(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was one of those grey weeks in January, the sky is grey, the snow is grey, and there is a large grey cloud in the middle of the sky, and then you realize that's your face reflected in the window. A good time to keep busy, which I was, working for the St. Paul Winter Carnival --- I was judging the songwriting contest. Yeah---A thousand contestants. The rules say: original work only, but you soon recognize there's no such thing.
FN (SINGS):
To dream of a ride on a sled
To skate on a big frozen pond
To put on my boots and play broomball
To be tall and Swedish and blonde.
This is my quest
Out here on the prairie
To be happy
In January.
GK: Thank you!!! Next!!!
FN: I have more!!!
GK: I'm sure you do. ----Next.
FN: You didn't like it????
GK: It's fine.
FN: The next verse is better.
GK: I hope so. Next---- Step up, please. Yes, ma'am-----
NM (SINGS):
I'm forever throwing snowballs
Trying to hit people unawares.
I make 'em hard, and then I bombard
Cars going by on the boulevard.
GK: Thank you!
NM: Should I sing some more?
GK: I think I've got it. Thanks. Next.
TR (DYLAN):
How does it feel
How does it feel
When evening falls
Feeling cold and small
Like a big snowball ?
GK: Thank you.
TR (DYLAN): That's just the first verse. I've got more.
GK: Later. Good luck with your music. (BRIDGE) I was also working security for the Winter Carnival so I was down in Rice Park where they were making ice sculptures (CHAINSAW START, CUT) and I saw the jigsaw puzzle contest across the street at the Landmark Center (STUDIOUS MURMURS. No, not there. No. Here? I don't think so.), and the robotic snowplow competition (ENGINE), snowplows guided by GPS to clear a specific path ( FAST ENGINE, MANEUVERING. No, no, no, no!!!! CRASH AND CRUNCH) and pony rides (WHINNY), and the World's Largest Bowl of Tomato Soup (SFX) and up at the Cathedral on the hill the giant ice slide with Catholic nuns in full habits coming down on ice skates (TR, SS, FN NUNS, SOPRANO WHEEEEE SYNCHED TO DROPS AND TURNS). I went over to the big cat show (GROUCHY CAT) and I donated blood at the blood drive (TR VAMP: Okay, just relax, here comes the poke. POP), and I watched the parade go by (BAGPIPES, MINNESOTA ROUSER), and the lady being tossed in the air by the guys holding a sheet of canvas (NELLIE, CRY, BEING THROW UP HIGH) but the highlight for me was that I got a small role in a feature movie called "Winter Carnival" with Nellie Mackay costarring with Woody Harrelson, and I got to shoot a scene in which I stood and held a chicken. (TRAFFIC, MURMURS OF BYSTANDERS)
DR (DIRECTOR): Okay, people. Places! This is a walking shot, Woody---- you're walking along the sidewalk, past the man with the chicken, and you see Nellie, and your eyes meet, you recognize each other from the Snow Ball the night before, and you have that little dialogue on p 32 ---- okay? Scene 11, take one (CLACK) ---- let's do it. Quiet on the set! (FN ECHOES) Lights! Camera! And ----- action!!!
(FOOTSTEPS. GK CHICKEN. FOOTSTEPS. AND STOP.)
TR (WOODY): Hey, beautiful lady.
NM: Hey, big guy. That was quite the tango last night. You wouldn't happen to be Argentinian, would you?
TR (WOODY): No, I'm from Edina. The name is Butte. Mister Butte. Like the town in Montana.
NM: Well, Mr. Butte ---- I'm Gina. I'm from St. Paul and I'm itchin' to get out of here.
DR: Okay! Cut! (FN ECHO) That was great. Really great. Could I have more snow on the sidewalk so we get a sort of crunching sound??
FN: You want a crunching sound?
DR: He's walking through snow.
FN: Okay. Snow!!! (SS RUSSIAN, REPEATS TO PROP PERSON OFF)
DR: Spread it around on the sidewalk there. (SFX) Right. Good. And you with the chicken?
GK: Me?
DR: The guy with the chicken in his arms---- you----
GK: Right. (GK CHICKEN)
DR: Could the chicken be more definite, like he recognizes Woody? Or feels threatened by him?
GK: Which one.
DR: Both.
GK: Okay. Recognizes and feels threatened.
DR: And hold the chicken up a little higher.
GK: Okay.
DR: Let's try this again. Scene 11. Scene two. (CLACK) Places! (FN REPEATS) Quiet on the set. Lights! Camera! Action!
