Okay. (THREE FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SWINGS OPEN) (SOME LINE OVERLAPS) (BANGING AND CLANGING OF POTS & PANS) (BURSTS OF STEAM. FRYING)
TR (YELLING IN ITALIAN)
SS: AW SHUDDUP. DO YOUR JOB!
HM (LOW): SAUSAGE AND POTATOES!!!! SAUSAGE UP!!! MEAT LOAF!!! ASPARAGUS!!!
SS: HEY THAT ORDER WAS FOR BLACKENED MEATLOAF!!!
HM (LOW): OKAY, YA WANT IT BLACKENED, HERE.
(BURST OF FLAME)
TR (SHOUTING IN EGYPTIAN)
SS: WHERE'S MY SALAD NICOISE???
HM (LOW): I AIN'T SEEN NO SALAD NICOISE.
SS: I WROTE IT DOWN RIGHT THERE.
HM (LOW): THAT SAYS "SALAD NICOISE"???
SS: IT SAYS SALAD NICOISE.
HM (LOW): I THOUGHT IT SAID SAUTEED NOODLES.
SS: WE DON'T HAVE SAUTEED NOODLES.
HM (LOW): THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
TR (SHOUTING IN GERMAN)
HM (LOW): HEY!!! PEEL ME AN EGG, WOULDJA.
(DOOR SLAM, SILENCE)
(FOOTSTEPS)
CD:
Hey Waiter, Hey Waiter,
Don't let me starve
I'm feeling weak
Maybe I'll barf.
ND:
Here we are sitting,
Hope to be fed
What was it that we said?
CD/DD:
Dear Waiter,
Bring us our ham'n
Cheese on rye
And fries on the side.
And remember
She asked for salmon.
Broiled, please, and not fried.
GK: I'm so sorry this is taking so long. Just so you know, this is my first day on the job. I never thought I'd be waiting on table. I'm a writer.
CD: A WRITER!!!! YOU??? A WRITER??? HOW DID A WRITER BECOME A WAITER???
GK: I'm an essayist. I write essays about the environment and finding your place in the natural world and-----.
ND: WAITERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ACTORS. NOT WRITERS. ACTORS!!!
CD: DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO SHOUT? DO YOU?
GK: I think so.
ND: What?
GK: I said, I think so.
ND: I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
CD (HEROIC, ACTORLY): Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
And brace yourself to your duties, so that if we shall wait for a thousand years, we will still say, 'This was his finest hour".
GK: I'm not sure I can do that.
DD: WALK INTO THAT KITCHEN LIKE YOU ARE A CRAZY PERSON-----
CD: LIKE THIS----- (DERANGED BABBLE)
DD: THROW A FIT. YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THAT???
GK: I don't think so.
CD: You're not from here, are you.
GK: No.
DD: You're from out there, aren't you. Out on the flat part. Out there where the murmuring people live. The Jell-O people.
ND: The people who say Excuse me if they bump into you.
DD: The people in the plaid shirts.
CD: We thought you were depressed. But you're just Lutheran.
ND: Let us show you how this is done.
(MARCHING FOOTSTEPS FORWARD TWELVE STRIDES AND STOP)
CD: Ready?
ND/DD: Ready.
(DOOR SWINGS OPEN)
TR (YELLING IN ITALIAN) BANGING AND CLANGING
HM (LOW): TWO POACHED EGGS ON HASH. TWO SCRAMBLED ON A MUFFIN. PIG IN A BLANKET.
SS: WHERE'S MY TROUT?? I GOTTA BAKED TROUT AND HASH BROWNS. AND A SIDE SALAD.
HM (LOW): I'M DOIN THE BEST I CAN.
DIGIS: HEY!
(SILENCE)
HM: WHO ARE YOU??
ND: YOU SEE THIS SHOE?
HM: YEAH?
ND: I JUST WALKED THROUGH A BARNYARD AND IF YOU DON'T GET OUR ORDER READY NOW, I'M GONNA DROP IT IN THIS POT OF SOUP. YOU GET ME?
HM: YOU WOULDN'T DARE.
ND: I DARE.
DIGIS (SING):
Hey in the kitchen
Wake up or die
We're out of prison
Spit in your eye
So please fill the plate folks
Here on our lap
Fill it with whatever's ready now
Or we will beat the crap
Outta you and we'll break your knees
Bust your thumbs
We'll inflict such miseries
Cause you're a bunch of bums.
We're terrible desperate criminals
We're in a violent mood
So you'd better
Give us food.
HM (LOW): Well, why didn't you say so. Here. Chicken-fried steak. Baked potato. Salad nicoise. Broiled salmon on brown rice. And a bowl of chowder.
CD: Manhattan chowder?
HM (LOW): Are you kidding? What's that? New England chowder.
(DOOR CLOSE, BRIDGE)
ND: So how was your steak?
DD: Fabulous.
ND: The salmon was gorgeous.
CD: So was my salad.
DIGIS:
Hey Waiter, Hey Waiter,
Please bring our check.
We're in a rush
Got to get home.
Where did you go?
Are you writing a poem?
GK: Hi. I'm here. Sorry. I'll write up the check ---You want separate checks?
ND: Naw, we don't have time to wait. Here.
GK: I'll be right back with the change.
ND: No need for change.
GK: But that's way too much.
ND: Hey. We're in show business. We're loaded.
THREE (sing):
Waiter Boy, Waiter Boy,
Here is the dough
Here's some advice
Before we go.
You've got to learn to say what you want
When you are in a restaurant.