(THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by Trailblazer Table Napkins, they bring a touch of elegance to any campsite ......
(HORSE WHINNIES AND HOOVES, OUTDOOR AMBIENCE)
GK: You can almost smell spring in the air, don't you think, Dusty?
TR: Yep. Just like I almost went to the High School Prom with Lorraine Tibbetts.
GK: Who was she?
TR: Girl of my dreams. I still dream of her. And late at night, after a couple beers, I see her in the face of every dance hall floozy.
GK: Person could write a song about that.
TR: Well, don't. ---- By the way, what are we doing here in Iowa? Why did we leave Texas where it was warm?
GK: Because we need to find a new line of work, pardner. The days of the cattle drive are done gone. The way livestock prices are, you and I have become a non-profit enterprise. We could have us a membership week and call for pledges. So we're going to get us a seat on the gravy train.
TR: Which gravy train is that?
GK: The presidential primary in Iowa is a year away. You and I are going to be professional political consultants.
TR: But we don't know anything about politics.
GK: Not so different from herding cattle, Dusty. You get a few cows moving and the others fall in behind. When they get spooked, you head em into a draw and slow em down. Now and then you sing to em.
TR: But you need a candidate.
GK: I got one. He's waiting for us up ahead. All we need to
do is get one of those conservative multi-gazillionaires to take a liking to him and you and I have got us a very lucrative year. Giddup. (GALLOPING HOOVES, INTO BRIDGE)
(PAIR OF FOOTSTEPS)
GK: He's right in here.
TR: In the saloon?
GK: Saloons are where most campaigns begin. His name is Pierpont Morgan.
TR: Pierpont?
GK: Yep.
TR: I don't think the American voter is about to go for someone named Pierpont.
GK: This is not about voters, Dusty. This is about attracting a generous billionaire. Shhhh. (DOOR OPEN, PIANO PLAYING CAMPTOWN RACES) (FOOTSTEPS) Hey piano player. Here's ten bucks. Give us a little "Hail to the Chief," okay? (PIANO SWITCHES TO "HAIL TO THE CHIEF," QUIET JAZZY VERSION)
SS: Howdy, boys. Welcome to the Liberty Saloon. My name is Maisie, what can I get for you?
GK: We're looking for Mr. Pierpont Morgan, ma'am.
SS: PIERPONT!!!! YA GOT VISITORS!!!!
FN (TWO SENTENCES OF JOWLY GIBBERISH)
GK: Good to see you looking well, sir. The nation is in crisis. The Republic is calling for you, sir.
FN (TWO SENTENCES, JOWLY GIBBERISH)
GK: The land we love is on the edge of the cliff and only a return to basic principles can save it now. We're here to manage your campaign.
FN (AGREEMENT, JOWLY GIBBERISH)
SS: None of my business, but you two don't look much like campaign managers.
GK: We're grass roots, ma'am.This is Iowa. You don't want a manager running around in an Armani suit and $300 alligator shoes. Right, Dusty?
TR: Right. (SOTTO VOCE) Could I have a word with you? Alone?
GK: Excuse us, ma'am. (FOOTSTEPS AND STOP)
TR: This guy can't speak English.
GK: He can. Soon as we give him his cues, he'll be fine.
TR: What do you mean, his cues?
GK: He responds to certain words. He's all set to go. Listen. (FOOTSTEPS) So, Mr. Mr. Morgan, how do we get the economy to grow again?
FN (JOWLY): Cut taxes. Deregulate. Get government off our backs. Let the invisible hand of the free market lead us to prosperity.
GK: Very good. And your foreign policy, sir.
FN (JOWLY): We need to be strong. Not back down. We have to lead. Stop apologizing. Take the bull by the tail and look the situation straight in the face.
GK: Well said. A tax on carbons to reduce pollution that contributes to climate change.
FN (JOWLY): Climate change is a matter of opinion and I for one am opposed to government regulations that would destroy jobs in the mining industry.
GK: Thank you. How about immigration?
FN (JOWLY, SPUTTERS)
GK: Immigration.
FN (JOWLY): We need to provide a pathway to citizenship for all......
