GUY NOIR
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its
secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to
life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was April and I was in New York working for a
local newscast ---- the standard kind of local news, you got
two co-anchors, a half-bright Caucasian male with molded
hair (TR: This is Brent Brackett, Channel Five news) and
the beautiful minority woman with the sardonic eyes (SS:
Thank you, Brent. Nice tie, by the way.) and the weather
nerd (FN HIGH: Boy o boy, look at that barometric
pressure, 29-point-32. That is the lowest barometric
pressure we've seen since May of (FADES)) and of course
the goofball sports guy (TR HYUK HYUK HYUK HYUK)
---- it was a lousy job, I was a production assistant, a gofer,
a wrangler ---- working for a cruel producer named Honey
Hontz-----
SS: Go get me a latte, Guy. Soy milk. Extra shot. And pick
up a gallon of omega-3 fish oil, okay? We're doing a big
story on fish oil and what a scam it is. And hustle. Hurry.
What you looking at me like that for? Go go go.
GK: Brent Brackett was not the brightest bulb in the
marquee if you get my drift. He needed a lot of help.
TR: Hey, Guy, you know anything about cooking a ham for
Easter. I'm having my mother over for dinner and I never
cooked a ham before.
GK: You see right here on the label, Brent----
TR: Pre-cooked.
GK: Yeah, and right below that.
TR: Preheat oven to 200, place in pan, and warm for 40
minutes.
GK: You got it. Good luck.
TR: And you take the wrapper off, right?
GK: The plastic wrapper?
TR: Yeah.
GK: I've never heard of anyone who didn't.
TR: Thanks. (STING)
GK: So on Tuesday, we're doing a live remote from the
Brtooklyn Artisan Free-Range Chicken hatchery and I'm in
the remote truck with the crew---- (SHUFFLE CARDS)
FN (NY): Okay, how about some acey-deucy, ten bucks
ante, three bids, Texas tornado, spades in the dump, and
lowball wins?
GK: And a call came from Miss Hontz----
SS (ON INTERCOM): Guy? Get over to Merkel's
Menswear. Brent forgot his pants.
GK: He forgot to put pants on?
SS: He thought we were going to be doing close-ups----
anyway, I have to get him a pair of pants. A 34 waist, 28
inseam. Get moving. Go go go. (STING)
GK: So I tore over to Merkel Men's Wear (RUNNING
THROUGH CROWD) and found a pair and wrestled them
away from a lady (FN LADY, STRUGGLE: Don't!!!
Those are for my Bubby.) and then saw they were a 48, not
a 34, and I had to go to the Pants Warehouse on Giordano
Boulevard and a cab pulled up (BRAKES) ---- an elderly
man was getting out ---- I yanked him out of the back seat
(FN OLD MAN PROTESTING) ---- Giordano Boulevard,
driver, and step on it---- (TR ARABIC) ---- (CAR ACCEL,
HONKING) >>>>BRIDGE). The cabdriver was listening
to one of those call-in shows----
TR: : THIS MORNING WE'RE TALKING ABOUT FAR
LEFTWING PROVOCATEUR STEPHEN COLBERT ----
NOT "COL-BARE" --- COL-BERTTT ---- ABOUT TO
TAKE OVER LATE NIGHTS ON CBS, THE
COMMUNIST BROADCASTING SYSTEM ---- WHAT
DO YOU THINK? GOOD IDEA? OR DOES IT FILL
YOU WITH ANGER AND LOATHING THAT HIS
HATRED OF AMERICA WILL BE SPEWED OUT TO A
LARGER AUDIENCE? THE LINES ARE OPEN, WE'LL
BE BACK AND TAKE YOUR CALLS IN JUST A FEW
MINUTES AFTER THESE MESSAGES. ....(HORN,
SWERVE)....
GK: What are you listening to this for, sir?
TR: (ARABIC) I want to understand your country.
GK: Well, you're looking at the wrong end of the horse, sir.
(BRIDGE)
And twenty minutes later, pants in hand, I was back at the
Hatchery. I dashed inside. (CHICKENS. FAST
FOOTSTEPS) ---- outta my way.....excuse me......outta
the way (CHICKEN FLURRY) ----- ......watch your tail
(CHICKEN FLURRY) ----- and there was Brent in his blue
buttondown shirt and his white shorts.
TR (BRENT): Ah. Great. Appreciate it, Guy. (HE
STRAINS) Pants are a little tight. (SFX, PANTS
STRETCHING) Kinda snug in the seat.
SS: I thought you were a 34.
TR (BRENT): When I was in college---- now I'm a 40.
SS: But you look so slender on the screen.
TR (BRENT): (STRAINING) It's called horizontal hold.
(STRAINING,MORE SFX OF PANTS) There. (HIS
VOICE FALSETTO) A little tight but we'll make it.
FN (OFF): One minute.
SS: You okay, Brent?
TR (BRENT, HIGH): I'm just fine.
