(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its
secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to
life's persistent questions. Guy Noir. Private Eye.
(MUSIC)
GK: It was March in Minnesota and we were in the grip of
winter and not one of those hobby winters the rest of
America gets but a hardcore winter with claws and teeth.
Elsewhere in the civilized world, it was spring, or almost
spring, and crocuses blooming and birds singing and vive
l'amour, and all you had to do was check out YouTube
videos and you could see ---- in South Carolina there was
NASCAR racing already (SFX) and in Vermont there was
morris dancing on the village green (BELLS, PRANCING,
FN SINGS: Leaping lightly in the air, People stare but I
don't care, Came to Rutland from New York, so I am free
to be a dork. Fa la la la la la, fa la la lla la l ala.) and in
California people were surfing (SURF, TR SURFER
SOUNDS) and hang-gliding (SFX) and meditating (FN
(LADY): Wow. Here am I and there's the
sky....clouds....the sun up there.....or am I up there and are
they down here....what is "up"? Nobody knows. And it's
raining now. But I don't want to go in. What is "in"?) ----
down in the Mississippi Delta, the blues singers weren't
blue anymore----SAT 3/8/14 9:27 PM
Page 2 of 10
(FN SINGS:
I woke up this morning, I was not dissatisfied.
I woke up this morning, I was not dissatisfied.
I ate a big breakfast and it was sunny outside.
I been all around the block.)
GK: In Minnesota, however, it was survival time. The
snowblowers were out (SFX) and there were wolves in the
suburbs (SFX) and the TV weatherman was under terrible
stress (FN DEPRESSED: And the high today--- I hate to
say this---- the high today-----(CHOKES UP) I can't say it-
--- I can't do weather anymore. (HE SOBS) Take the map
away. Take it away) ---- and there was tragedy everywhere
you looked ----- people slipping on ice and falling (TR
LOUD CRY, MAN SLIPPING) ---- people in their
twenties ---- (TR FALL, BONE CRUNCH) breaking their
hips ---- and suddenly (TR GEEZER) they were 85 (FN:
Easy, old timer. Gonna lift you up and get you into the
ambulance, Pops. TR GEEZER: I'm only 27. FN: We'll put
him in the Memory Unit, Al.)
I was doing fine, thanks to my staying indoors, but two
floors above me in the Acme Building was a new tenant, a
family therapist named Eunice, and she was a real stone in
my shoe.
FN (LADY): How are you, Mr. Noir---
GK: I'm fine. Leave me alone.
FN (LADY): You're under a lot of stress, aren't you. SAT 3/8/14 9:27 PM
Page 3 of 10
GK: No. Beat it.
FN (LADY): Just reaching out, Mr. Noir.
GK: Well, just stop.
FN (LADY): If you need to talk, you know where I am.
GK: Yes, you're standing in my doorway. I wish you
weren't.
FN (LADY): I can accept your hostility, Mr. Noir, because
I am a trained social worker and I know it is a symptom of
depression.
GK: I'm going to close the door now, Eunice.
FN (LADY): Depression is anger, Mr. Noir.
GK: Go talk to yourself.
FN (LADY): Just remember ---- no matter what---- I'm
here. SAT 3/8/14 9:27 PM
Page 4 of 10
GK: That's what I'm afraid of. (DOOR SLAM, BRIDGE) I
love winter because it wipes out a lot of nonsense and
touchy-feely stuff and keeps you focused on basics. Food.
(GROWL) Shelter. (DOORBELL) Heat. (BLAST OF
FIRE) Forget the nonessentials, get back to basics. Like the
woman who came to see me the other day. (KNOCKS ON
DOOR) You're not Gerald, are you?
SS (OUTSIDE): No.
GK: Good---- let me unlock the door. (UNLOCKS FIVE
LOCKS. OPENS DOOR.) Yeah?
SS: Guy Noir?
GK: Right. Come on in. (FOOTSTEPS) Sorry about the
locks, but there are a lot of berserk people out there, many
of them in the caring professions. ..So (CREAK OF
CHAIR) what can I do for you?
SS: My name is Madeleine. Madeleine McFadden. From
the law firm of Batten, Martin, Bastian, Masters, and
Hansen in Manhattan.
GK: And what sort of law does Batten, Martin, Bastian,
Masters, and Hansen do in Manhattan?
SS: We're lobbyists for foreign countries. Malawi,
Malaysia, Swaziland, Somalia, Mali, Malta, Mozambique,
Mauritius, Namibia, and Djibouti. SAT 3/8/14 9:27 PM
Page 5 of 10
GK: Djibouti----
SS: Little country between Eritrea and Ethiopia. You've
heard of it. (SHE SINGS, "Shiboopi") DJIBOUTI,
DJIBOUTI, DJIBOUTI, IT'S THERE ON THE RED SEA,
DJIBOUTI, DJIBOUTI, DJIBOUTI, IT'S MADE FOR
YOU AND ME. MADE FOR.....YOU....AND.....ME!!!
