(WESTERN THEME)
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys," brought to you by Wilderness Wall Hangings ---- brighten up your campsite with colorful fabric hangings to relieve the sense of desolation and define boundaries. And now today's exciting adventure. (HORSES, CATTLE, SLOW WALK)
TR: I got a feeling we are headed north, pardner, and this being October, that's not a good idea.
GK: Well, we can't go back in Yellow Gulch especially after you referred to the sheriff as a dingleberry.
TR: We could go west.
GK: Then you run into Vulture City and Diablo Crossing. Neither sounds promising. East is a town called Chlo beyond Chloride is a little town by the name of Blanco.
TR: Blanco means white. That's us. You and me. Let's go. (GIDDYUPS, HORSE GALLOPS, COWS. BRIDGE)
GK: Whoa. Whoa. (HORSES PULL UP) Whoa. (WALKING HOOVES)
TR: Looks like a nice town to me.
GK: Coffee shops. A pedestrian crossing.
TR: They don't have that in Yellow Gulch. And here comes a couple in matching blue cardigan sweaters. Howdy!
FN (OFF): Oh. Hi!!! Welcome to Blanco. This is my wife Alison.
SS: Hi there. Judging by your outfits, I'd say that you two are cowboys.
TR: Yes, ma'am. Just in off the trail.
SS: Well, isn't that something. I teach middle school and we're just starting a unit on cowboy lifestyles.
GK: Oh?
SS: I wonder if you might be willing to come and talk to the kids about how you decided to become American icons and what you see as the future of cowboy life.
GK: Uh huh.
FN: What do you say we step into the Beanery here and have some pumpkin lattes and get to know each other?
TR: You put pumpkin in your coffee?
SS: How about you come to school on Wednesday?
TR: How about a week from Wednesday?
FN: Okay. A week from Wednesday. See you then. Take care.
SS: Bye now. (CCCKKKKS WALKING HOOVES)
GK: What'd you say "a week from Wednesday" for?
TR: Because we'll be that much farther away.
GK: You don't want to talk about cowboy lifestyle?
TR: Didn't know we had one. Thought it was just cruel fate. What do you say, we head west and try the town of Chloride?
GK: Fine.
(GIDDYUPS, TROTTING HOOVES, BRIDGE, THEN WALKING HOOVES)
TR: Yeah, this is more what we're used to. I see gouge marks in the storefronts. Lots of saliva in the street. Horse manure.
DR (OFF): Hey! You just come over from Blanco?
GK: Yes, sir.
DR: I thought so. I'm gonna have to look at those cattle of yours. I'm the cattle inspector. We don't care for Blanco cattle here. They don't brand their cattle over in Blanco. They apply a henna tattoo. And they take the glutens out of them.
GK: Didn't know cattle had glutens.
DR: In their rear ends. Under the tail. By the glutes.
TR: Which way is the saloon, mister?
DR: Which one? We got five of em. We got Novice, Intermediate, Advanced, Expert, and Extreme.
GK: How about Expert?
DR: Expert involves a lot of slugging and stomping and eye-gouging and guys throwing other guys over the bar.
GK: And Intermediate?
DR: That's for tourists. Just yelling and cursing. Try Advanced. You get some pushing and shoving and there's poker and loose women.
GK: Okay. Let's go, Dusty.
TR: What about Extreme?
DR: I don't think anyone goes in there anymore because the ones who did never came back.
GK: Okay. Thanks. By the way, there isn't a library here, is there?
DR: A what? A library. A LIBRARY. (HE LAUGHS, HELPLESSLY, COUGHING, CHOKING, FADING AWAY.)
GK: Guess the answer is no. Okay, here's the Advanced.
(DOOR OPEN, CAMPTOWN RACES, LOUD LAUGHTER, TALK, FOOTSTEPS)
SS (DEEP): Evening, gents. What'll it be? No wine or artisan beer here, no mixed drinks. Just whiskey and gin and beer on tap that's brewed down in the copper mine but we run it through a dishtowel.
GK: How about whiskey?
SS (DEEP): You want weak whiskey, strong whiskey, or paint thinner?
GK: How strong is the strong?
SS (DEEP): Guess you want weak. How about you?
TR: Is the strong whiskey strong enough to make me forget yesterday?
SS (DEEP): Yesterday and all of last week.
FN: (MESSER): Hey. Piano Player. Shuddup. (PIANO STOPS) Hey you. At the bar----
GK: You talking to me?
FN: You know who I am?
GK: No idea.
