(ORGAN)
TR (ANNC): And now, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow family of automotive products brings you: Dr. Brad Triplett, Wildlife Urologist.
(THEME)
(VENTILATOR)
GK: Clamp.
SS: Clamp.
GK: Scalpel.
SS: Scalpel.
GK: And that long thing with the arms.
SS: The long thing?
GK: The gripper thing. You know, that holds things
SS: You mean the forceps?
GK: Forceps.
SS: Forceps.
GK: Thanks.
(CLINK, CLINK)
SS: Gripper. That's an interesting word for forceps. Where did you go to medical school, Dr. Triplett?
GK: University of Eastern Wyoming. And then I did my urology online. Barbados College of Medicine.
SS: Uh huh. Interesting.
GK: You're shivering, Maureen. Are you warm enough?
SS: I'm fine. Don't worry about me. Just standing here in the snow watching you perform a prostatectomy on a whitetail deer.
(CLINKING)
GK: Urine is how this male deer marks his territory and so his prostate problem has made it difficult for him to breed.
SS: That must be very frustrating for him, being unable to claim a female for his own. (UNDER) Don't you wish you could?
GK: What was that, Maureen?
SS: Nothing, doctor. Nothing.
GK: See how the deer's nostrils are flaring? Even though he's unconscious, he still smells a female nearby, a female who is giving off the smell of being ready to breed----
SS: Maybe he smells me.
GK: No, he's smelling another deer.
SS: Did you just say "dear"?
GK: Yes. Why?
SS: Oh. You mean "deer," referring to the animal-----
GK: Yes, what else would I mean?
SS: That's what I was wondering.
GK: Okay. Let's close up. Thread.
SS: Thread.
GK: And needle.
SS: Needle. ---- Do you mind if I ask another question?
GK: Go ahead, Maureen.
SS: What exactly do we hope to achieve by removing this deer's prostate? It's hunting season, doctor. This animal could walk over that hill and ---- blammo ---- he's dead and he's tied up on somebody's truck fender.
GK: That could happen to any patient, Maureen.
SS: Yes, but there isn't a hunting season on, say, human males in their 60s and 70s-----
GK: A doctor can't play god, Maureen. We're here to cure, not to judge the worth of a life. This deer may be shot tomorrow but in the meantime he will have full possession of his manhood, he will be able to function as a male, he will not feel like an outcaste or a cripple----- oh my gosh. What have I done?
SS: You've removed his left testicle, Doctor.
GK: Oh my gosh. I guess I was distracted.
SS: Lucky for you that deer don't have lawyers.
GK: Don't tell anyone, Maureen. Please. This is embarrassing.
SS: I'll think about it.
GK: Please. Anyway, he'll still be able to function.
SS: Are you sure, Doctor?
GK: He may not be an alpha male but probably he can find work as a consultant. (DEER AWAKENING, SNORTS, GRUNTS) Oh oh. He's waking up. We need a little more anesthesia, Maureen.
SS: Doctor, there's a man standing behind you. He's wearing an orange jacket and carrying a rifle.
(DEER SNORTS)
TR (OFF): What do you people think you're doing???
GK: Answer him, Maureen.
SS: IT'S A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT.
TR (OFF): Oh. Okay. Are you almost done? That's a good-looking buck there.
SS: IT'S ILLEGAL TO SHOOT A DEER WHO'S IN REHAB.
TR (OFF): Oh yeah? Where does it say that?
GK: Where's the gun that shoots the darts with the anesthetic, Maureen? Shoot him. Come on.
SS: Is that an order, Doctor?
GK: That's an order.
SS: Okay. (SFX) Load. And cock. (SFX) And----- step back, Doctor.
GK: What did you say? (GUNSHOT) Ohhhhh. You got me. In the groin. Ohhhhh. I feel very weak.
SS: You'll be okay, Doctor. I have you. I'll carry you back to the van. (DEER SNORTS)
TR: You folks all done???
SS: Come, doctor. You'll wake up in a half hour or so and everything will be okay. I promise. (THEME)
TR (ANNC): Dr. Brad Triplett, Wildlife Urologist, was brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of fine automotive products.