(THEME)

SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by Noblesse Air Freshener.....when you camp out near livestock, you may like to have an air freshener even though you are outdoors.....Noblesse comes in Lilac, Forsythia, or Petunia ......and now, today's exciting adventure.....

GK: I realize you were only hanging your socks on the barbed wire to air them out, Dusty, but seeing a couple great big stockings hanging there kind of brings back a memory, you know? And then looking up at that pine tree and seeing the stars shining through it ---- I get sort of emotional.

TR: Listen, pardner ---- you and me, we took to the cowboy life to get away from Christmas. All that shopping and baking and decorating ---- we wanted to get free of it----

GK: When I was eight or nine, my mama gave me a little cap pistol and a pair of chaps and spurs. Christmas was how I became a cowboy.

TR: So I suppose you're gonna want to head into town and look at the lights then, huh?

GK: Just like to go in and have an eggnog and hear someone play Once In Royal David's City----

TR: What's that?

GK My mama's favorite Christmas song. She turned on the radio on Christmas Eve and they played it at midnight, sung by a boy soprano, and she sat and cried and I put my arm around her.

TR: And she tried to make a boy soprano out of you.

GK: I'd just like to hear it, that's all.

TR: Well, you go right ahead. I'll stay with the herd and air out my stockings.

GK: Okay, thanks. See you later. (GIDDYUP, HORSE WHINNY, AND GALLOP. BRIDGE. BRIDGE CONTINUES, FADES, UNDER HORSE'S HOOVES, SLOW WALK) Alhambra. Nice-looking town. People burning candles in the windows. Christmas wreaths. Almost looks like a Christmas card, except for the horse manure. (BELL RINGING, OFF) (FOOTSTEPS TOWARD RINGER. STOP)

FN: Afternoon, mister. Care to spare a dollar or two for the needy? We provide hot meals for bandits, villains, desperadoes, hijackers, highwaymen, and hooligans. Even bad men deserve a little Christmas cheer, don't you think.

GK: Well---- you got a lot of bad men around here?

FN: Soon as they hear we're providing hot meals, we'll have a passel of them.

GK: So you're using Christmas dinners to----

FN: Yep. Lure em into town with turkey and all the trimmings and throw em in the pokey.

GK: Not really in the spirit of Christmas, would you say?

FN: Well, they haven't done a whole lot for peace on earth and goodwill either.

GK: I suppose not. This the saloon over here?

FN: Reckon so.

GK: Only one in town?

FN: Yep.

GK: Okay. Merry Christmas to you. (FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. SALOON DOOR OPENS. PIANO IN THE MIDDLE OF "IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS") (BAR HUBBUB) (FOOTSTEPS)

SS: Hey there, cowpuncher ---- what brings you into town on a cold night?

GK: Hoping to find a little Christmas cheer, ma'am. You wouldn't happen to have eggnog, would you?

SS: Got some right here. (CHICKEN CLUCKING) C'mon, Henny Penny. Give it up. Give! (CHICKEN EFFORT. EGG POPS OUT) All right. (SHE CRACKS EGG IN BOWL, POURS MILK IN, TURNS ON MIXER) There you go. Freshest eggnog in Jefferson County. Put in a little rum (POURING) Some cinnamon and nutmeg. There you go, cowboy.

GK: Appreciate that. (SIPS. EXHALES) Ahhh. That is one fine eggnog. Hey, Piano Player!!!! (PIANO STOPS) You know "Once In Royal David's City"?

RD: I know City Lights. I know Royal Garden Blues. I know Little David, Play on Your Harp.

GK: This is a Christmas song.

RD: Oh. Hum a little bit for me.

GK: (HUMS A FEW BARS)

RD: That's Camptown Races. Stephen Foster.

GK: No, it isn't Camptown Races goes (HUMS)..

RD: Same thing.

GK: I think maybe you been playing piano too long, mister. You forgot how to listen.

DR: Hey, take it easy on Charlie. He just got fired at the Methodist church. He was playing "You Never Give Me Your Money" for the offertory and "Hit The Road, Jack" for the recessional.

SS: How's that eggnog, cowboy?

GK: It's just fine. What happened to your Christmas tree? Its all dark.

SS: Big Messer came in and shot the bulbs off it.

GK: What's he got against Christmas?

SS: Just orneriness. Whatever other people love, he's against.

GK: So he's around here now?

DR: Probably coming to town soon to collect his Christmas dinner.

GK: Well, I think he ought to replace those bulbs, if you ask me.

SS: Ha!

GK: Did you mention Methodists?

DR: Yeah?

GK: I wonder if they wouldn't know that song.

DR: Ask Jessica.

GK: Who's she?

DR: She's a dance-hall floozy but she sings there on Sunday mornings.

GK: Really.

DR: It's a liberal congregation.

(POUNDING ON DOOR, CRASH OF WOOD)

FN: Okay, all you sissies and fruitcakeaters, outta the way, let a man come through and get hisself a drink. Anybody wish me a Merry Christmas, I will stomp on your foot, see how you like it. Maybelle!!!

