GK: Big news this week: Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey announced that due to concerns by animal rights activists, the circus will phase out its use of elephants by 2018, which is fine for the circus, but it's drawn intense scrutiny of our show and the elephants (SFX) that we use from time to time and also the caribou (SFX), the dolphins (SFX), the macaw (SFX), the walrus (SFX), the chickens (SFX) dogs (SFX), cats (SFX), grommets (SFX), and other animals in the Prairie Home menagerie.
TR, SS, DR: ANIMALS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. THEY HAVE RIGHTS LIKE ME AND YOU. (CHANTING, CONTINUES)
GK: We've been picketed by humane societies and animals rights people for years who have demanded to see the animals quarters and to know how often they're exercised, what their diet is, their health care, their right to procreate, etc etc etc ----- would you mind closing the door? Thank you. (DOOR CLOSE, CHANTING STOPS)
We believe in transparency but these animals are employees and they are protected by employee confidentiality and so we cannot share that information with you without their consent. (CAMEL) The camel says no. (COUGAR) So does the cougar. And so we do not allow visitors into the menagerie and for those activists who may attempt to force their way in ------ (HUGE MASTIFF, SNARLING, LOW IN THE THROAT) --- go ahead. Make my day. (SNARL)
GK: We will say that Fred has not used bullhooks on our elephants ever since an elephant used a bullhook on him (ELEPHANT TRUMPET, FRED OUCH OUCH OUCH ELEPHANT TRUMPET FRED CUT IT OUT. HEY. TRUMPET) and Fred was once whipped by a lion (LION, WHIP. FN YIKES. CUT IT OUT. LION ROAR) and Fred was once slapped around by two dolphins (SFX) until he jumped through a hoop (LEAP, SPLASH). And our animals have agents. Each animal has his or her agent.
FN (AGENT): The contract rider for my client specifically says fresh herring. Fresh. These are frozen herring. (WALRUS BELLOW) Wally does not eat frozen. Wally is not an Arctic walrus. Fresh. (WALRUS BELLOW)
And that's all we're going to say about that. (BIRD SHRIEK) Shuddup. (BIRD STIFLED, APOLOGETIC)