(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye --- (PIANO)
GK: It was October, a chilly fall day, and I was going to buy a warm coat, extra large, so I can zip it up without looking like a stuffed pepper, but meanwhile I had a visitor, Bernie who runs the tobacco shop in the lobby.
FN (OLD, WHEEZY): Yeah. Forty years I been selling tobacco here and now suddenly (BIG COUGHING FIT) they're cancelling my lease. Big renovation project. (BIG COUGHING FIT) Want a cigar? Take two, they're small.
GK: No thanks, Bernie.
FN (WHEEZY): I'm giving them away. Take a handful. (DEEP COUGH) Give them to a friend.
GK: Good luck, Bernie.
FN (WHEEZY): And Bob the Barber has got to move, too. Right?
TR (SHAKY): Forty-five years I've been cutting hair and (SHAKING SPASM) ---- I got no plans to retire. No sir.
GK: Watch out for your coffee, Bob.
TR (SHAKY): But now they're making me move (SHAKING SPASM) I don't know---- whoops, look out (CRASH OF CUP, BREAKAGE)
GK: Meanwhile my ex-girlfriend Sugar had dropped in to see how I was doing.
SS (SUGAR): I'm worried about you, Guy. You're too soft-hearted for your own good. You need somebody to look out for you. (KNOCKS ON DOOR)
GK: Yeah, come in, the door's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) Oh, hi, Lou. ---- You remember Lou...
my landlord, Lou.
SS (SUGAR): Hi, Lou.
TR: Sugar----
GK: Listen. Lou. About the rent. I called the bank and the guy who handles my checking is gone until Tuesday on account of his grandma passed away, so --- if you can----
TR: I didn't come about that, Guy. I came to tell you that I'm giving you thirty days to vacate. The law firm on 11 is taking over this floor.
GK: What? Batter, Batten, Pummel, Larrup, and Pelt? That bunch of bullies.
TR: They want this office. And they're willing to pay me rent for it. So that's that. Sorry. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, SHUT)
GK: Wow. After all these years on the 12th floor of the Acme Building....
SS (SUGAR): Well, you're not going to just sit there and accept it, are you?
GK: Well, what else can I do?
SS (SUGAR): Fight back. This is your office. Don't let them push you around.
GK: Okay, but I'm only a renter.
SS (SUGAR): Stand up for your rights. You've got rights. Don't lie down and say uncle before you've even fired the first shot. What's wrong with you? Don't be such a nebbish.
GK: Okay, I'll write them a note. "Dear Neighbors...."
SS (SUGAR): DEAR????? DEAR????
GK: Okay. "Attention: Neighbors---"
SS (SUGAR): That's better.
GK: "It has come to my attention that your firm is intending to take over my office, and I certainly hope that before you do, we can meet to-----"
SS (SUGAR): HOPE???? HOPE???
GK: What do you want me to say, Sugar?
SS: I wrote you a letter to send them.
GK: Oh. Okay. "To: Batter, Batten, Pummel, Larrup, and Pelt, ESQUIRE. This is to inform you that you are hereby and hereinafter ordered to cease and desist immediately. This shall be your final warning and you are herefrom put on notice that I reserve the right to pursue any and all legal remedies including those that might result in your incarceration without right of appeal at Guantanamo Bay.
Sincerely,
Guy Noir
SS (SUGAR): Okay??
GK: Seems a little severe, no?
SS (SUGAR): Sign it like you mean it.
GK: So I signed my name and pressed very hard (SFX) on the pen so that it tore the paper. And then I shoved it under their door. And two minutes later, a big bruiser in a three-piece suit knocked at my door. (BOOMING KNOCK) And I opened it. (DOOR OPEN)
FN: NOIR?
GK: Yes?
FN: Earl Pummel, lawyer. You write this garbage?
GK: Yes.
FN: What a joke. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. And may I add: HA HA HA HA HA HA. And in closing: HA HA HA HA HA. Sincerely, HA. P.S. (HAWK AND SPIT) (DOOR SLAM)
GK: Boy. What a rude individual.
SS (SUGAR): You're not going to let him get away with it, are you?
GK: Well, I don't know.
SS (SUGAR): Well, you're not. This is your office. Your home. You're not going to let them just waltz in here and throw you out like you were used Kleenex. Not while I'm here. (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: And she left and ten minutes later she returned with a Rottweiler the size of a Shetland pony. (DOG SNARLING)
SS (SUGAR): This fleischhound is conditioned to go after lawyers. (DOG SNARLING)
GK: I don't think this is a good idea, Sugar. The dog seems mentally unbalanced right now. (DOG SNARLING)
SS (SUGAR): Oh oh. He doesn't like your chair. (DOG ATTACKS CHAIR, RIPPING, SNARLING, DEVOURING)
GK: My favorite office chair. Oh gosh. Maybe I should just move....
FN (ON BULLHORN): Noir!!! This is Earl Pummel. Esquire! I hear you have a dog and I want you to know I've got an even bigger dog down here that (COON DOG YAPPING) ---- I'm trying to hold him, Noir! If you don't take your dog and vacate the building in ten minutes ---- I am not responsible for what this dog does. This is your last and final warning. Cease and Desist! (ECHO)
(FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN)
SS (SUGAR): HE MAY DESIST BUT HE SHALL NEVER CEASE!!!!!! HEAR ME???? NEVER. NON CEASARE IPSO!!!! (DOOR SLAM)
GK: Sugar, I'm sure there's some more sensible way of working this out. Please. (DOG GROWL)
SS: This is warfare, Guy.
