(MUSIC, "POMP & CIRCUMSTANCE", BIRD SOUNDS, CROWD AMBIENCE)
GK: The end of May and on college campuses from coast to coast, proud parents and jubilant students gather for festive commencement.....
CD: (WARBLY SOPRANO, to "POMP & CIRCUMSTANCE")
You are graduating
Good luck finding a job.
Those who majored in business
You'll go straight to the top,
And you who studied English,
Humanities and the arts,
You'll be in drive-up windows
Taking folks' credit cards.
(BIRDS)
GK: There you sit in bright sunlight as the commencement speaker gives his address -----
TR (W FN ECHOES): As I stand here before you today......((((
I cannot help but think back to when I too was in your place....((((
Little did I know at the time that I would go on to become....))))
President of the largest refinancing company in the country....))))
With total assets of more than fourteen billion dollars.....))))
GK: You drift off and now you are in an F-18 flying (SFX) high over the stadium and you have the speaker in your sights (RADIO SQUAWK) and you fire your Tomahawk missile (SFX) and the entire speakers stand goes up in flames (SFX) ----but you wake up and he's still there, talking.
TR: And so.....be true to yourself. Follow your dream. Find a wealthy man with a daughter who is single and 33 and on the heavy side....))))
GK: And finally he's done and the degrees are handed out to several thousand graduates.....
TR (P.A.): Anderson, Alan. Anderson, Alice. Anderson, Andrea. Anderson, Andrew. Anderson, Andrew B. Anderson, Andrew F. Anderson, Andrew Francis. Anderson, Andrew Frank. Anderson, Andrew Geoffrey. Anderson, Andrew, George.
GK: And people near you are drinking beer. (POP TOP) And the rumor passes down the line that your classmate Ginger Watson is going to drop her gown when she crosses the stage and stand there naked and spray herself with green paint, which will be her senior thesis in studio art. So you try to stay awake. Your cellphone rings. (SFX)
FN: Yeah?
TR: Duuuuude. Wassup.
FN: Hey. Where you?
TR: Sitting right behind you.
FN: Oh yeah. Hey.
TR: Hey, remember that time we got that trashbag of mac and cheese from behind the cafeteria and we filled the dean's jacuzzi with them and turned it on? That was awesome. Totally worth it. Good times, man. I'll miss you.
FN: Yeah. Later. (CLICK)
GK: The line of graduates continues across the platform.
TR: Marshall, Katherine. Marshall, Kendra. Marshall, Kenneth. Marshall, Kent. Marshall, Kent B. Marshall, Kent M.
(RING)
FN: Yeah?
SS: (FLEXNER) Mr. Woodward?
FN: Yes.
SS (FLEXNER): I see by our records that you still owe the library $133.75 in overdue fines. I am up here behind the platform and you will not receive your degree until this is paid up, Mr. Woodward. In cash. And if you try to flee, I will personally hunt you down like a wounded animal.
GK: So you pass the hat.
FN: C'mon, help me out. Gotta pay a library fine. --- Spare change? ---- Help me out. ---- Thanks.---- C'mon, dig deep.
GK: You're crawling down the line and you seem to have about twenty bucks. And a faculty marshal spots you----
TR (SHOUTS, IN GERMAN)---
GK: And you crawl under some seats and somebody's helper dog is there (SNARL) and you crawl faster and now campus security sees you and they send a drone (SFX) and its zeroing in on you as you crawl under the seats and the line is moving across the platform just ahead.....
TR: Wadley, Denis. Wagner, Jane. Wakefield, Frank. Walden, David. Wanamaker, Bill. Wasow, Mona. Watson, Gary. Watson, George. Watson, Ginger.
SS: WHOOPEEE!!!!!!!! (AUDIENCE GASP)
GK: And there is Ginger. Buck naked. With a spray can. (SPRAY SFX) And alarms go off. (SERIES OF ALARMS) And red flashing lights (SFX). And you grab your degree from the library lady. (SS LIBRARIAN: HEY!!!) And you run for cover. (RUNNING, CROWD IN PASSING: Stop that man. Grab him. Hey! Come back!) (BRIDGE)
GK: And you go to the graduation party. And they're all there. Your family with their meager cash gifts.
TR: (GRANDPA) When I was your age, we didn't expect to get something for nothing. No sir.
FN (LADY): So I understand you're going to live with your folks and study stand-up comedy, eh??
(TWO WOMEN TALKING PAST EACH OTHER)
CD: You know, Sophie graduated summa from Harvard, she's going to work for Google, vice-president, three hundred grand, plus you work at home in your pajamas.
SS: Bruce got a great offer from Intel and Google.
CD: She bought an apartment on Nob Hill.
SS: He also sold a novel to Knopf for two million.
CD: She's dating a wonderful guy. He's a Windsor. Tenth in line to the British throne.
SS: He may go to grad school or he may move to Costa Rica.
CD: Very sweet guy. And he owns about half of Scotland.
SS: He's fluent in Spanish, you know. And a wonderful chef.
(MUSIC COMES IN UNDER AND OVER THEM)
GK: You stand and pose for a picture.
TR (UNCLE): Smile! Smile, darn ya. Come on. Can you look like you're enjoying yourself? (PHOTO) One more. (CLICK) Get in there, Sylvia. (CLICK) (TIME LAPSE BRIDGE)
GK: And as you stand there, you feel your hair fall out. (NO!) Your stomach gets big. (SFX) Your back hurts. (GROAN) You look in a mirror. You're old.
FN: What??????????
GK: Who is this girl in the gown? ---- (SS: Hi dad.) ---- This girl holding the baby----- (CD: Smile at grandpa---- FN BABY CRY) ---- And you're standing at a lectern in front of a crowd of graduates.
FN (P.A.ECHOES): As I stand here before you today......))))
It seems like yesterday when I too sat in your place....))))
GK: Actually it seems like today. Like an hour ago.
FN: God?
SS: Yes? What is it, my child?
FN: I want to go back and live my life. Please. It went by too fast.
SS: I know. Remember that library fine?
FN: Oh my God.
SS: I'm right here. Remember the fine? A hundred thirty-three dollars and seventy-five cents.
FN: Oh my gosh. Do you take credit cards?
SS: No, my child.
FN: I left my cash at home. On the dresser.
SS: I know.
FN: Can I go home and get it?
SS: As soon as it's over.
FN: How soon will it be over?
TR (BASS VOICE, OF SLOW-SPEED TAPE): Anderson, Alan. Anderson, Alan A. Anderson, Alan Anton. Anderson, Alan Arthur. (MURMURS INTO BRIDGE)
GK: Congratulations to all of the Class of 2015.
CD/GK (WARBLY SOPRANO/BARITONE DUET):
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the ending of the year,
They are filing from the classrooms, they are looking for the beer.
They written all their papers, now they're starting a career.
Our kids are mowing lawns.
Glory, glory, halleluia
What's the story, what's it to ya
Goodbye, kids, we hardly knew ya
And now you're moving on.