(CRUNCHY FOOTSTEPS. CRUNCHY FOOTSTEPS. AND STOP.)
DR: Cut!!!! (FN REPEATS) ----- Sir? You with the chicken? He missed his cue.
GK: I'm sorry, the chicken wasn't ready. He's a little stressed. (GK CHICKEN) I may have to swap him out for another one. (GK CHICKEN) No, he wants to do it.
DR: You're sure??
GK: He's a pro. He's ready to go. But how soon do you want him to cluck?
DR: When Woody gets in front of you.
GK: Oh. Okay.
DR: The chicken sees Woody and feels threatened.
GK: Okay. Got it.
DR: Okay. Take three. Scene 11. (FN REPEATS) Quiet on the set. Lights! Camera! Action!
(CRUNCHY FOOTSTEPS. GK CHICKEN. CRUNCHY FOOTSTEPS. AND STOP.)
TR (WOODY): Hey, beautiful lady.
NM: Hey, big guy. That was quite the tango last night. You wouldn't happen to be Argentinian, would you?
TR (WOODY): No, I'm from Edeena. The name is Butte. Mister Butte.
DR: Cut!!! (FN ECHOES) That's Edina. Edina.
TR (WOODY): Right. I knew that. Edina. Sorry. Edina.
DR: Make-up! (FN ECHO) Put some powder on Mr. Harrelson, please.
SS (RUSSIAN): Which one Mr. Harrelson?
TR (WOODY): That's me, baby.
SS (RUSSIAN: I am not baby. Here. Close the eyes. (PATS) And around the lips. Okay, you're good.
TR (WOODY): Thanks, baby. (SS OFF, MUTTERING)
DR: Okay. Let's get this scene, people. We've got lots of work to do today. Okay? Work with me, people. Scene 11, take four. (CLACK) Places! (FN REPEATS) Quiet on the set. Lights! Camera! Action!
(CRUNCHY FOOTSTEPS. GK CHICKEN. CRUNCHY FOOTSTEPS. AND STOP.)
TR (WOODY): What's my line?
NM: Hey, beautiful lady.
TR (WOODY): Hey, beautiful lady.
DR: Cut! Cut! (FN ECHOES) People. Please. It's a simple scene. Let's get this done. Focus. Please. Scene 11, take five. (CLACK) Lights! Camera! Action! (FN REPEATS)
(CRUNCHY FOOTSTEPS. GK CHICKEN. CRUNCHY FOOTSTEPS. AND STOP.)
TR (WOODY): Hey, beautiful lady.
NM: Hey, big guy. That was quite the tango last night. You wouldn't happen to be Argentinian, would you?
TR (WOODY): No, I'm from Edina. The name is Butte. Mister Butte. Like the town in Montana.
NM: Well, Mr. Butte ---- I'm Gina. I'm from St. Paul and -----
TR (WOODY): (SLIPS ON ICE, WINDMILL ARMS, CRY OF ALARM, FALLS) Sorry. Slipped on the ice.
DR: You okay?
TR (WOODY): Yeah. Sorry about that.
DR: Somebody put some sand down on the sidewalk, please???!!!! (FN PROP MAN, SFX) Make-up! (SS RUSSIAN, OFF) Come and fix Mr. Harrelson's hair!!!
SS (RUSSIAN): Hold still and close your eyes.
TR (WOODY): Okay, baby.
SS (RUSSIAN): Don't call me baby. I not your baby.
TR (WOODY): Sorry, sweetheart.
SS (RUSSIAN): Close eyes. (SPRAY) Okay. Open eyes.
TR (WOODY): Thanks, baby. (SS RUSSIAN MUTTER, AWAY)
DR: Okay, people. This is it. This is the one. Let's do it. Scene 11, take six. (CLACK) Places! (FN REPEATS) Quiet on the set. Lights! Camera! Action!
GK: Excuse me?? I'm sorry.
DR: WHAT DO YOU WANT???
GK: Sorry. Just a question.
DR: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM???
GK: I'm sorry but I'm not clear about the chicken's motivation at this point?
DR: IT'S A (BLEEP) CHICKEN! CHICKENS DON'T HAVE MOTIVATION! THEY JUST HAVE A NERVOUS SYSTEM!!
GK: Okay, but why does he feel threatened???
DR: YOU'RE NOT THE DRAMATURGE!!! YOU'RE THE CHICKEN WRANGLER!!! JUST GET THE CHICKEN TO CLUCK WHEN HE'S SUPPOSED TO CLUCK??? Got it???