SS: You look uncomfortable.
TR (BRENT, HIGH): I'll make it, don't worry about me.
SS: Your fly is open, Brent.
TR (BRENT, HIGH): My what is open?
FN: Hey, Guy----- out of the shot----
GK: Okay, okay.
FN: Ten seconds...and......five, four, three, two, you're on.
TR (BRENT, HIGH): Thank you, Shoshana. Easter of
course means Easter eggs and so we've come to a real live
egg hatchery right here in Brooklyn (CHICKEN) ---- where
free-range chickens are laying all-natural organic eggs and
with me is the owner of the hatchery, Mister---- Mister (A
SNEEZE IS FORMING) ---- Mister----- (BIG SNEEZE.
PANTS RIP)
SS: Oh my gosh. His pants ripped. CUT. CUT. (SHOUTS
OF DISMAY, CHICKEN DISTRESS) Guy---- I need you
to take Brent's place. Go.
GK: I'm not going on TV.
SS: You're a Caucasian male. I need you.
GK: I'm not a TV anchor.
SS: Just read the teleprompter.
GK: Get someone else.
SS: I'll pay you.
GK: Why didn't you say so? Where's the teleprompter?
Okay, I see it.
FN: Ten......and.....five, four, three, two, and you're on.
GK: We're here with the owner of the Brooklyn Artisan
Free-Range Chicken Hatchery, Mr. Gus Bukowski ---- so
this must be a good time of year for you, what with Easter
coming up....
TR (GRUFF): We don't do Easter eggs. They used to but I
bought the company and now we raise chickens for
slaughter.
GK: Free-range and organic is more popular now than ever,
isn't it.
TR (GRUFF): Not to me they ain't. We pump these birds
full of growth hormones and we stuff 'em in a cage the size
of a lunchbox and when they reach the end of their sixtyday
life cycle, they'll have a breast that's exactly 16 ounces
and rectangular. And no liver. Nobody wants chicken liver
anymore so we breed it right out of 'em. That's why they
have those little tubes attached to their rear ends ----
GK: So has this always been your dream, Mr. Bukowski, to
be part of the sustainable agriculture movement?
TR (GRUFF): I don't know what you're talking about, but
I never cared for chickens, they're filthy and they don't
have the brains that God gave geese, if you ask me----
(CHICKEN FLYING, FLURRY) ----- hey, get off me-----
(CHICKEN FLURRY) ----- get away from me ---- (TR
FIGHTS THE BIRD WHO IS PECKING HIM) (BRIDGE)
GK: I did what they told me to do and read off the
teleprompter and when it was over I went next door to a
bar called Brian's (DOOR, BELL JINGLE, CLOSE.
FOOTSTEPS) Dark little bar and a grumpy bartender and
one patron, a young woman nursing a glass of white wine.
TR (GRUMP): If you came in to use the john, they're for
patrons only. What can I get you?
GK: How about a sarsaparilla?
TR (GRUMP): We're out of that.
GK: Good. I didn't really want it anyway. How about a
ginger ale.
TR (GRUMP): I don't have any ice-----.
GK: Just the way I like it. Warm.
TR (GRUMP): You want a bowl of free popcorn with it?
GK: Sure.
TR (GRUMP): No popcorn today.
GK: I changed my mind. No popcorn.
TR (GRUMP): Okay. Be right back. (FOOTSTEPS
AWAY)
SS: Don't I know you?
GK: That was supposed to be my line.
SS: I feel like I know you.
GK: I feel the same way. The name's Noir.
SS: Hi. I'm Eunice.
GK: What's the bartender's problem?
SS: He saw on the news that fish oil isn't as good for us as
we thought and he's been taking cod liver oil since he was
a kid and now he finds out that it's not magical.
GK: Yeah, I heard that. It sort of makes a person wonder
about green leafy vegetables. Like kale. Maybe that's no
panacea either.
SS: I love kale. Hey!!! Wait a minute. I just saw you on TV.
You were talking about chickens.
GK: Yeah. That was me.
SS: So you're famous. People must come up to you all the
time and say they know you----
GK: A person gets used to it.
SS: Your mentioning kale suddenly makes me very hungry.
GK: Oh?
SS: I've got a whole bushel of kale at home.
GK: Oh really----
SS: It's organic sustainable kale raised in the Catskills and
brought to the city on the backs of bicyclists. Do you like
kale?
GK: Was it hand-picked by workers who wash their hands
with biodegradable soap that doesn't contain phosphates?
SS: Of course.
GK: That's my favorite kind. How do you fix your kale?
SS: I steam it and lightly salt and pepper it and toss it with
a dollop of Amish butter that was churned in a churn made
from kiln-dried oak, butter from cows who were fed a
gluten-free diet.
GK: You're a woman after my own heart, Eunice. Are you
Amish?
SS: No, I'm Shaker.
GK: Really. I thought Shakers were celibate.
SS: Not this one.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its
secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to
life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.