RING 3x
PICKUP
GK: Hello, Mom.
SS: Dwayne, it's - how did you know it was me?
GK: You're the only one who uses my landline.
SS: Oh. ----- Nobody else calls you on this number?
GK: No, Mom.
SS: Well, what number do they call you on?
GK: My cellphone.
SS: Oh. So this is sort of ----- Our Private Line. The Mother-Son Line.
GK: Right.
SS: Well, isn't that special. Makes me feel all giddy inside. I was calling because I'm heading your way right now with your Easter basket, honey. I meant to bring it over on Easter but I was waiting for the chocolate bunnies to come over from Munich. I remember how much you liked those little German bunnies with the nougat filling. And those jelly babies from London. So I found a website with imported candies and I got the special organic grass nest that you're not allergic to and I colored a dozen eggs with those Ukrainian designs from the art museum. Made a special trip over there to get them. ----- Hello? -----You there, Duane?
GK: That's nice, Mom, but I'm not home.
SS: You're not?
GK: No.
SS: Where are you?
GK: I'm in New York.
SS: How can you answer your landline in New York?
GK: I switch it over to my cellphone number.
SS: But how do you know it's me calling?
GK: I just know, Mom. I can feel it.
SS: But I worked all week putting this beautiful Easter basket together.
GK: Mom, I still have the one from last year.
SS: You do?
GK: I don't eat that much candy anymore, Mom.
SS: I thought you loved Easter candy. I thought you gobbled it up with both of your little tiny hands.
GK: My hands aren't tiny. I ate a lot of candy and my hands got big and now I don't need that much.
SS: Well, what am I supposed to do with this?
GK: You could take it to a children's home. There are poor children who's love to have it.
SS: But I didn't make it for poor children. I made it for you.
GK: We'll figure it out, Mom. Don't worry about it. How are you? How's Dad?
SS: Oh we're all upset. The flowers aren't coming in in the yard. And now he's thinking that back in the fall when he put in the bulbs, he put them in upside down.
GK: Uh huh.
SS: So we're both sick about that. And then I spend thirty hours making this Easter basket for someone who doesn't even want it. ---- So what are you doing in New York, Duane?
GK: I'm writing for a TV show, Mom.
SS: You---- writing for a TV show----- right. In your dreams. What's her name, Duane? Who is she?
GK: Who is who?
SS: You found a New York woman to date? Tell me about her. Is she one of those bulemic babes in black? Huh? I just hope she's age-appropriate and not a chain-smoker.
GK: I'm not seeing anyone, Ma.
SS: You can tell me. Listen, if she's Dominican, Cuban, Colombian, Texan, whatever----- it's okay.
GK: There is no one.
SS: All we want is that she has ovaries that are producing eggs. That's all.
GK: It's not that. I'm in New York writing for a TV show, Mom. It's for YouTube.
SS: YouTube!!??
GK: They're producing TV shows and this is one about a race of super cats who get up to 100 pounds because they eat genetically modified kibble and they're trained to do battle with giant rodents who come up out of the sewers of New York and are preying on small children.
SS: Oh boy.
GK: It's my first paid writing job and all you can say is "Oh boy"?
SS: I thought you wanted to be a novelist.
GK: I did. I do. But the world doesn't want a novel by me so I'm writing for Internet TV instead.
SS: How much are they paying you for that?
GK: I'm not even going to answer that.
SS: That's what I thought. Well, I'm going to give you over to your Dad. He's anxious to talk to you, Duane. (OFF) Herb!!! Come here!!! It's Duane!!!! Come here and put down the book. It's your son. Here. Careful with the phone. (CLUNK)
TR: Hello.
GK: Hi, Dad.
TR: So how's it going then?
GK: How's it going when?
TR: Now.
GK: Not bad. How about you?
TR: Me?
GK: Yeah.
TR: Okay. You ok?
GK: Yeah. Fine.
TR: You sound faraway.
GK: New York.
TR: Oh yeah. That's faraway.
GK: Yeah.
TR: So what you doing out there?
GK: Not much.
TR: Yeah. Same here.
GK: Looks like spring.
TR: Yeah. Here too. But the crocuses never came up.
GK: Oh? Why not?
TR: Put the bulbs in upside down.
GK: You sure?
TR: Well, why else wouldn't they come up?
GK: Beats me.
TR: Yeah.
GK: Well, good talking with you.
TR: Same here. Here's your mother.
GK: Okay. You take it easy, Dad.
TR: Yeah. You too.
GK: Bye, dad.
TR: Bye, son.
(CLUNK) Here. Take the dang phone.
SS: Well, don't throw it at me, for crying out loud.--- Hello? Duane? You there?
GK: I'm here, Mom.
SS: Say, we're cleaning out the attic, you know, and I wonder if maybe you'd like Grandma's good china and her stemware? She's got twelve place settings. It's all good stuff.
GK: I think I'm ok.
SS: You need more than one, bachelor wine glass.
GK: I have more than one. I'm all set.
SS: Well, she left them to you. Wrote your name on the box before she died. I guess she imagined you'd meet someone and have a big family and someday there'd be twelve of you around the Easter table for dinner----- (SHE TEARS UP) Grandma always had high hopes for you----- she thought you were a genius----- she imagined you'd be a published writer and be earning a truckload of money, turning out best-sellers and making movie deals and ----- (SHE WEEPS) I guess it's good for her that she died as young as she did.
GK: Mom, please.
SS: I know, I know. Anyway, we're spring cleaning around here. In ten years, your father and I will be riding motorized-scooters- so we have to get this stuff done now.
GK: Mom -
SS: She made all those Christening outfits for you----- six of them----- one for each child who never existed. (SOBS)
GK: Mom?
GK: Mom. (BEAT) Alright, I'm seeing someone. She's 24, she's fertile, she's big in the hips, she's devoted to me, her father is a multi-millionaire, and her name is Rebecca. And she's Norwegian.
SS: Rebecca - that's a lovely name.
GK: Yeah. She's in New York. But as soon as we're married, we're moving back to Minnesota and we're going to look for a house out near you and Dad. And if you want to sell us your house and you move into a senior center, we're happy to pay whatever you ask.
SS: Oh, Dwayne! That's wonderful. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
GK: You're welcome.
SS: You're lying to me, aren't you.
GK: Yes, I am.
SS: Well, I appreciate your making the effort. You made me feel wonderful for the past ---- almost forty-five seconds.
GK: You're welcome.
SS: I hope you do find someone.
GK: I know you do.
SS: How long are you in New York for?
GK: Another couple weeks.
SS: Well, keep an eye out. Go out where there are other people. Okay?
GK: I will, Mom.
SS: And get a haircut. Okay?
GK: Okay.
SS: And ask him to trim the eyebrows.
GK: I will.
SS: Women are scared off by enormous eyebrows, Duane.
GK: Okay.
SS: And make sure to floss and brush and wash behind your ears, ok?
GK: I got to go, Mom.
SS: All I want is for you to be happy. You know that.
GK: I know.
SS: That's all I want, honey.
GK: Okay. Bye now.
SS: Bye now. Love you.
GK: Love you too.
SS: Love you honey bunny.
GK: Okay. Bye.
(HANG UP)