TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions - Guy Noir, Private Eye.


GK: It was January, a mild winter so far, and the pigeons on the windowsill were all excited (SFX), thinking spring was around the corner ---- I opened up the window (SFX) and put a handful of birdseed on the ledge and just then I saw in the window of an apartment across the street a stunning redhead in thong underwear standing in front of her closet, pulling dresses out and looking at them and hanging them up. She wore the scantiest underwear I'd ever seen . There's more cotton in an aspirin bottle than there was in that - my gosh - good heavens - before I realized it, I had a pair of binoculars in my hands and then a pigeon flew up (SFX) and I dropped the binoculars ---- Whoa------ and watched them fall twelve stories onto a black Lamborghini parked at the curb (DISTANT CRUNCH OF METAL) ---- and two big guys got out of the car and looked up (TR & DR BRUTES FAR BELOW: Hey!!!! You!!!!) ---- they looked to measure about 48 inches in the chest, 30 inches in the biceps ---- (TR & DR BELOW: COME ON DOWN HERE, YOU MEATHEAD!!!)

GK: It seemed like a good time to slip out of the office and take the elevator down to the 10th floor (DING DING) where a moment later I heard the two beefcakes heading up (FN, TR ROARING, IN RISING ELEVATOR) and I stepped into the offices of the law firm of Batten, Bicker, Buttress & Bark where the receptionist Jennifer is a pal.

KB: Hi, Guy. What's going on?

GK: I dropped my binoculars on somebody's Lamborghini and put a big dent in the roof.

KB: Oh boy. The Bogus Brothers. They're bouncers at the Blowhole. On their way up here for a deposition. They're getting sued for tying a patron in a square knot.

GK: On their way up here????


KB: They're here. Take the back stairs.

GK: So I ran as fast as I could down the back stairs (SFX) to the 9th floor and took the elevator down (DING DING) and I decided to go to the Public Library and read Moby Dick and then on the way to the library, I accidentally stopped in at the Five Spot.


TR: Hey, Guy. Good to see ya. How's everything?

GK: Hey, not so bad, Jimmy. Could be worse. How's it going with you?

TR: Great, Guy. I finally finished Moby Dick.

GK: Hey great. What a coincidence. I was just on my way to go read it. How was it?

TR: Good. I took a course on it at the U forty years ago, y'know.

GK: Uh huh.

TR: Got an A on the course.

GK: Uh huh.

TR: Always felt guilty about it.

GK: Right.

TR: Thought I oughta read the book. Never got around to it.

GK: Uh huh.

TR: And yesterday I finished it.

GK: Good. What'd you think?

TR: It's not a bad book.

GK: Uh huh.

TR: But I forget how it starts.

GK: Oh really-

TR: I mean forty years is a long time.

GK: Sure.

TR: I mean, who is Ishmael? What's he doing on the ship with Queegqueeg? Why a white whale? I don't get it.

GK: Maybe you ought to start over.

TR: Maybe I'll just buy a copy of Cliff's Notes.

GK: Or you could rent the video.

TR: But what if it's not as good as the book?

GK: Good point. Say, Jimmy, you know anybody lives in that apartment building across from my office?

TR: The Jamaica Palms?

GK: Right.

TR: Lot of young people moved in there.

GK: I should say.

TR: It's kind of a singles place.

GK: Well, I'm single.

TR: Single singles.

GK: Oh.

TR: So what can I get for you, Guy?

GK: How about a sarsaparilla, Jimmy?

TR: Anything else, Guy?

GK: No, no. Not a thong - I mean, thing.

TR: Coming right up.

GK: You know anybody who lives in that building?

TR: Yeah. Simone does. The woman standing right behind you.


GK: I turned and there she was, the girl with the thong underwear. - Good God!

SS: I'm sorry. Do I know you?

GK: Uh...no. No, you don't. It's just an expression. Good God. I grew up Episcopalian. It's a prayerful thing.

