It's almost Christmas (TR ANXIETY). You've gotten presents for almost everyone on your list ---- for your wife the glow-in-the-dark negligee (TR OOHHH) and for your selfish greedy children you're donating sheep to the village in India (SHEEP) and for your brother an electric carving knife (SFX) and for your sister Roxanne, a makeup kit that when you open the cover it sings (FN: Roxanne. You don't have to put on the red light. Roxanne. You don't have to put on the red light.) But you still don't have anything for your mother. You looked at the Maserati (CAR REV) and you thought about sending her on a cruise on the Queen Mary (SHIP HORN) and you thought about a diamond necklace (SFX) and then you saw a sugar bowl in the window of a china shop (TR ENTHUSIASM) ---- it's exactly like her sugar bowl that you broke years ago----- remember? (TR SADNESS) You go in the shop and it's beautiful, a crystal sugar bowl (PING) and (TR: I'll take it) and you hand the clerk your credit card (SS: Thank you.) and she swipes the card through the reader and red lights flash (KLAXON) and horns go off ---- (FN ELECTRONIC VOICE: Do not sell to this man.) ----(SS: I'm sorry. Do you have another card?) (TR: Let me see.....) and you reach back for your billfold and you bump into a glass case (WHUMP, OOOFFF) that is full of glassware and it is teetering (SHAKING OF CASE HOLDING CRYSTAL OBJECTS) and suddenly you feel a sneeze coming on (TR SNEEZE BUILD) and you try to stifle it (VIOLENT SHAKING OF GLASSWARE, TR BUILD)...

GK: ...and you can't ---- (EXPLOSIVE SNEEZE WITH TR SHOUT, AND A CATACLYSM OF CRYSTAL) and the glass case falls and hundreds of priceless crystal pieces break (KLAXON) and you dash out of the shop (FAST RUNNING, TR PANTING) and across the street (HORNS, BRAKES) and a police K-9 unit is right there (DOGS SNARLING) and they jump on you and get you down on the sidewalk (DOGS GROWLING, TR PROTEST) and off to jail you go (SIREN) and a guard takes your cellphone and your possessions (ROUGH GUARD) and ----- FN: ONE PHONE CALL, CLOWN. Here's a quarter.) and you call on the payphone (COIN DROP, ROTARY DIAL) and -----

SS OLD LADY: Hello???

TR: Mom----

SS OLD LADY: Who is this?

TR: It's your son, Kyle.


SS OLD LADY: Which one are you?

TR: I'm the middle child, Mom.


SS OLD LADY: Did you say "Lyle"?

TR: Kyle, Mom. Kyle. I'm right after Marcie. Right before Libby.


SS OLD LADY: Oh yeah. That one. The one who busted my sugar bowl. I remember. Where are you now?

TR: I'm in jail, Mom.

SS OLD LADY: Well, it serves you right. I hope they throw the book at you.

TR: I was trying to replace that sugar bowl and then ---- everything came crashing down.

SS OLD LADY: Good. You've been getting away with murder for years. What a pain the butt you were. Time to pay some dues, you little creep.

TR: So I guess you wouldn't be willing to post bail, huh?

SS OLD LADY: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's a good one. Oh, that makes my day.


Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.


In the twilight of December

Still we see thee lie

Then we need Beboparebop

Homemade rhubarb pie.

Lovely rhubarb in a pie crust

Raise your voices high

Do not compromise with apple

Make it rhubarb pie.