GK: Got it.
DR: I'm sorry, but this is a simple scene. It's not Harold Pinter, okay? Let's do it, people. We're losing daylight here. Come on. Yes? Miss Mackay?
NM: I'm sorry but ---- I'm starting to feel just a teentsy-weentsy insecure right now, could we stop and -----
DR: No!
NM: Just for a minute? Please? I need a break.
DR: No!!! Let's do it.
NM: I just want to say my mantra.
DR: Say it afterward.
NM: It only takes ten seconds.
DR: Okay. Ten-second break. Go.
NM: (CHANTS) Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo.
DR: You done?
NM: Yes. Thank you.
TR (WOODY): That sounds nice. How'd that go?
NM: Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo.
TR (WOODY): Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. Wow. Cool.
DR: Are we ready, people? People?
NM: Ready.
DR: Thank you. Make-up!! (SS RUSSIAN, OFF) Powder Mr. Harrelson, please.
SS (RUSSIAN): I not powder if he say Baby.
DR: Don't call her, Baby, okay, sweetheart?
TR (WOODY): You got it.
SS (RUSSIAN MUTTERING): Close your eyes. Head up. Head up. (PATS) Okay. You're good.
TR (WOODY): Thanks, baby. (SS RUSSIAN MUTTERING)
DR: Okay, people. Let's get it done. Scene 11, take seven. (CLACK) Quiet on the set! (FN ECHOES) Lights! Camera! And ----- action!!!
(FOOTSTEPS. GK CHICKEN. FOOTSTEPS. AND STOP.)
TR (WOODY): Hey, beautiful lady.
NM: Hey, big guy. That was quite the tango last night. You wouldn't happen to be Argentinian, would you?
TR (WOODY): No, I'm from Edina. The name is Butte. Mister Butte. Like the town in Montana.
NM: Well, Mr. Butt ---- I'm Gina.
DR: Cut!!! (FN ECHOES)
NM: I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I knew the line. I don't know what happened. The lights were in my eyes. Pleaase----
DR: We're shooting a movie, kid. The lights are always going to be in your eyes. Why? Because you're the star of the movie. Okay?
NM: Please. One last time.
DR: Just do your last line and we'll splice it in. Okay?
NM (QUIETLY): Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. Okay.
DR: Scene 11B, take one. Give her your line, Woody, okay? Quiet on the set!! (FN ECHOES) Lights. Camera! Action!
TR (WOODY): The name is Butte. Mister Butte. Like the town in Montana.
NM: Well, Mr. Butte ---- I'm Gina. I'm from St. Paul and I'm itchin' to get out of here. (TR BIG SNEEZE)
TR (WOODY): Sorry. I'm allergic to chickens.
DR: Get the chicken out of here. (GK CHICKEN) Make-up. Come and wipe his nose. (SS RUSSIAN MUTTERING, APPROACH)
TR (WOODY): Why does she have a chainsaw??
DR: Who? Oh my god.
SS (RUSSIAN): You say baby one more time, I hurt you very bad, mister. (CHAINSAW)
GK: And I threw the chicken at her (SFX, SS CRY OF ALARM) and the chainsaw went up in the air (SFX) and it hit an ice sculpture (SFX) and it fell (SFX) and landed in the Tomato Soup (SFX) and made it into Gazpacho ----- it was an exciting day. (STING) And then it was back to the song contest. Who's next? You, the guy with the ponytail.
TR (WILLIE):
In the snow again
Just can't wait to get in the snow again
All that I love is makin' snowmen with my friends
And I can't wait to get in the snow again.
GK: Thank you. Next. Yes, sir.
RD: This is a song called "Purple Snow".
GK: Okay.
RD: Now?
GK: Now.
RD (SINGS):
I'm only the guy who lives next door
The guy with the dark glasses and the beard
But those purple Christmas lights in your front yard
They sure do make the snow look weird
Purple snow, purple snow
Purple snow, purple snow
Purple snow, purple snow
I only wanted to see you rolling in the purple snow
GK: You know, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this sounds an awful lot like "Purple Rain" by Prince.
RD: You're kidding!
GK: It's a song by Prince.
RD: Who?
GK: Prince.
RD: Prince Who?
GK: You're not from here, are you?
RD: I'm from Minneapolis.
GK: Well, no wonder you never heard of him.
RD: How's that?
GK: People over there figure that if you were any good you'd be from somewhere else.
RD: I don't understand.
GK: Don't worry about it.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)