DJIBOUTI!!!
GK: Okay. So where do I come in?
SS: It's like this, Mr. Noir. Mr. Batten --- Marshall Batten--
GK; The Batten of Batten, Martin, Bastian, Masters, and
Hansen----
SS: Exactly. His son Adam is a classical pianist and
ecstatic agnostic on Madison Avenue in midtown
Manhattan.
GK: A classical pianist on Madison----
SS: Right. Sonatas, toccatas, partitas, impromptus,
fantasias, mazurkas, tangos, rondos, and blues.
GK: Adam Batten the pianist who does sonatas, toccatas,
partitas, fantasias, etcetera, also plays blues??SAT 3/8/14 9:27 PM
Page 6 of 10
SS: On a cruise ship. On the Lido deck of the MS Mahatma
sailing from Sumatra to Alameda, California through the
Adriatic, past Bermuda, Granada, Eldorado, the Mississippi
Delta, and Popocatepetl.
GK: Is he from Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin by any
chance?
SS: How did you know?
GK: Just a hunch. Anyway, how could a classical pianist
afford to take a transatlantic trip on a fancy ship like the
MS Mahatma?
SS: Adam Batten had a sugar mama, Madame Anita
Andromeda, who sang Aida at the St. Petersburg Theater
along with Rise Stevens, Cecilia Bartoli, Placido Domingo,
and Dmitri Hvorostovski, an Aida that critics called
"dimwitted,embittered, spasmodic, sclerotic, sybaritic, and
unmelodic" but anyway Adam Batten in a tuxedo with a
Buddha tattooed on his you-know-where made Anita's
libido go staccato vibrato pizzicato appassionato and she
dumped her bipolar speedskater fiancee Slater from
Decatur and she and Adam Batten took the Mahatma from
Sumatra to Alameda and every day after Anita's siesta he
brought a Pina Colada and a margarita to her studio, one for
her and one for her pet cheetah Jevetta.
GK: A cheetah. SAT 3/8/14 9:27 PM
Page 7 of 10
SS: A cheetah to keep away the cicadas.
GK: Cicadas?
SS: Canadian cicadas. Anyway, Anita Andromeda was a
grammatical fanatic, or should I say grammar maniac, and
one day she corrected Adam's grammatical error ---- a
sentence without antecedents --- and he felt degraded and
he shredded her beloved Don DeLillo novella Hollow
Llamas Yo Mama Sells Marshmallows ----
GK: He shredded it-----
SS: Her daddy was Don DeLillo's editor and Adam
shredded his sugar mama's novella and served it in a
spaghetti avocado salad and moved to Minnesota and
bought a stiletto and became a desperado and launched a
vendetta against sopranos.
GK: And what can I do to help?
SS: Tell me where he went.
GK: The classical pianist turned desperado Adam Batten
engaged in a vendetta with his stiletto?
SS: Yes.
GK: He's in Wayzata. SAT 3/8/14 9:27 PM
Page 8 of 10
SS: Wayzata.
GK: Lake Minnetonka.
SS: An ecstatic agnostic pianist from Manhattan's Madison
Avenue with a Buddhist tattoo and a passport stamped
Sumatra, Bermuda, Yoruba, Judea, Sambuca, Granada,
Guatemala, Canada, and Popocatepetl winds up in
Wayzata?
GK: Wayzata.
SS: Thanks.
GK: That's all you wanted?
SS: Well, actually----
GK: What is it?
SS: I've been drinking gallons of coffee all morning and
I'm wondering if, you know---- if there's a----- hmm hmm
hmm hmmm.
GK: You want to know if there's a hmm hmmm hmmm
hmmm?
SS: Yes. Is there?SAT 3/8/14 9:27 PM
Page 9 of 10
GK: Yes, of course. Down the hall and around the corner.
You can't miss it. Says Women right on the door.
SS: Thanks. (FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN, CLOSE.)
GK: That's winter. It brings us down to basics. She thought
she had to have some big story but really she just needed to
pee. (KNOCKS) Yeah, the door's unlocked. (DOOR
OPEN. FOOTSTEPS)
FN (LADY): Hi, how are you?
GK: I was fine until just now.
FN (LADY): I've been concerned about you. I think you
need help.
GK: Well, go be concerned someplace else.
FN (LADY): It's hard being a guy sometimes, isn't it, Guy?
GK: Tell me about it.
FN (LADY): You're a private eye but really what you're
looking for is yourself. Isn't that right?
GK: Oh, give me a break.
FN (LADY): You're in pain and you need healing so you
can find closure. SAT 3/8/14 9:27 PM
Page 10 of 10
GK: You want to see closure? Huh? (SLAM DOOR)
That's closure. It's March, Minnesota. It's warming up.
Spring is on the way. If not in April, then May. And the
sound of spring will be heard on the lawns of the North.
(LAWNMOWER). And out on the lake. (LOON CALL)
The music of love. (LOON CALL) (THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its
secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, a
light burns in the office of Guy Noir, Private Eye ---
(THEME)