SS: Right here, Messer.

FN: Gimme a bottle of rye whiskey, no ice, no glass-------WHOAAAA. Do I smell eggnog? What is this? A TEAROOM?? A PARLOR SOCIETY??? Who is drinking eggnog in here? Speak up. You!!! Is that eggnog I see on your upper lip?

GK: It is.

FN: Well, I don't believe you know where you are, stranger. This is not an eggnog kinda town. This ain't Cambridge, Massachusetts, or Edina, Minnesota. Maybe you were hoping to find a yoga studio and a vegan restaurant and a bar that serves artisan beer ---- well, you came to the wrong place, hombre. So git moving. Figure out where you're going and make tracks.

(CROWD MURMURS)

JH: Messer?

FN: Oh hi, Jessica. Where were you? I was looking for you. We still going to the dance?

JH: I was down at the telegraph office ---- got a wire from my old friend Evelyn Beebalo that her boyfriend Lefty was heading this way. You see him?

GK: That's me, ma'am.

JH: Oh. Wonderful. Welcome.

GK: How do you know Evelyn?

JH: We used to sing in choir together.

GK: Small world.

FN: (CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY) Uh---- how about me, Jessica? I thought you and me was going to the dance tonight.

JH: How would you like to come to the dance with Messer and me?

GK: I guess---

FN: What sort of dancing you do, mister? You ballroom dance or you cowboy dance?

GK: I've tripped the light fantastic in all sorts of milieus, Mr. Messer, and no woman has every complained that she was not pleasantly occupied.

FN: "Milieu?" Did I hear you say, milieu?

GK: No, I said "milieus". Plural. Many milieus.

FN: You know what I mean by cowboy dancing?

JH: Messer---- could you just let it be? He's a friend of a friend of mine.

FN: Well, that don't make him a friend of mine.

JH: Be that as it may, I am going upstairs and powder my nose and I'll be down in ten minutes to go to the dance. The three of us. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)

DR: If you're gonna show him what cowboy dancing is, Messer, we better move the chairs and tables.

SS: And don't come dancing over near the bar.

RD: You need music for this dance?

FN: Yeah, give us that Blue Danube Waltz.

GK: I'm going to waltz with you??

FN: Long as you can remain standing, you will.

(BLUE DANUBE) So here's how it goes---- we get in a clinch, like this, and when it comes to the ba-dum ba-daum, it goes like this----- (BIG SLAPS, OR HITS, ON TWO BEATS)

GK: Oh, this dance. I got it. (STRUGGLE, AND HITS ON TWO BEAT)

FN: Lucky hit, stranger. Look out. (HE PICKS UP GK) Watch your back! (HE THROWS HIM ON PIANO, CLUNK OF KEYS. GK DAZED) Had enough?

GK: No, I don't think so. (THEY ANGLE, AND GK BIG KAPOW) You done, Messer?

FN: Look over there. Jessica in her underwear.

GK: Where? (FN BIG KAPOW, GK OOFF)

FN: How about I hold you up for the coup-de-grace?

GK: You go right ahead and now it's time for the lift---- (BIG EFFORT, FN CRY OF ALARM, THEN HE FLIES THROUGH THE AIR AND CRASHES INTO THE BACK BAR, GLASS BREAKAGE)

SS: I told you no fighting by the bar.

DR: Awww, it wouldn't be a real bar fight if somebody didn't get thrown over the bar. Messer?? Hey. (SLAPS HIM) Boy, he is out cold.

SS: Pour some whiskey on him. Not that ---- the cheap kind.

(FOOTSTEPS)

JH: Okay, boys--- Ready to go to the dance? Where's Messer?

SS: Down there.

JH: Oh dear. I knew I shouldn't have left you two alone together. What is it about men and jealousy? Oh well.

DR: Want us to haul him back to his room?

JH: Don't bother. Let him sleep it off.

GK: Hey ma'am? You wouldn't happen to know a Christmas song called "Once in Royal David's City"?

JH: Of course. Goes something like this.

GK & JH SING:

Once in royal Davids city,

Shepherds gathered in a shed

Who were similar to cowboys

But they worked with sheep instead;

And they knelt beside the bed

Where the child had laid his head.

He came down to earth from heaven,

Came to save us from our sins;

That is why he came to cowboys

First and not to Lutherans.

Came to save the mean, and lowly,

Lutherans were already holy.

GK: You still want to go to the dance? Just you and me?

JH: Sure. Where'd you get that great eggnog?

GK: Ma'am, two eggnogs to go.

SS: Coming right up. (CHICKEN CLUCK) C'mon, Sadie. Your turn. (CHICKEN IS SQUEEZED) (EGG POP) Okay, lucy. (CLUCK, SQUEEZE, POP) (THEME)

TR: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Wild Bill Brand Seat Pads for Jeans ---- suffer saddle sores no longer, with seat pads from Wild Bill.