GK: Please. Don't. (DOG SNARLING) (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN)
SS (SUGAR): OKAY, JOKER. YOU ASKED FOR IT. HERE COMES HEINRICH. (DOG SNARLING) Go for the throat, Heinrich. Go for the jugular. Go!!! (DOG RACES DOWN HALL, SNARLING AND YOWLING) (DOOR CLOSE)
GK: You know, Sugar, I don't see the need for getting in a pitched battle with these guys ---- I mean, I'd be perfectly happy moving elsewhere ---- I could go to the Endicott Building, the Hamm building, I could sit in a coffee shop---
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
SS (SUGAR): Let me open it. (DOOR OPEN. DOG FRIENDLY WOOF)
TR (HIGH, TIGHT): Hi. (BEEP CLOWN HORN) I'm Wally the Birthday Clown and I was standing in the hallway warming up, juggling some balls, and your dog came and grabbed me by my baggy clown pants and (BEEP CLOWN HORN) ---- could you tell him to let me go, please?
SS (SUGAR): Bad dog!!!! I told you to go for the JUGULAR ---- not the juggler. (DOG WHINE) Sorry. (DOOR CLOSE) I'm going down to the car and get something, Guy. Be right back.
GK: What you going for, Sugar?
SS (SUGAR): I've got a mortar and a bunch of heat-seeking rockets in my car. We're gonna beat these guys.
GK: You're going to blow up the building just so I can keep my office???
SS (SUGAR): It's too late to back down, Guy. Where's your backbone? Your sense of anger?
GK: My backbone is down by my rear end, Sugar, and I'm not interested in having people shoot at it----
SS (SUGAR): I'm going to go get the mortar and if those lawyers want a fight, then they're going to have a fight on their hands---- (STING)
GK: There was a period of silence after Sugar left with the dog and then I heard distant voices in the hall. (PHONE RING. THREE TIMES, THEN PICKUP) Yeah, Noir here.
TR (JOWLY): Noir, this is Brad Batter of Batter, Batten, Pummel, Larrup, and Pelt, and this call is to put you on notice that you have now crossed the point of no return and you leave us no choice but to attack you without mercy and reduce you to gas molecules floating free in a universe that does not care.
GK: Oh yeah?
TR (JOWLY): Yeah.
GK: Oh yeah?
TR (JOWLY): Yeah.
GK: Yeah?
TR (JOWLY): Yeah.
GK: Yeah? Says who?
TR (JOWLY): Says me.
GK: Let's see you do it.
TR (JOWLY): Look out your peephole and you will see there is a chicken at your door, an attack chicken. (FAINT CLUCKING)
GK: The chicken with the burnoose?
TR (JOWLY): That's her. That chicken is infected with a deadly chicken pox. An airborne virus. (CHICKEN CLUCK, AND COUGH. COUGH. COUGH) You are now inhaling that virus.
GK: I got inoculated for chicken pox a long time ago, Mr. Batter. Chicken pox holds no terror for me, sir.
TR (JOWLY): Did you notice that the chicken is wearing a backpack? It's a chicken from I.S.I.S.
GK: The Islamic State in Iraq and Syria?
TR (JOWLY): Bigger than that. The Invisible Systematic International Syndicate. ......
SS (SUGAR): Okay, Batter. It's me. Sugar. You are really getting on my bad side. Take this. (MORTAR SHOT) And this. (MORTAR SHOT)
FN (BULLHORN): Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. How about a flame thrower coming your way??? (FLAME THROWER)
SS (SUGAR): Okay, that's it. I am now activating my laser shield. (SFX) And I am activating my rocket-firing brassiere. (TWO ROCKET BLASTS, DISTANT EXPLOSIONS)
FN (BULLHORN): Okay. That's it! Raise periscope. (SFX) Release the Siberian tigers. (SFX) Send in the elephants. (SFX)
GK: Okay. Stop. Stop!
SS (SUGAR): I got my Uzi all loaded and ready to go.
TR (JOWLY): And we have jihadists ready to attack with deadly viruses.
GK: Just stop. Everybody take a deep breath. (DOOR KNOCKS) Yeah, come in....(DOOR OPEN. HIGH HEELS, SLOWLY. DOOR CLOSE. LONG APPROACH.) She was tall and blonde in a black sheath dress so tight you could count her ribs. Accurately. She had more curves than a scenic railway and a pair of legs that would make a monk break out in a cold sweat.
SB (SULTRY): Your name Noir? Guy Noir?
GK: That's me, Miss.
SB: The name is Sirius. Sonia Sirius. I'm looking for a missing person. My cleaning lady, Wanda. She ran off with my husband Brad Batter.
GK: Brad Batter the attorney?
SB: Exactly. I want you to get her back. Not him. Her. She was a fantastic cleaning lady. Dusted. Did windows, walls. Left the whole house smelling fresh and clean. And she's the only one who knows where everything is. And I'm willing to pay to find her. Plenty. (SHE EYEBALLS GUY) Speaking of knowing where everything is----- you look like you're a guy with some ideas of your own.
GK: I've got a few.
SB: You got any time today?
GK: Got all the time there is to be had.
SB: Let's go. My place or yours?
GK: Your place is probably cleaner. And fresher.
SB: It is now. In an hour from now, who knows?
GK: Let's go.
SB: What are all the scorch marks in the hall?
GK: Anger, darling. Lot of anger out ther.
SB: My car or yours.
GK: Yours.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, and there on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building is a guy still trying to find the answers to life's questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)