One morning, the devil came to church,

In a burst of smoke and flame,

He ran up and down the aisle.

He said, "Beelzebub is my name.

I am evil incarnate,

The object of all your fears!"

The old man said, "You don't scare me at all,

Been married to your sister for 48 years."

A man walked by the insane asylum

And heard them chanting, 21! 21!

So he looked through a hole in the fence

It sounded like a lot of fun.

He peered through the hole in the fence

To see what crazy people do.

They poked him in the eye with a stick

And chanted, 22! 22!

My daughter brought home a boyfriend

With great big ugly tattoos

And long black greasy hair

And Lord how he hit the booze.

I said, 'Darling, I'm sure he's nice,

But something makes me nervous."

She said, "He's extremely nice.

He's doing 500 hours of community service."

The blonde walked in to the fabric store

Said, I want some curtains please.

It's for my computer screen.

And the clerk said, Excuse me,

Curtains for your computer.

Why would you want those?

And the blonde said, Hello,

I have Windows.

A man and his wife died in a crash

And went to heaven that day

To a mansion beside a golf course

And an eternity to play.

And the man said to his wife,

"I really hate you, you know."

If you hadn't made me quit smoking

I oculd've been here years ago.

The pallbearers carried Mr. Miller

From the hearse on the church drive

And bumped into a fire hydrant

And he jumped out, still alive.

Two years later he died for sure

And the pallbearers carried Mr. Miller

Back into church with his wife behind

And she said, "Look out for that pillar."

The drunk saw a woman at the bar,

Kissed her and she slapped his face.

He said, "I'm sorry, ma'am,

But you look just like my wife Grace."

She said, "You're a worthless drunk.

Never saw one worse than you.

You're disgusting, you know that?"

The man said, "You sound like her too."

The woman went into labor

And she started to yell and pant,

"Couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, hasn't,

Shouldn't, won't, and can't."

The man called up the doctor.

"Isn't it time to take action?"

The woman cried, "Don't and Isn't."

The doctor said, "It's just contractions."

The engineer was sentenced to death

And he went to the guillotine

But they couldn't get the blade to drop,

Something wrong with the machine.

They decided to send him to jail

With the thieves and cheats and liars

But he said, "Hey I see your problem.

Hand me a pair of pliers."

Jim and John had to share a room

One night in a hotel.

Jim said, "I snore so bad.

I doubt you'll sleep that well."

John kissed him on the cheek.

He said, "Sweetheart, it's all right."

And Jim went and sat in a chair

And stayed awake all night.

"Darling, you've always been with me.

On life's long bumpy ride.

Through sickness, hair loss, bankruptcy,

You've been here by my side.

My heart attack and the house burning down

That night the lightning struck.

And liver cancer ---- and now suddenly

I'm starting to think that you're bad luck."

Two nuns ran out of gasoline

They simply had forgot

So they walked to a gas station

All he had was a chamber pot.

He filled it up, they took it back

And poured it into the car

And a farmer saw and thought, My god,

What women of faith they are.