GK: Hello?

SS: Duane? Honey is that you?

GK: Hi mom.

SS: I just called, honey, because I know you left town and you didn't have time to do any last-minute shopping and all, and I want you to know: don't worry about me--- I didn't want anything for Christmas anyway, in fact I'm trying to get rid of things before we die, so it's not a problem and I don't want you to feel guilty about it.

GK: Mom, I bought you and Dad something, I just didn't have time to wrap it-----------

SS: I know that woman has got you wrapped around her little finger----

GK: Mom, I'm okay-----

SS: ----and somehow she talked you into moving to San Francisco ---- I can't believe you'd do that and never Word One to me about it-----

GK: I sent you a text, Mom.

SS: -----Anyway, Christmas is over. That train has left the station.

GK: Mom, I just need a change of scene. And Alana and I are writing a book together.

SS: And what might this book be about?

GK: It's a sort of romance.

SS: Oh, boy.

GK: We think the book might come out in the fall.

We have a publisher.

SS: Who's the publisher? Alana's daddy?

GK: Look. I know you didn't like her.

SS: I never said that.

GK: You met her for ten minutes and you decided to loathe her.

SS: Now Duane, don't take that tone with me.

GK: I guess you don't want me to be happy. I find someone, we click, we write a book ----

SS: And who's going to be here to pick up the pieces when she throws you over a cliff?

GK: Oh mother-----

SS: Things change, volcanoes blow, locusts descend, you just never know when life is gonna smack you in the chops so better not to get too comfortable.

GK: You don't want to congratulate me at all? We may get married in the spring.

SS: Well what do you want me to do, Duane, bring you a golden crown? Make you a big cake with a naked lady jumping out of it?

GK: No, but you could say, I'm so happy for you-----

SS: Well I just can't do anything right, can I? Here I was calling to tell you not to spend money on us and you bite my head right off. Well I'm sorry I called.

Here--- just talk to your father now.

GK: Mom----

SS (OFF): Hank! Hank! (TR OFF) Talk to Duane, he's on the phone and he's got the big attitude. (TR, OFF) Well what are you doing then? (TR, OFF) Well then what's the problem, just get out here then. For gosh sakes. (FLUSH, OFF, DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS)

TR: Hello.

GK: Hi dad.

TR: Hi son.

GK: Sorry, I didn't mean to get you out of the bathroom.

TR: Oh, it's okay. I'll just go back in there a little later. Spend some time.

GK: You feeling okay dad? You're not sick, are you?

TR: Oh no. Sometimes I just like to go into the bathroom, shut the door, and sit and count the tiles.

GK: Right.

TR: Anyway we'll see you soon, huh.

GK: I'm in San Francisco, Dad.

TR: Oh. Right. Well---- how's that going?

GK: It's good.

TR: Okay. Quite the deal.

GK: Yeah.

TR: Here's your mom.


SS (OFF): Duane, are you still there?

GK: I am. You know, Dad seems happy that I found someone. Why can't you? Just accept that I could find love and move to California and write a successful book.

SS: Does anybody congratulate me, Duane? No. I have given my entire life up in service of you, Duane. You are my book, I am the ghostwriter, but you'll never be finished. Never.

GK: Mom.

SS: I'm going to die before my book is done. I'll vanish into the mists of time and nobody will ever know I was here. And nobody will care. Because it's all about YOU Duane. It's always only been about you. You run off to San Francisco to move in with some woman and you write a book about it ---- fine ---- I just don't want you to get the big head over it. You've got a big enough head as it is. I know because I pushed that thing out into the world and you tore me Duane. That big head tore a big rip in my---

GK: Mom-Stop, okay, just stop.

SS: What? It happened. Let's not dance around it.


GK: Mom.

SS: What.

GK: I dedicated the book to you.

SS: You did what???! Oh honey.

GK: You're on page 3. I dedicated the book to you.

SS: Oh. (A BEAT) What does it say? Does it say, "To my mother, with love and gratitude?"

GK: No. It says, "To Nadine."

SS: "To Nadine". That's it. Well honey, drive carefully and don't drive off the cliff and into the ocean, okay?

GK: I'll try not to.

SS: I can't wait for you to unwrap those socks and the undershirt.

GK: I can't wait either mom. Say, Alana just walked in. You want to say Hi?

SS: Bye now Duane, Happy New Year, love you.

GK: Mom?

SS: Got to run. You take care. Love you.

GK: Love you, Mom.