TR: Here you go, Guy. Sarsaparilla.

GK: Good God. Thanks. (BRIDGE) I tried not to stare at Simone but she was wearing a black silk blouse which she had neglected to button all the way to the top. And jeans, tight. Made by somebody who also makes sausage casings.

SS: I'm Simone. I'm from Chicago. And you are - ?

GK: Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered.

SS: Is that, like, a law firm?

GK: No, just a few symptoms. My name is Guy. Guy Noir.

TR: Guy is a world-famous private eye, Simone.

GK: Jimmy, please.

TR: Guy was the mastermind who solved the big Hotchkiss kidnapping in 1965.

SS: Nineteen-sixty-five!! Wow! That was, like, during World War II, right?

GK: It was a little after World War II, Simone. But you could remember it from there.

SS: So you're really a private eye?

GK: Yeah.

SS: That's funny. I've been looking for a private eye myself.

GK: Well, here I am. World-famous, low rates.

SS: It's my boyfriend. Leon. He's been acting mysterious lately. I wonder if maybe he's been seeing someone else on the side.

GK: Simone, if he's seeing someone else, it oughta be a psychiatrist.

SS: I don't think psychiatrists see people at midnight on Saturday though.

GK: You called him up then?

SS: I went to his apartment then.

GK: I see.

SS: I'm in 12B, he's in 12C.

GK: Convenient.

SS: I was returning his laundry.

GK: Ironed, or just fluff and fold?

SS: Ironed.

GK: A serious romance.

SS: We've talked about getting an apartment together.

GK: So you went next door Saturday at midnight?

SS: I heard a woman's voice.

GK: Uh huh.

SS: He was talking to her.

GK: I see.

SS: (WEEPY) He was talking to her like he knew her really well. Like maybe they were having an affair.

GK: Uh huh. At midnight.

SS: What can I do, Mr. Noir?

GK: Well, a number of things. (MUSIC UNDER) I wanted to say, "Simone, an older man who's seen a little more of life is going to be much more considerate of a woman than a kid who's all wrapped up in himself. I think you need to open your mind to the possibility of a more mature man." And right then the door opened (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE. FOOTSTEPS) and in came -

SS: Leon!

FN: Simone, what are you doing in here? I've been looking everywhere. We had a date to go see a movie - who's this?

GK: I'm Guy Noir, Leon. I'm a private investigator. I'd like to ask you a few questions.

FN: A detective!

GK: Number one, are you eating Dumb Flakes for breakfast or what?

SS: Leon, who were you with Saturday night? Late. After you left me.

FN: After I left you? I went back to my apartment.

SS: With whom?

FN: Nobody. I went back and worked with my French language tapes.

SS: Oh?

FN: You and I talked about going to Paris in the spring.

SS: Right.

FN: I've got six hours of conversation tapes. I'm on No. 3.

SS: So the voice I heard was -

FN: Madame Poisson.

SS: - and you were -

FN: Practicing how to say, Je t'adore. Vous etes mon veritable amour. Laissez-nous voyage a Paris.

SS : Oui. Tres bien.

FN : Venez, l'amour.

SS : Venez ou?

FN : Mon appartement.

SS : O, vous me frisson.

FN : Cherie.



GK: They walked out the door, and I sat there studying my sarsaparilla.

TR (JIMMY): You look a little crestfallen, Guy.

GK: Sometimes you solve a case sooner than you'd like to, Jimmy.

TR (JIMMY): Yeah?

GK: I was looking forward to working with Simone.

TR (JIMMY): So your interest was not purely professional.

GK: I'm not in a very pure profession. -

TR (JIMMY): She's too young for you, Guy. Before you came in, she was looking at the jukebox and she saw Duke Ellington and she asked if he was English. You could never be happy with someone who doesn't know who Duke Ellington is, Guy.

GK: It might be fun trying to struggle along, though.


SS: A dark night in the city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions - Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)