TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye ---


GK: It was April and I was in New York, working on the case of three young sisters from Minnesota who had dropped out of Concordia College to come to New York and their wealthy soybean farmer parents were beside themselves.

SS (MN): They're so naive. So trusting. I'm worried sick what some city slicker might talk them into.

TR (MN): They've hardly ever been outside of Bemidji. They got no idea what the real world is like. None.


GK: At Concordia the sisters had sung in the Concordia choir.....


A mighty fortress is our God

A bulwark never shaken,

And so we listen to Catholics not

For they are quite mistaken.

GK: But they'd also been members of an underground Unitarian choir.


How pleasant thy meadows, thy forests how fair,

O spirit of love who is up there somewhere.

GK: And they had gone on to embrace a spiritual movement called Momentism, which believes in the primacy of impulse.


This is now and here today

But yesterday has gone away

And now I feel the urge to say,

Underpants bananas.

GK: And evidently on a sudden impulse, they'd taken off for New York, three Lutheran sisters from Bemidji loose in the Naked City, eight million stories in the city of New York, many of which you wouldn't want to be involved with personally. (BRIDGE)

As it so happened, I had to be in New York anyway to meet with former mayor Michael Bloomberg.

TR (BLOOM): A pleasure to see you as always, Mr. Noir.

GK: How is it, being a former mayor, Mr. Mayor?

TR (BLOOM): People love me now that I'm out of office. That happens in politics. You make people furious and they call you bad names and then once you're powerless they feel good about you again. Like you to meet a friend of mine visiting from Texas----

GK: Mr. President.

TR (BUSH): Heh heh heh heh heh heh. You recognized me, even with this fake moustache and wearing this outfit, huh?

GK: It says Weinberg's Kosher All-Beef Hot Dogs. Is that for real?

TR (BUSH): I love selling hot dogs. I missed really being anonymous, I tell you that. You sell hot dogs and there's no fanny kissing, no attitude, no big speech about something or other ---- just "you want onions with that? You want ketchup or mustard or relish? Want me to toast the bun?" I love that line. "Want me to toast your buns?" Heh heh heh heh heh. Couldn't say that back when I was the Leader of the Free World. No sir.

TR (BLOOM): He used to run around Times Square in a cowboy hat and his underwear, but we didn't think it was right so we gave him a peddler's license and a very nice corner on Sixth Avenue and he's happy----

TR (BUSH): You mean, Avenue of the Americas----

TR (BLOOM): Right. Sixth Avenue. But anyway----- Mr. Noir---- (BRIDGE)

GK: The mayor took me aside for a little hush hush.

TR (BLOOM): When I left office, Mr. Noir, I killed a program that could have shut this city down.

GK: What was that, sir?

TR (BLOOM): Surveillance cameras. The parking enforcement people wanted to put in cameras monitored by satellites to catch every single parking violation and assess a fine and deduct it automatically from your bank account. No more double parking.

GK: Double parking is the life blood of the city. It would be a disaster. Trucks couldn't deliver during the day. No UPS or FedEx. The diplomatic corps would be paralyzed. Strict law enforcement would kill New York. It'd be like cracking down on jaywalking.

TR (BLOOM): Exactly. Anyway, I killed this program, destroyed the hard drive but---- one disc is missing with the program on it.

GK: It's out there, huh?

TR (BLOOM): I need you to find it-----

GK: One CD in the city of New York. I'll do my best, Mr. Mayor. (BRIDGE) The Svendsen sisters weren't hard to find. Their faces were on a billboard in Times Square. They'd started out there in cat costumes, walking around panhandling and singing songs from Cats----



Turn your face to the moonlight

Let your memory lead you

Open up, enter in.

GK: And somebody from IT spotted them and soon they were on the radio, doing commercials.



You need upgraded memory

Sixteen gigabyte memory

Open up, get more RAM.

GK: They were young, beautiful, they sang in harmony, and they were in big demand for jingles.

DIGIs (SING) (to "Food Glorious Food"):

Jeans, comfortable jeans!

Inseam with a cushion!

Jeans where comfort means

Room to get your tush in.

Not fancy designer jeans

Made for some skinny lady.

Go to Feinstein's over in Queens --

And ask for Sadie!!!

GK: I found them in a recording studio down on West 44th Street, sitting in a little room, recording a commercial for Merrill Lynch.

SS (PRODUCER): Okay, girls, I liked the warmth in that last take but I need even more ---- the client feels that they have been perceived as very wealthy and aloof and they want this to register as down to earth and warm and empathetic, okay?

