(MUSIC, DARK, OMINOUS)
GK: You're a grownup with a home, a family. You did well in school, worked hard, got a good job, made a good life for your loved ones. And then something happened. You found yourself spending more and more time at the computer, watching videos, one after another, the video of the cat walking into the glass door (KONK, MEOW), videos of penguins (SFX) as they poop and procreate (SFX), an eagle trying to snatch a child (BEATING WINGS, BIRD SCREECH, "LEAVE MY BABY ALONE" CHILD CRY) the twin babies speaking their mysterious language back and forth (BABY BASQUE, TWO VOICES, AND SHRIEKS), the panda bear sneezing (SFX), talking animals (ALLEN! ALLEN! ALLEN!), two samurai fighting with light sabers (SFX), videos of old presidents (TR REAGAN: Well, there you go again), and one day you notice that your family is gone (FN: Cynthia???? Bobby??? Sarah?????) and that raccoons are living upstairs in the bedrooms (SFX), but you keep watching ---- videos of skateboarders crashing (ROLL, CRY OF ALARM, CRASH, CRUNCH), movie trailers
(TR SLAVIK: You should not have come.
SS RUSSIAN: I am not afraid, Dmitri.
TR: This no place for woman.
SS: I am here.
TR: I see that.
GK: (DISTANT GUNS), and more cat videos ---- grumpy cats (SFX), tap-dancing cats (SFX), cats in duet (SS, KB CATS, SINGING "GOD BLESS AMERICA" FIRST TWO LINES), a cat walking on the keyboard (RD PIANO). and you're watching on your phone, at work, watching as you drive to work (ANGRY HONKS, BRAKES), and one day you arrive at work and someone else is in your cubicle ----
FN: Who're you? Who took down my pictures? My cartoons?
TR: You're fired, Mr. Halloran. Here's your stuff. Beat it. (DARK CHORD)
GK: Don't let Internet Addiction happen to someone you love. It starts small ---- you find something interesting on YouTube, a video of two English Boys (Charlie bit my finger.)---- you can buy apps that promise to eliminate surfing but they're easily circumvented ---- you need to do an intervention.
SS: Dad, we're sending you to St. Francis Xavier.
FN: No, no----- I can quit. Trust me.
TR (IRISH): I'm Brother John. Come with me, Mr. Halloran.
GK: The Monastery of St. Francis Xavier is in the Superior National Forest in northern Minnesota, accessible only by dogsled (SFX). There is no wifi. There never was, never will be. There are goats to take care of (SFX) and snow to shovel (SFX) and bread to bake (SFX) and prayer four times a day.
(MONKS CHANTING: Power us down. Force us to quit. Open a new window in our mind, O Lord.)
GK: Six weeks at St. Francis Xavier will change your life.
(MONKS CHANTING: Log off. Clear our search history. Connect us to a higher browser).
TR (IRISH): For more information, write to us at stfrancisxavier (one word, lower case) dot-org.
(MONKS HUM AMEN CHORDS)