(LOOSE CLUNKY MUSIC)
ER: I think 2013 is going to be a great year for me. This is the year I will get a job. Or try to get a job. I'll apply for a job. I'll take a class in how to get a job. Meanwhile I will use my unemployment checks to pay off my student loans. Not on new shoes. And no more dyeing my hair every week. I've done it ----- lime green, hot pink, purple ---- enough. From now on, blonde. Or black. And as soon as possible I am going to remove the tattoo, "Larry," from my wrist. It's time to move on. Let old acquaintance be forgot.
I am going to open the envelopes that come from the bank from now on, including the ones with bank statements in them. I am going to file my 2010 taxes. And also my 2009 taxes. I am going to start thinking about other people. As soon as I get myself together. Like they say, put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.
ER: Starting now, I am going to make sure that I can see at least a quarter of my bedroom floor at all times. Starting now, I will no longer go to bars with guys whose names I don't know. I will start waking up at least by noon. And naps should never be longer than three hours. Four hours, tops. I'll keep a calendar with important dates like my mom's birthday and the day I'm supposed to be in court for that DUI.
From now on I am going to stop being so superficial. I will read at least one book. I will educate myself and read the trending topics on Twitter so I know what's going on in the world. I will do random acts of kindness, like ask my lady at the nail salon how her kids are doing. If she has kids. If not, then something else.
If my engine light goes on in my car, and it starts flashing, and it makes a little beeping sound, I will do something about it, I won't just turn the radio up louder. I will not take parking tickets and stuff them into the glove compartment, hundreds of them.
ER: This year I'm going to start making my bed. For real.
I will buy a vacuum cleaner.
I will practice self-esteem. I will look at myself in the mirror and say, "You are a good enough person so don't put yourself down." Just like they taught me in the self-esteem seminar.
I will pay my Mom back the $2,000 she loaned me for the self esteem seminar. As soon as I get a job.