GK: NO!!! NO!!!! Secure the borders, sir. Secure the boarders.
FN (JOWLY): If elected president I will secure the borders. The rule of law must be uppermost. (HE SPUTTERS)
TR: I don't think he's ready. Maybe run him for Congress.
SS: He's a little tired. You go up to bed, Mr. Morgan, we'll see you in the morning. (FN GRUMBLING, OFF)
GK: So you're in politics too, Maisie?
SS: I get into it a little. What can I get you two to drink?
TR: I'm gonna head off and get me a steak dinner and maybe find a woman who looks good in dim light and form a temporary non-partisan relationship.
GK: Okay, you go ahead. (FOOTSTEPS OFF) So----- who do you like for President, Maisie?
SS: Well, let me tell you.
GK: It sounds as if you're about to burst into song.
SS: I am indeed. (SHE SINGS)
I must admit that I am hesitant
To vote for president today
Who'd be an effective chief
executive
For the USA?
But nowadays liberals give
No sensible alternative
They are doctrinaire, and
deplorable
They gave us Health Care that is
affordable.
I love Jed, and though he is a Bush,
He's able to speak English fairly capably.
He comes across
With gravitas,
His IQ won't trouble you,like his brother Double U.
And yet there's Rand
And his Tea Party band
Whom I could choose.
He's okay
And yet he's not quite right
Because he's not Ted Cruz.
TR (WALKER): Hey there. Anybody got a beer around here? I come from Wisconsin but I gotta tell you, Iowa is a state close to my heart because Tonette and I and our sons Matt and Alex, we've often come here to get away from the threats of 100,000 demonstrators there in Madison, Wisconsin. I'm telling you. People ask me, how are you going to face Arab terrorism ----- you know, when you've faced angry union members, you've been there. You've done that. I prayed for strength during that and now I am praying for a beer. Anybody got one?
SS: Let me get you one, Governor Walker.
TR (WALKER): Those terrorists in Wisconson said they were going to gut me like a deer, but the Lord gave us strength and it just made me more determined to show leadership, and that's why I'm here in Illinois.
SS: Iowa. Here's your beer, Governor.
TR (WALKER): Howdy, how you doing?
GK: Just fine, sir.
TR (WALKER): You a Republican voter?
GK: Not yet.
TR (WALKER): Well, I gotta tell you, you look like a smart man.
GK: Thank you.
TR (WALKER): You think I can be elected president?
GK: You look a lot like a shoe salesman, Governor. And you look like the youth minister of a very small church.
TR (WALKER): I've gotta tell you, I appreciate the honest opinion. Thanks. See you around. (FOOTSTEPS OFF)
SS: Plain talk. That's what candidates need. They get enough adoration from the ignorant masses. They need professionals to pop their balloon and free them from delusion so they can live a normal life.
(FOOTSTEPS)
TR (NYER): Hey. Anybody know how to mix a martini around here?
SS: Coming right up, Mr. Koch. (POURING, SHAKING, POURING)
TR (NYER): Was that Governor Walker I saw a minute ago?
GK: No, that was an Amway salesman. Had a deal on sweeping compound.
TR (NYER): Any candidates around?
GK: We're on the lookout for some, Mr. Koch.
TR (NYER): How'd you like to be my scout in Iowa? Need someone to look at these fellas and give me the straight skinny.
GK: I'm not from here. I'm a cowboy. Live outside the law. Don't pay taxes.
TR (NYER): Then you and I have something in common. Think about it. (SIPS) Great martini. You and I could make a great team. You believe in conservative values?
GK: Some of them.
TR (NYER): Same here. Namely, the freedom to earn what you can and keep what you got.
GK: I'm afraid I'm from the non-profit sector, Mr. Koch.
TR (NYER): We can train a man to enjoy wealth, sir. I'd be happy to try. Here.
GK: What's this?
TR (NYER): An envelope full of cash. Go give it to a needy person. Or keep it for yourself. Whichever you like.
GK: I am a needy person.
TR (NYER): There you are. You're a quick learner, mister.
(THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by Trailblazer Table Napkins, they bring a touch of elegance to any campsite ......