BIG SOAP THEME
TR (ANNC): And now.....BRITENOL, the all-purpose washday detergent----nothing removes blood stains from tunics, gowns, trousers, cloaks and bodices half so well as BRITENOL ---- presents another episode of APPASSIONATA RENATA.... the story of the small-town girl who grew up to become the headstrong but insecure opera diva, Renata Flambee....(MUSIC FADE)
HM (VOCAL SCALE, TWICE....mi mi mi mi mi mi mi, mo mo mo mo mo )
RF: Let me see you breathe in and shhhhhh out.
HM: (BREATHES, SHHHHHH. TWICE)
RF: Now----- again, the scale ----- but elongate the spine and feel your ribcage expand.
HM: (SINGS) Mee mee mee mee moh moh moh moh moh
RF: Your jaw is tense---- Try chewing and do the same thing on a hum.
HM (HUMS)
RF: Gread. Now let me see you do the wobble head. Relax your face and wobble.
HM (WOBBLES)
(HM SINGS A FEW MORE SCALES, OFF MIKE)
RF:........Oh----How did this happen? Me----- Renata Flambee, star of stage and screen, now reduced to giving voice lessons here in a studio above a drugstore in Bayonne, New Jersey? What cruel force of fate has brought me down to this miserable existence? I used to star in La Boheme. Now I am living it.
HM (VOCAL SCALE): Is that better, Miss Flambee?
RF: You're doing beautifully, Lindsay. But did your mom send along the ten dollars for today's lesson?
HM: It's right here, Miss Flambee.
RF: Thank you, dear. And remember ---- it's an extra ten dollars if you're also going to take tap.
HM: Can I take tap today too?
RF: Yes, of course, dear. (TO HERSELF) Gandalf-----
FN (DWARF HUNCHBACK): Yes, Miss Flambee-----
RF: Fetch my tap shoes, Gandalf. And while you're at it, get me a bottle of poison.
(FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
FN (TO HIMSELF): My mistress wonders what cruel force of fate brought her down? It was bad investments. She used her fortune to invest in social-media opera, Der Ring das Twitterlungen. Big big mistake.
RF: My tap shoes, Gandalf. Hurry!!! (FOOTSTEPS AWAY, THEN DOOR BURSTS OPEN)
TR: You!!!! Evil one!!!! Seducer!!! You have stolen my wife and now you shall pay with your blood!!!
DR: She came to me!!! We're in love!!!
TR: You're a dead man!!! (SWORDFIGHT)
DR: Missed!!!! Take that!!! (LUNGE)
RF: HEY. ---- I SAID, HEY!!!! ---- TAKE IT OUT ON THE SIDEWALK. I'M TEACHING A LESSON IN HERE.
TR: I am teaching a lesson too! (SWORDFIGHT)
RF: I SAID BEAT IT AND I MEANT---- BEAT IT. (DOOR SLAM) That's what you get with cheap rent ---- bad neighbors.
HM: Who were those men, Miss Flambee?
RF: It's New Jersey, honey. There's a lot going on that you wouldn't want to know about. (PAUSE) (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Go away. I'm in the middle of a lesson. (DOOR OPEN)
GK: Sorry, Miss Flambee-----
RF: Yes?
GK: I'm Larry, your accountant.
RF: What is it now?
GK: The checks are bouncing.
RF: Make them stop bouncing.
GK: Your social media opera.....it's a loser. A sinkhole. We're bleeding cash.
RF: Der Ring das Twitterlungen has thousands of followers. It's been liked by ten-thousand ---- it gets a hundred hits a minute.
GK: But nobody is paying for it. Nobody.
RF: It's called flash opera. Flambee's Flash Opera. Instead of three hours, you get the whole thing in three and a half minutes.
GK: We've got to put the company up for sale, Renata.
RF: Over my dead body!
GK: I hope it doesn't come to that. I'm here to save you, don't you understand??
(DOOR IS THROWN OPEN)
AO (SINGS): I am dying. Dying! I've been poisoned by my jealous husband!!! And while I die, I bid farewell to this cruel world. To the spring I shall never see. To the wine I shall never drink!!! Farewell, cold world in which I never felt welcome. I was too innocent and fair!! Farewell, friends who never understood me. Farewell-----
RF: HEY. WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A VOICE LESSON AND YOU'RE SETTING A BAD EXAMPLE.
AO (SINGS): I am dying. Dying!!!
RF: GO DO IT OUT THERE. (DOOR SLAM)
Let's continue our lesson, Lindsay. Show me what you're working on.
HM: Okay. (SINGS) There is a castle on a cloud I'd like to go there in my sleep.....
(CELLPHONE RING)
RF: WOULD YOU MIND???? PLEASE.
GK: My phone. Sorry. (PICK UP) Hello? Yes, this is he. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY) Right. Thanks for calling back.....(FADE)
RF: Once more, dear.
HM (SINGS): There is a castle on a cloud I'd like to go there in my sleep.
RF: Nice. But you tend to close a little so try it again and this time bounce on the balls of your feet while you sing.
HM (SINGS): There is a castle on a cloud.
(FOOTSTEPS)
FN (DWARF): Your tap shoes, Miss Flambee.
RF: Thank you, Gandalf. ---And now, Lindsay, try singing that same line while you are yawning
HM (SINGS): There is a castle on a cloud.
RF: Good. One more time but I want you to massage the area right under your tongue while yawning and bouncing on the balls of your feet. Okay?
GK: Renata??
RF: I'm in the middle of a lesson----
GK: It's important. Please. It's good news.
RF: Excuse us, Lindsay. What is it?
GK: That call was from San Francisco. We've sold Flambee Flash Opera.
RF: No. I forbid it. That's my company. My idea. My baby.
GK: Google is buying it for fifty-eight million dollars.
RF: I withdraw my objections. Where do I sign?
GK: They're wiring the money tomorrow.
RF: Fifty-eight million. I'm back. Call up the car service. Order me a limo. A first-class ticket to Paris. A room at the George Cinq. I'm staying for a month. I knew this would happen. I knew that Bayonne was temporary. I'm back!!!
HM: Am I done with my lesson now, Miss Flambee?
RF: You're completely done, Lindsay. I'm out of here.
GK: Peter Gelb is on the line. From the Met. He wants to know if you can join the Opera Guild at the patron level.
RF: Money! That's all they think of! I'm an artist. I'm done with opera and all those museum pieces from the 19th Century! Done with the creaky plots and the controlling conductors and the cranky critics! It's Broadway for me, baby. I'm doing comedy. Hit it, Fisher.
(RF PIANO. W TAP DANCE)
RF (SINGS):
Another bride, another June
Another sunny honeymoon
Another season, another reason
For makin' whoopee.
(PIANO UNDER)
HM: You're a little tense! Try bouncing on the balls of your feet ----
RF: How about I bounce a bowling ball off your head!!!!
(SHE SINGS)
Now picture a little love nest
Off at the old Georges Cinq
Picture the same sweet love nest
As I come back from the bank....
(PIANO SLOWS TO THEME)
TR (ANNC): How will an opera soprano do on Broadway? Will she find a new investment banker? What perils await the headstrong but insecure diva Renata Flambee? We'll find out on the next episode of APPASSIONATA RENATA when we hear her say....
RF: Secretary of State? Why not? Happy to do it, Mrs. Clinton.
SS (HILLARY): Welcome to the team, Miss Flambe. Anybody who can deal with tenors can negotiate with prime ministers. Just remember ---- I'm the leading lady now and you're the mezzo.
RF: Maybe I'd better think this over.....
(BIG PIANO OUT)