(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC UP)
GK: It was November and the northern hemisphere had tilted away from the sun and suddenly all the women you enjoyed looking at were bundled up and in storage. My radiators had gotten fixed and that was good, but somehow it had affected radio reception so the only signal I was getting was---- (TR RUSH: My friends, at last the American people have spoken loud and clear and thrown off the shackles of liberal tyranny). Business was lousy and when I got a case, somehow I forgot to collect a fee. I needed some better billing system. (PHONE RING, PICK UP) Yeah. Noir here.
TR: Mr Noir, my name is Marvin Holloway, and I'd like you to run a background check on a wonderful girl I've been seeing. I feel terrible doing this, but----
GK: It's perfectly normal. You're dating her?
TR: Yes. And I love her. I just need to know something----
GK: Nothing wrong with wanting to know.
TR: You see, I thought she was Episcopalian but I saw a picture of her on Facebook wearing a long white robe and pressing her forehead to the ground. She seemed to be praying.
GK: Episcopalians would only press their forehead to the ground if they had dropped a contact lens. For prayer they stand or kneel.
TR: I mean ---- do you think she could be Muslim?
GK: I can find out for you.
TR: I mean ---- I saw sheep in the picture with her.
GK: Sheep.
TR: Right. Three of them. And a donkey.
GK: You know, I wonder if this might've been part of a Christmas pageant.
TR: You think so?
GK: I do. Was there a manger and a baby?
TR: Oh. Right. I forgot about that.
GK: Well, there you are.
TR: Okay. Thanks.
GK: That'll be fifty bucks. (HANG UP, DIAL TONE) That's the sort of case I get all the time. Non-paying. (PHONE RING) Yeah, Noir here.
FN: Listen-----I've got a big problem ---- this is Dr. Dover --- Ben Dover ---- I'm at the airport ---- my flight to Miami leaves in an hour ---- I'm on my way to a medical conference ---- anyway I got here and ---- has this ever happened to you? You reach back for your billfold and it's not there----
GK: No, sir. What can I do for you?
FN: I can't get on the plane without my driver's license. My apartment is in the Platinum Towers a block from you. Could you go over and grab my billfold? My chauffeur Ahmed will bring it to the airport?
GK: Why don't you have Ahmed look for the billfold?
FN: He's terrified of the dog.
GK: Oh. Great.
FN: Please. I'll pay you five hundred bucks.
GK: Where's the billfold?
FN: I think it's on the bedside table. Or in the bathroom.
GK: Okay. I'll do my best. (STING) I dashed out and rang for the elevator (RING) and then saw the sign, Out of Order, so I (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) ran to the service elevator where (JUNK RUMMAGE) Lyle the janitor was collecting trash---- Hey, Lyle, I gotta go down to the street----
TR (LYLE): Huh? I got work to do.
GK: Please. Here's a twenty----
TR (LYLE): Okay. Jeeze. What's your rush? (DOORS CLOSE, SLOW DESCENT)
GK: Doesn't this elevator go any faster?
TR (LYLE): Doing my best, Mr. Noir.
GK: Doesn't the force of gravity come into play here? (RING) (BRAKES) No! Don't stop on the seventh floor. Please.
TR (LYLE): Somebody calling me. (DOORS OPEN)
Yeah?
DR: Got room for a piano in here?
GK: Listen, pal. Can you wait a few minutes? I'm in a big rush.
DR: What's the big rush?
GK: Here's a twenty for your trouble. Thanks.
DR: Okay. (DOOR CLOSE, DESCENT)
GK: No more stops, okay?
TR (LYLE): Whatever. (DESCENT) What is your rush?
GK: Got a client at the airport --- plane leaving in an hour----
TR (LYLE): Oh. Okay. --- (CLICKS, BRAKE) Okay. First floor. (DOOR OPEN) (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)
SS: Mr. Noir----
GK: Sorry, I'm in a rush.
