GK: Why is the Joke Show this year on Halloween weekend? Why? Here's why? (MACABRE MUSIC)
TR (FRANKENSTEIN): At last, after years of work in my laboratory, it is time to see if my great experiment will work...... Igor!
TR (IGOR): Yes, master!
TR (FRANKENSTEIN): Attach the wires to the creature's head!
TR (IGOR): Yes, master!
(THUNDER, LIGHTNING)
TR: And now I will throw the switch (SHORTING)---- and again! (SHORTING).....Igor, he moves! (ELECTRIC SHORTING) He moves! I have done it! I! I have created a living human being! (FN MONSTER GRUNTING, ELECTRICAL SHORTING) He lives! I have made him! (FN MONSTER GRUNTS) --- A living man!
FN: Master---
TR: He speaks to me.
FN: Master---- I am so ugly, I look like I've been bobbing for french fries! (HE LAUGHS)
TR: Oh now. How did this happen?
FN: I am so ugly if I walked into a bank, they would turn off the cameras.
TR: Make him stop, Igor!
FN: I am so ugly I would make onions cry. (HE LAUGHS)
TR : I have created a comedian! Stop it!
FN: Why did the chicken cross the road?
TR: Go away! Go!
FN: How many monsters does it take to ----
TR: I don't want to know. (FN MONSTER PAIN, WHIMPERING) I don't want you! Leave me! (MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: Rejected by his creator, the monster went on a rampage through the village, (FN MONSTER: And the duck said, "Give me some Chapstick and put it on my bill! (HE LAUGHS) CRASHING AND CRUNCHING, TERRIFIED VILLAGERS RUNNING AWAY) He was killing audiences wherever he went. (FN MONSTER: How cold was it? It was so cold I saw a chicken with a capon. HE LAUGHS)
GK: He was a pariah. Everywhere doors were slammed in his face. (SERIES OF EIGHT DOOR SLAMS) He told jokes because his heart was broken, (FN: Constipation? No problem! You run around and around until you're all pooped out!) and at last, abandoned, cold, hungry (FN MONSTER FOOTSTEPS, GRIEF) he came to a little hut, where an old blind man sat playing his violin. (VIOLIN) (FN MONSTER GRUNTS, MONSTER STEPS, KNOCKS ON DOOR)
TR (OLD MAN): Welcome, my friend. I'm glad you came. Would you like something to drink?
FN: Drink. Hey. This grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Did you know they have a drink named after you?" And the grasshopper says, "Is that right? Why would anyone name a drink Bob?"
TR (OLD MAN): Would you like a cup of coffee?
FN: Hey. Say the word "lettuce" and then spell the word "cup".
TR (OLD MAN): Lettuce c-u-p. (FN CHORTLES) Okay. How about some food?
FN: Food. Hey. So the two cannibals were eating the body of a clown and one cannibal says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
TR (OLD MAN): Okay. Would you like me to play my violin?
FN: Ha! So why are violins smaller than violas? They just look smaller because violinists' heads are bigger. (HE LAUGHS) (WHACK, BWANGGG)
TR (OLD MAN): I may be blind but I have a good sense of spatial relationships. (BRIDGE)
GK: He dragged the monster into the back room of the hut and left him there to sleep it off and when he awoke the next day the monster was a comedian no more.
FN (SINGS):
I am only a horror show
Assembled from body parts
But I would be presentable
If you believed in me
I've got terrible hair and skin
And railroad tracks across my face
But I could be a normal guy
If I just had a friend.
Without your love
I'm ugly I confess
Without your love
I'm a mess of monstrousness.
TR (OLD MAN): Hey, maybe I should introduce you to my friend, Birdie. And here she comes now. (TAPPING OF CANE, DOG WOOF) Birdie, and her seeing-eye dog, Buster.
SS: Oh my, I heard you singing. Take my hand. I love this song!
SS (SINGS): I feel your warmth
FN (SINGS):
I sense you're near
BOTH (SING): And it's so clear
That you could cheer me up, my dear.
SS: What a beautiful voice you have. A man who sings like that could park his shoes under my bed any old time. But let me feel your face-----
FN: NO! NOT YET. (SINGS)
I've got a skin disease
I may need surgery
BOTH (SING): But I would be in ecstasy
If you ----would ----marry---- me.
GK: And so he became a singer and found love, which is every comedian's wish. And she did her best to make him happy.
SS: You know, those leather pants and shirt ---- that whole style is so over ----- plus which, they're all stained with blood and gore . And that big club with the nail sticking out------ what is that about? (MONSTER GRUNTS) I really love that big seam on your face though ---- you're really attractive. In a rugged way. You seem to be hunched over and sort of leaning to your left----Have you ever tried stretching? I could show you some exercises-----
(BRIDGE)
GK: And they got together, and he never had to tell jokes again. Happy well-adjusted people don't, you know. Troubled people with unhappy childhoods, yes. Embittered losers, people like me. Went into a bar last night with my only friend in the world, my giraffe Harold, and asked the bartender for a double entendre so she gave me one, and in came a faith healer. I said, Are you Oral Roberts? He said, No, other end. I'm a faith-based proctologist. I said, Don't touch me. I'm on disability. I had a couple more and Harold passed out on the floor and I left and the bartender said, Hey, you can't leave that lyin there, and I said, that ain't a lion, that's a giraffe. Anyway---- what do I know?
(BAND PLAYOFF)