FN: The name is Messer. I rassled a grizzly to a draw and rode a tornado for fifty miles. I am the master of death and desolation, more powerful than pestilence. Grown men blanche at the sight of me, women weep, children are traumatized. I can out-run, out-jump, out-shoot, out-drink, an' out fight, rough-an'-tumble, no holds barred, any man who walks the earth, so come on---- I ain't beat anybody up for a day and a half and I am looking for exercise. Hear me??? Hear me?????
GK: You're reading that off a cue card.
FN: So what? Wanted to make sure I didn't forget anything.
GK: You forgot the part about using a rattlesnake for a belt and black widow spiders for cufflinks.
FN: Oh. ---You're right.
GK: And the part about refusing your mother's milk whilst you were still an infant and reaching for a bottle of rye.
FN: Oh. Okay. I see that there-----
GK: And I see you are holding a pair of knitting needles on your lap. You knitting a sweater?
FN: I am knitting a noose.
GK: Looks more like a sweater. I don't think you belong in the Advanced Saloon, Messer. I think you better head on over to the Novices. (BUZZ OF TALK)
TR: Easy, Lefty. We just arrived here, you know.
FN: Sounds to me like you are asking for a duel.
GK: I may be.
FN: The one who is challenged gets to choose the weapon.
GK: Fine.
FN: State capitols.
GK: Okay.
FN: You go first. Barkeep is the judge. Three strikes and you're out.
SS: All set.
GK: Vermont!
FN: Montpelier. (DING) Florida.
GK: Tallahassee. (DING) Maine.
FN: Hmmm. Maine....Maine.....Bangor.
SS: Nope. Augusta. One to the stranger.
FN: Wyoming.
GK: Cheyenne. (DING) Kansas.
FN: Uhhhh. Kansas....hmmmm.....Wichita.
SS: Nope. Topeka. Two to the stranger.
FN: Connecticut.
GK: Hartford. (DING) Washington.
FN: Washington is the capitol.
GK: State of Washington.
FN: Oh. Tacoma.
GK: Aha.
SS: Wrong. It's Olympia. Three to the stranger.
FN: Well, I guess you win, mister.
GK: What's the prize?
SS: You get to make three wishes.
GK: Okay. I wish that you drink a Campari soda.
FN: Oh no. (GAGS) Please. Not a Campari soda. Please. Anything but that.
GK: You rassled a grizzly and rode a tornado?
FN: Okay. A Campari soda. (HE SWALLOWS, GASPS, SPITS OUT, SPITS SOME MORE)
GK: No. 2. I wish that you sing "My Favorite Things"----
FN: NO! Absolutely not!!! No. Please. (PIANO INTRO)(SINGS)
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things.
GK: More!
TR: Sing the rest!
FN: No.
GK: Sing "Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels
TR: Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles.
FN: NO!!!!
SS: Okay, what's your third wish, Mister.
GK: Third wish is that whoever walks through that door, you walk up to 'em and ask 'em to dance.
FN: Oh boy.
SS: Okay. Step away from the door, everybody. Piano Man, get ready to play a waltz.
(PAUSE)
TR: I like the anticipation of this one. Kind of lets you imagine who it might be.
GK: Maybe the schoolmarm, maybe the Methodist parson. (DOOR BURSTS OPEN. STOMPS IN, STOPS)
DR: Shield your eyes, boys, it is me, Iron John, come from Minnesota to wage war on ignorance and defeat the forces of irony and metaphor. I am the man who threw Paul Bunyan into the lake, and beat John Henry arm-wrestling. I stole the maiden Minnehaha from Hiawatha and I shot more bears than Davy Crockett and won the boots off Buffalo Bill in a game of backgammon. I can out-run, out-lie, out-argue, out-rage any man alive and I have a body odor that keeps cougars at bay and when I exhale, the snakes and spiders withdraw to a safe corner. I am the biggest, roughest---- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) what do you want?
FN: Would you care to dance with me?
DR: I'll see you dance. Go ahead. Dance. (GUNSHOTS, DANCING STEPS)
GK: Let's go, Dusty. (THEY MOUNT UP AND RIDE. GALLOPING HOOVES, THEN WHOAS, SLOW TO WALK) Exciting town, Chloride. Not necessarily a place you'd want to bring up children, but who can say?
TR: You planning on having children?
GK: Not that I know of.
TR: Well, that takes care of it then. (THEME)
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys was brought to you by O Susanna bandannas, made from organic banana branches and panda dander and manufactured in Savannah, Havana, and Texarkana, Louisiana. (THEME OUT)