GK: The holiday we know as Christmas goes back to the early years of the Christian religion, when the church fathers heard that many Christians were taking part in the pagan festival of Saturnalia, an orgy of feasting and belching and drinking, and rather than excommunicate them, the church started its own feast at the end of December which was bigger and better than Saturnalia, and soon there were very few pagans left, everybody had gone over to the other side except a few really devout pagans.
FN (REVERB): The temple is deserted, my son. Only you and I remain to do honor to the gods.
TR (TEEN, REVERB): They've all gone over to the Christians, father.
FN (REVERB): It's the old story. We did it to the Greeks ---- stole their gods ---- now the Christians steal our feasts.
TR (REVERB): What can we do, father?
FN (REVERB): O Zeus, Father of All The Gods ---- we do beseech thee to punish these Christians by causing them to become depressed around this time of year ---- Take this joyous festival and make it a miserable ordeal. Amen. (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: And many of us do get depressed this time of year. There is so much suffering in this world and it hurts to see it at a time that is supposed to be joyful. (VIOLIN PLAYS DVORAK, RATHER SHARP) Like the old blind fiddler down in the subway ----- (VIOLIN STOPS)
TR (OLD): Hey you? You who put the quarter in my hat?
GK: Yeah?
TR (OLD): Do you think I'm any good?
GK: You're fine.
TR (OLD): I'm a crappy fiddler. Being blind doesn't mean you're good ---- it's taken me years to realize that.
GK: I think you're okay.
TR (OLD): Sic em, Rex. (DOG BARK) Go get him. (DOG SNARLS, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)
GK: I'd never been attacked by a seeing-eye dog before. It made me feel really bad. And there were the Swedeens. (TR SWEDISH, SS SWEDISH) They sat in their apartment eating cold herring. And my old mama.
SS (MAMA): What am I doing out here in the backyard in my nightie, Buddy? With a cup of coffee in my hand.
GK: You thought the back door was the refrigerator door, Mama, and you're looking for cream for your coffee.
SS (MAMA): You're the cream in my coffee, Buddy.
GK: Come back in the house, Ma. It's freezing out. (STING)
I was a poet and I wrote poems about the sadness of Christmas ---- O stockings filled with tears, O tree hung with regret ---- but nobody wanted to publish them and that's when I took up bank robbery. It was very remunerative. (FOOTSTEPS AND STOP)
TR: Hello, welcome to Chase Manhattan. Nice ski mask. --- What's this? A note? ---- "Empty your drawers and don't press your button." --- What is that supposed to mean? "Empty your drawers"??? Oh, you mean cash drawers?
GK: Gimme your cash and step on it.
TR: You want me to step on my cash? Why would I do that? That's just silly.
GK: Put it in the pillowcase, mister. And hurry.
TR: Okay, okay, okay. (STING)
GK: And down in the subway I went (CROWD HUBBUB) and got on a train.
FN (P.A.): Stand clear of the closing doors, please. (DOORS CLOSE)
GK: And I was in the clear, with fifty-thousand in the bag.
So I could give Mama the things she needed. And nobody was the wiser.
CD: (HUMMING)
GK: Who are you?
CD: You think nobody is the wiser? I know. You know. There are no secrets in this world.
GK: Who are you?
CD: I know you and you know me.
GK: Are you my guardian angel?
CD: No, God discontinued that program years ago. You're on your own now.
GK: Why are you invisible?
CD: Why?
GK: Why?
CD: It's radio, that's why.
GK: Oh. Right.
CD: (SINGS, W GK)
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine! O night when Christ was born!
O night divine! O night, O night divine!
SAM BUSH MANDO UNDER AND INTO BOYS TRIO: Christmastime's a coming----
PIANO CHORD AT END