SS: Mr. Noir, I'm on my way up to see you. (STING)
GK: She was tall and dark, a dead ringer for Ava Gardner, and wearing a low-cut blouse that I tried very hard not to look at and glasses with lenses the size of postage stamps. And jeans that were so tight, I could see that in her front right pocket she had a quarter and in the left, a chess piece, a knight. ---- Wait here. I'll be back. Sorry. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. TRAFFIC. RUNNING. CAR BRAKES. DRIVER SHOUTS. CARS HONKING. RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) I ran in the entrance of the Concierge Tower----- (FOOTSTEPS STOP)
TR (BRIT): Yes? How may we help?
GK: I'm going up to Dr. Dover's apartment--- he asked me to find something for him----
TR (BRIT): Dr. Dover is not here.
GK: I know that. He's at the airport, waiting for me to bring him his billfold.
TR (BRIT): May I see some identification.
GK: I'm in a hurry.
TR (BRIT): I need some identification.
GK: Sure. How about this? (HE SWINGS, KONK, TR BRIT FALLS) Oh boy. What's the apartment number? (FLIPPING PAPER PAGES) A-------B-----C------Dover. Dover. Davidson, DaVinci, Devereaux, Diver, Dover. Apartment 15A. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) Come on, come on, come on. (DING, ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN) Okay. (FOOTSTEPS, DOORS CLOSE) Okay. Fifteenth floor. Come on, come on, come on. (DOOR OPEN) Excuse me, is this fifteen?
FN (ROBO VOICE): Fifth floor.
GK: I pressed fifteen.
FN (ROBO VOICE): You pressed five.
GK: Okay. Sorry. There. Fifteen.
FN (ROBO VOICE): Now you have pressed fifteen.)
GK: Thank you. (DOOR CLOSE) I don't think I'm going to be able to get this billfold out to the airport in less than an hour. It's rush hour. The freeway is packed with angry sociopaths. (DING, DOOR OPEN) (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) (STOP) (KNOCKS) (PAUSE) (KNOCKS) (PAUSE) Come on, come on, come on. (DOOR OPENS)
SS (RUSSIAN): Yeah? Who are you? What do you want?
GK: Doctor Dover sent me. He's at the airport. He needs his billfold.
SS (RUSSIAN): Billfold??? I know nothing about billfold!!!! I'm his cleaning lady. I don't do with billfolds.
GK: Is Ahmed here/
SS (RUSSIAN): What you want? First you want billfold, then you want Ahmed. Make up your mind.
GK: Where is Ahmed?
(FOOTSTEPS)
TR (EGYPTIAN): Who is it, Natasha?
GK: Ahmed?
TR (EGYPTIAN): Yes?
GK: Dr. Dover sent me to get his billfold. He needs it. Right away.
TR (EGYPTIAN): Doctor Dover?
GK: Yes. Ben Dover.
TR (EGYPTIAN): Okay. As you wish.
GK: No, no, no, no----- where is the bedroom?
TR (EGYPTIAN): That way----down the hall.
GK: Thank you. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN. MUFFLED BARKS) Oh boy. This is the bedroom---- nothing on the bedside table ---- so that must be the bathroom. Where the dog is locked up. (RUMMAGING) No billfold on the dresser either. (FOOTSTEPS) Hello? (FEROCIOUS BARKING) I'm here from Dr. Dover. The guy who feeds you. (BARKING) He's not going to like this. (GROWL) Okay, okay. (FOOTSTEPS RETRACING) Natasha?
SS (RUSSIAN): What you want now?
GK: You got a sirloin steak in the fridge?
SS (RUSSIAN): I got sturgeon.
GK: Sirloin.
SS (RUSSIAN): Oh. Why didn't you say so? Yes. But it's frozen.
GK: That's okay.
SS (RUSSIAN): Billfold, Ahmed. Sirloin. What next? (FOOTSTEPS) Here. Big sirloin.
GK: Okay. What's the dog's name?
SS (RUSSIAN): Boris Rostropovich.