NADIA: Okay. Got it.



You're my beacon, you're my anchor,

You're my investment banker----

You walked in, it was a cinch,

I would go with Merrill Lynch.

SS (AFTER "WALKED IN"): Cut! Cut! ---- Listen. I need more warmth on that line "investment banker" ---- okay?

NADIA: More warmth.

SS: Make it sensual. Think about something you're passionate about.

NADIA: Okay. Like what?

SS: Think about your boyfriend.

DANIELA: Naw, doesn't work for me.

SS: Think about food.

DANIELA: Now you're talking.

SS: Think about barbecue.

NADIA: Naw. Too messy. And the meat is burnt.

CHRISTINE: Think about ravioli.

DANIELA: Oh wow.

CHRISTINE: Ravioli stuffed with ricotta.

NADIA: In a Genovese sauce. With mushrooms.

SS: Okay. Take thirteen. Merrill Lynch.


You are sacred, you are holy

You're a bowl of ravioli----

And you know you drive me crazy,

Especially your Genovese.


GK: You got a minute?

NADIA: Yeah?

GK: You the Svendson sisters from Bemidji?

NADIA: We used to be, yeah.

GK: From the Concordia choir?

CHRISTINE: They sent you out here to track us down?

GK: Your parents sent me. They're concerned.

CHRISTINE: Well, tell them not to be. We're doing great. We'll be in touch.

GK: That'd be nice.

DANIELA: They were good people ---- Lutheran people ---- but they weren't right for us---- you know?

GK: A lot of children have felt just that way.

DANIELA: I mean, like back in the day they were great. Hotdish and meat loaf and all that----

NADIA: We drank the Kool-Aid, you know? I mean, like literally. Grape Kool-Aid. We were totally under control.

CHRISTINE: I even like had this Lutheran boyfriend. Sort of a boyfriend. He told me I was beautiful, and then he LEFT. He went fishing. I was like, what? Weird. Then I came to New York and found out that it's a bigger compliment if a gay guy tells you you're beautiful. Cause he knows about makeup. And fabrics.

NADIA: We were so out of place at Concordia. Everyone there was like totally MEEK, you know?

DANIELA (DOING MIDWEST): "Excuse me.....oh I'm sorry....did I just bump into you?? Oh, my bad."

CHRISTINE: And I auditioned for the student production of Gypsy and I killed, I totally killed, and they gave the part to this mousy little ALTO from Bismarck with boobs like two Christmas cookies. And she was like "I don't really like this musical" --- And I was like, are you kidding me? This is great? You don't like this????

NADIA: I mean, if you don't like performing, get off the stage.

DANIELA: And then one night we saw "The Sopranos" on

TV and it just spoke to us. Not the criminal stuff but the food on the table. The talking. People talking to each other. Lutherans sit down to eat and all you hear is chewing and swallowing. We really connected to that idea of eating AND talking.


NADIA: It was awesome.

CHRISTINE: And we did a little research and hired a detective to trace our origins-----

GK: I know. That was me.


GK: The Minnesota parents hired me to find the girls and then I found the adoption papers. Brooklyn. Sisters of Mercy. Triplets, left in a basket on the nuns' doorstep. Their mama was a little overwhelmed by the birth. She thought it was just indigestion and instead---- it was three babies.


CHRISTINE: You reunited us with who we really are.

DANIELA: We tried to be Swedish but it didn't work.

NADIA: The moment we saw Mama, we knew we were hers.

CHRISTINE: She walked up and put her arms around us.

DANIELA: Nobody back at Concordia did that sort of thing.

NADIA: She hugged us and then she put food on the table, enough for twenty, and she talked a blue streak. (TR ITALIAN, EXCITED) We didn't understand Italian but we understood her. Our Mama.


GK: They stood with their arms around her and I turned away and that's when I saw the silver CD marked Parking Enforcement. It was lying in a box of junk CDs about to be thrown in the trash but why take chances. (CRUNCH) I busted it in pieces and saved the city of New York and I had made three young women very happy. A good day for a private eye.


When you're Italian you're in a battalion

You're smart and you're thrilling and you know about killing

When you're Italian you're always the boss

You've got pasta around you love vodka sauce

You're never alone you're always with your mother

She's there on the phone:

To talk about your sister

Cause someone kissed her.

It's like a medallion

Tattooed on your chest

You're one in a million

You're beautifully blest.

When you're Italian

You stay Italian.


TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions, Guy Noir, Private Eye.