GK: Thank you. (FOOTSTEPS DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS, STOP) Boris? Boris, you there?
(DOG SNUFFLING, OTHER SIDE OF DOOR)
Smell that, Boris? It's for you. Raw meat. (DOG WOOF) I'll trade it for the billfold. Please. (DOG SNUFFLING) I'm coming in, Boris. (DOG GROWL) Boris Rostropovich. Coming in. (DOOR LATCH OPEN, EASE OPEN) (SLIGHT GROWL) Aha. I see you have the billfold in your mouth. How about you drop it and then you can have the sirloin? (DOG GRUNT) Drop the billfold, Boris. Drop it. Please. Dr. Dover is going to be very happy if you do. He's going to say, Oh my Boris, my Boris---- (PLOP) Thank you. And there you go. (DOG GROWL, CHEWING ON FROZEN STEAK) (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE) Okay. Got the goods. Yep, there's the driver's license. (FOOTSTEPS) Natasha?
SS (RUSSIAN): What now?
GK: Where's Ahmed?
SS (RUSSIAN): Ahmed again. First you don't want Ahmed, then you do want Ahmed. Make up your mind.
GK: Is he here?
SS (RUSSIAN): It's day off. Went to the casino.
GK: Oh boy. Okay. Thanks for your help. (FOOTSTEPS)
SS (RUSSIAN): You very strange man. (DOOR CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS)
GK: Okay, guess I'll just go down to the lobby and call a taxi then. (DING, STEPS ONTO ELEVATOR, DOOR CLOSE)
FN (ROBO VOICE): You have pressed One. If you wish the Lobby, press L.
GK: Okay. Sorry. Thought it was on 1.
FN (ROBO): No, the Lobby is L. One is the mezzanine.
GK: Okay. Usually, mezzanine would be indicated by an M.
FN (ROBO): Not here at the Concierge.
GK: Okay. Okay. (HUM OF ELEVATOR DESCENT)
Boy, this has been some kind of goose chase. And now I realize he didn't tell me where at the airport he is. Guess I just have to find out which airline flies to Miami. But I suppose most of them do. Guess I could have him paged. (DOOR OPENS)
FN: Hello? Mr. Noir?
GK: Yes?
FN: Ben Dover.
GK: Really? Oh. Its you.
FN: I was at the airport and then realized my flight isn't today. It's tomorrow.
GK: Oh. Okay. Well, here's your billfold.
FN: Thanks. It's got spit all over it.
GK: From your dog.
FN: Oh, he'd never do that. Anyway, thanks for making the effort.
GK: You owe me some money, Dr. Dover.
FN: As it turns out, I didn't need the billfold
GK: You told me that my fee would be five hundred ..
FN: That was if you brought it to the airport. Which you didn't. Here. Twenty bucks. Thanks again. (DOOR CLOSE, DING)
GK: Welsher. (FOOTSTEPS, BRIDGE) I walked across the street back to the Acme Building and there was the Ava Gardner lookalike with the chess piece in her left pants pocket. (FOOTSTEPS) And now I recognized her. She was the one in the white robe with the sheep. ----Hello?
SS: Oh. Hi. That didn't take long.
GK: I went as fast as I could. What can I do for you, Miss?
SS: Well, this is very embarrassing, but I've been dating a guy who I ---- well, I like him a lot, but I don't know---- I'd like to know more. Could you do a check?
GK: Would his name be Marvin Holloway by any chance?
SS: Why yes!!! How did you know?
GK: You're the fourth woman who's come asking about him today. Evidently he goes around hustling single women trying to get them to invest in a company that makes frozen gerbilburgers.
SS: Ewwww. Thanks for warning me.
GK: You're welcome. (BRIDGE) So I paid Marvin back for stiffing me and as for Ben Dover, I thought I'd call my friend at TSA and have Ben's name put on the list for the Full Body Cavity Search. With a name like Ben Dover, I thought it'd be a source of real amusement down at the airport.
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC UP)